


my thoughts of you will never change

by usermechanics



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, Awkward Romance, Bathing/Washing, Drama, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Nudity, Pining, Post-Canon, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, Vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:33:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 66,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24869935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usermechanics/pseuds/usermechanics
Summary: When µ's learns about Maki setting up a reunion trip to a resort, Eli has a favor to ask of Honoka: pretending to be together so they don't seem out of place with their friends. Can Honoka deal with her feelings even if Eli thinks that Honoka's just being a good actress?
Relationships: Ayase Eli/Kousaka Honoka, Hoshizora Rin/Yazawa Nico, Kira Tsubasa/Nishikino Maki, Koizumi Hanayo/Minami Kotori, Sonoda Umi/Toujou Nozomi
Comments: 48
Kudos: 76





	1. prologue: restarting the endless parade

**Author's Note:**

> So I watched the movie again, and I couldn't help but think of writing something that relates to Honoka having a memento of the past to help her future. Plus, I've been on a bit of a HonoEli kick and I want to write for them a whole lot, so why not do a slow burn so I can write a whole lot for them?

It had been five years.

Not that Honoka was counting down the months or years. She promised them that she wouldn’t count them up and dwell on it further. She thought it would be hard to do, but as time passed, she found ways to forget. College admissions exams, declaring her major, going through school, working at her family’s candy shop whenever she was out of a job and working wherever she was needed whenever she had one: her life left her no time to look at the past except when it was something she could write down on her resume.

It wasn’t something she thought about when she worked on perfecting her family’s treats and further elaborated her love-hate relationships with red bean paste and mochi. It wasn’t something that she tried thinking about whenever she had a few seconds to idle between batches of sweets. Even during the times where Yukiho helped her out, she, out of all people, didn’t bring it up, as if those five years since it happened faded away in her memory outside of mentioning her high school activities to potential internships.

Even among her friends it didn’t come up. Sure, during the formative years of her friendships in college she’d make the occasional mention of it, but most of that was spent reaffirming what people hoped to be true. Among those people, most of them faded after the novelty of knowing the most interesting bit of trivia her life had to offer didn’t mean much in college. It was like they called it being a school idol for that reason, but the people who seemed to care the least about that factoid were the ones that didn’t leave when the novelty faded away. Truly, she felt belonging between them.

She didn’t think any of it, though, when she was busy closing up the shop.

“Nice work, Onee-chan!” Yukiho called out from behind the counter, in her hand a rag that dragged along the countertop.

“No, Yukiho, thank you!” Honoka looked back to her with a bright smile as she grabbed onto the open sign and flipped it over, declaring their nightly closure. “You really didn’t need to!”

Yukiho shrugged. “You know I have nothing to do right now, too, so it was the least I could do.”

Honoka nodded. “I hope mom and dad had a good night out! They always work so hard making sure we’re well. They’ve been like this forever, and so I’m glad we can finally help out and have the place working by ourselves!”

“We’re not kids anymore, Onee-chan. It’s weird to think, but we’re capable of doing what we want.”

Honoka stood still for a few seconds, letting herself process that thought. It might not have been the future that Honoka had always dreamed of, one where she could lay down on a bed of buns and eat to her hearts’ content, but it was the future nonetheless. “It’s weird to think about, isn’t it, Yukiho?”

“I don’t know about you. I still have a few years of college, so I’m not quite there yet. How about you?”

Honoka shrugged. “It’s alright. I mean, I’m not complaining that I have work, and I’m happy with what I do. Even if I’m not working at places I really want to, I still love working here.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t take mom’s offer and worked the store for yourself.”

Honoka giggled. “I’m surprised you did.”

“It’s something nice to fall back on,” she remarked. “It’s always nice having a bit of your roots in the future, you know?”

“Can’t say I do,” Honoka shrugged. “I’ve been too busy thinking about my future.”

“You’re always focusing too much on one thing, Onee-chan,” Yukiho remarked. “If it’s not school, then it’s your resume. If it’s not your job, then it’s baking. If it’s not baking, you’re in your own little world.”

Silence filled the air between them. Honoka didn’t know how to respond. She knew this all; it was something that had permeated through her college life, one where she learned how to use her planner and when she did she’d fill it to the brim with every bit of her life in the most organized way she could. It was something which made some of her introductory coursework more difficult than advanced topics because she’d have to learn the ways that she needed to think through her homework. Ironically, then and there, she stood, trying to think up the best way to reply to Yukiho’s comment. But it was in her nature, even as the world around her changed as she tried to make it work for her.

“Yeah.” In a flat tone, it was all that Honoka could remark to her with.

“I don’t mind, though,” Yukiho added on, stepping around the counter and towards her. “You’re my sister either way, and I’m not going to let that get in the way between us. That will never change, Onee-chan.”

Honoka smiled. “Thank you, Yukiho.”

A few more moments of silence marinated between them, a time where their smiles grew the more they looked at one another. It felt like they were kids again and they were making up after some argument that didn’t matter in the first place.

Yukiho turned towards the counter. “Anyway, I’m going to call it a night. Goodnight, Onee-chan!”

Honoka followed her towards the stairs and up to their rooms, where their paths finally branched. “Night, Yukiho!” Closing the door behind her, she pulled off her apron and hung it on the door behind her before throwing off her clothes and changing into her pajamas. She turned off the lights and sprang towards her bed, grabbing her phone off her desk and turning it on. It was finally time for her to tune out.

Night had a funny way of bringing up the past, though.

Honoka wasn’t the one who brought it up. She had been idly scrolling up and down her social media, liking the varying pictures of meals and musicians that came on her screen, things she had liked in high school and learned to love in college. She was probably doing the exact same thing seven others were doing the moment it was brought up; laying down on her bed with the only light in her room radiating from her phone.

Her phone buzzed, and a message popped up. It was from Maki.

Honoka’s eyes widened, and she could almost feel the bed disappear from behind her. It had really been five years since they last talked. She was happy that she kept her number; what could have happened if someone didn’t? She quickly tapped on the notification, opening the message further.

_ Hey, everyone! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? _

Before she could even start typing out a reply, someone else had done that already: Rin.

_ omg yes it has been! hows everynyan doing :3 _

It was quickly followed up by Nozomi.

_ maki-chan hi! did u miss us? ;) _

A few seconds later, Maki replied.

_ Nozomi! _

Eli was quick to join in.

_ Oh, wow. I didn’t think you still had my number, Maki. Is everyone else in µ’s here? _

Honoka found an opening to type.

_ I’m here! hello!  _

As well, Kotori joined in.

_ Hi everyone! Its Kotori! （・⊝・） _

A few more messages of greetings filled the group chat, each giving their names in the case that someone lost all their contact information. After that, Maki spent a decent amount of time typing. It was definitely enough for some people to message while she typed.

_ maki maki maki-chan what are u writing for us? :3 _

_ is maki messaging us just to advertise her book? _

_ nicocchi be civil or i won’t be fufufu _

Not even the message that was obviously Nico’s stopped Maki for a second. It might have, but it never registered on Honoka’s phone, which portrayed her as typing throughout the questions and idle banter. Then, after a few moments of her going quiet, Maki posted her behemoth of a text.

_ I was thinking that we haven’t seen each other in years, and I’ve been saving up quite a bit for break. I originally wanted to go with some friends from school, but they had other plans, so I was thinking that maybe I’d let you all come with me and Tsubasa. All expenses are already paid for, so you won’t need to worry about anything. We hope to hear from you. _

Honoka grinned. She almost wanted to jump out of her bed and scream with joy, but she knew that Yukiho was probably either studying or sleeping and wouldn’t have appreciated it at all. In those moments of thought, a few people already started typing out their answers. First came Nico’s.

_ is tsubasa your girlfriend? _

Maki quickly replied.

_ Why do you want to know? She is, though. _

Nozomi quickly added on.

_ is nicocchi jealous? _

Nico snapped right back.

_ i have rin, who is so much cuter than all of you! _

Honoka’s eyes widened as she read those texts. She really didn’t hear anything at all about any of this. Nico and Rin? Tsubasa and Maki? She swore she knew these people and yet she didn’t know a damn thing about them if her guesses for who was with whom were that wrong. There must have been a hell of a lot of stories for them to tell.

Nozomi’s message was next, equally baffling to Honoka.

_ ill have to ask umi if she wants to go. she lost her phone a year ago and we’ve probably confused someone a whole lot with this chat lmao _

Kotori’s message was thankfully not as surreal to read.

_ Hanayo and I are going. We hope to see everyone there! （・⊝・） _

Eli messaged next.

_ I think my schedule’s clear for your break. I can probably ask a few coaches to take my shifts at work. Break’s in three weeks for you, right? _

Maki messaged right back.

_ Yes. _

Honoka found herself typing out a reply.

_ im pretty sure yukiho can run the store by herself for a week. mom and dad, too. ill be there! nice to hear from everyone! _

After several messages which echoed the same sentiments, Honoka closed out of the group chat and returned to scrolling down her social media. An all-expenses-paid trip for µ’s to reunite? It wasn’t what she was expecting, but she didn’t care. It sounded like so much fun to her, and it was definitely a distraction from what was going on in her life.

Before she could celebrate with a post about it, though, her phone rang. It was Eli’s number. She opened the call and brought the phone to her ear.

“Hello?” Honoka asked.

“Honoka? Is that you?” Eli responded right back, her voice slightly exasperated, leading Honoka to sit up on her bed.

“Is everything okay, Eli-chan?” Honoka asked, “you sound a bit, well…”

“You were in the group chat, right? About the resort trip?”

Honoka nodded, giving a hum of affirmation when she realized that Eli couldn’t see her nodding. She could hear Eli bickering with herself over the phone for a few seconds, including a slight bit of angry Russian she could only assume to be towards herself. Honoka couldn’t press her ear closer to the phone, so she just listened, as if waiting for Eli to say something directed toward her.

“Are you single?”

The question almost led to Honoka dropping her phone. She did not just hear what she thought she just heard. It was a question that she expected to hear from her mom or from her sister whenever she came home from work or school or any activity where she was gone for some time.

“Yes,” Honoka remarked, “yes I am. Why do you want to know?”

“Well,” Eli began with a huff. “You read through what everyone was saying, right? About how Maki’s going with Tsubasa, and how Nico’s with Rin and Kotori’s with Hanayo?”

“Mhm.”

“And Nozomi’s with Umi?”

“I saw.” Honoka remarked almost idly; she didn’t want to sound disconnected, but she wanted to hear what Eli was even thinking.

“Well, uh… I’m single too, and I’m a bit nervous that if I’m seen without a girlfriend, it’ll be awkward. Everyone’s going to be there, and they all have µ’s girlfriends, right?”

“Well, Maki-chan’s with Tsubasa--”

“That’s besides the point, Honoka. What matters is that they all have girlfriends, and we don’t.”

“I don’t see an issue with it, Eli-chan. I’m fine with it.”

“But don’t you think it’d be fun to pretend for a week that we’re girlfriends?”

Honoka squeezed her phone slightly. “Eli-chan? Are you drunk?”

Eli huffed audibly into her phone. “I’m not, Honoka. I’m just--”

“What do you mean pretend we’re girlfriends, Eli-chan?”

“You know, like, hug, hold hands, act like we’re girlfriends in front of everyone, even if we’re not. I’d be comfortable to do it if you are.”

Honoka pulled her phone away from her ear and thought about it. She could already see her hand intertwined with hers as they watched a sunset together, or spent their night at a fancy restaurant ordering expensive foods and wines off a wine menu. She’d get caught in those mysterious blue eyes and enraptured by that smile, or captured by the beauty of her voice and she’d pretend to revel in just how amazing it felt to pretend that there was mystery in her eyes or her smile was enrapturing. It was stuff that she never saw herself doing, but she didn’t know how to feel about it being with Eli. It wasn’t like she didn’t want to, but at the same time, it was such a weird idea, one which was so alien to her.

Eli’s whining could be heard even though her phone was a few inches away. “Please, Honoka?”

Honoka brought the phone back to her ear, glad that she couldn’t see the way that her hand nervously shook. “I’d love to!”

The enthusiasm in her reply caught Eli off guard, she bet, given how she paused before letting out a quick “really?”

“Of course, Eli-chan! I’d love to be your girlfriend.”

“For the week,” Eli added.

“For the week,” Honoka echoed.

Eli giggled. “Oh, Honoka, some things really don’t change, do they?”

Honoka hummed for a second. “I guess not.”

Honoka could hear a muffled yawn. “Anyway, I’m going to get some sleep. Sleep well,  _ love _ .”

Honoka’s heart skipped a beat. “Love?”

“I’m just practicing, Honoka.”

Honoka’s cheeks flushed. She could practice it over and over again, rehearse her inflections whenever she wanted to. It was so weird, but it was almost hypnotizing the way she spoke. It felt amazing, almost like her bed grew cold and Eli’s voice was another blanket. It was like she was practicing how it felt to be in love, too.

“Oh, right! Sleep well, Eli-chan!”

“Goodnight, Honoka.”

Eli hung up, after she spoke, leaving Honoka to leave her final words to the dial tone: her own practice.

_ Love you. _

Her words lingered in the air longer than she thought they would. It was practice, sure, but it wasn’t like practicing her singing or her choreography. It was as if Maki was practicing her singing on a song she had already composed, or Eli practicing her own dance steps. The words felt so natural in a way that seemed almost wrong, but what did she know about it? She also thought that she’d get a significant other in college. Even if it wasn’t meant to be taken that way, Honoka could almost feel a bit of truth leaking from them.

Nico would have told her it was good acting. She always said that the best acting leaves actresses feeling like they’ve done nothing to change themselves. Even if those were words that she used to cheer herself up, they weren’t working. They only dug deeper into her, like she was digging into a cut that Eli’s voice ripped the scab off of.

She turned towards her door and looked at it for a few seconds before planting her feet on the floor. She stepped out of her room and headed across the hall, right in front of Yukiho’s room.

“Yukiho?”

“Yes, Onee-chan?”

“I’m going to warm up some water for a bath. Are you fine going after I’m done?”

“How long will it take?”

A slight pause, then Honoka answered. “It might take a while.”


	2. chapter 1: we can play it again and again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honoka and Eli go on a practice date.

“Honoka, we should practice sometime.”

A relatively sleepless night ended with a phone call from Eli that started like that. She tossed and turned thinking about her, about what it meant to be a fake girlfriend.

“Practice?” Honoka questioned, rubbing her eyes.

“Yes, practice. I was thinking we could go on a pretend date and see how it would feel being your girlfriend.”

“Mhm,” Honoka remarked. Had it not been for her exhaustion, she would have come up with a better answer. “If that’s what you want.”

“Is everything okay, Honoka?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re usually a lot more excited. I remember when you used to greet all of µ’s with your smile. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I just woke up, Eli-chan.” She pulled away to stifle a yawn, seconding her comment. She didn’t want to think of how much time she had spent actually sleeping. “I was thinking of this ‘fake dating’ idea all night.” She gave air quotes, even if she knew she couldn’t see them over the phone.

“I’m sorry to keep you up with it. You don’t have to if you don’t want--”

“I’m going to do it, Eli-chan. I don’t want to see you sad during this trip. I just never thought that you’d ever ask to do something like that.”

It took a few seconds for Eli to compose a response. “Thank you, Honoka. It really means a lot. We were probably going to be roomed together anyway, so it’d be nice to play pretend.”

“Pretend…” Honoka echoed. It felt like if she didn’t, Eli would have echoed it again and again. She didn’t know how she could make such a word sound so benign; it felt toxic coming out when she said it. “Is everything okay, Eli-chan?”

“What do you mean?”

“You seem so adamant on fake dating. Why don’t we go as friends?”

“I think it’d be cute, Honoka.” Eli giggled, relieving Honoka slightly. “If Nozomi’s going to be slinging her arm around Umi, and Maki with Tsubasa, I don’t see a reason not to sling my arm around you, unless you have an issue with it.”

Honoka stood up from her bed and started walking around in circles in her room. “If you’re putting it that way, I don’t mind doing this, Eli-chan. But what if it ends up being not fake, and something really comes from it?”

Eli giggled. “I’d feel sorry for everyone else. You wouldn’t mind me kissing you in front of everyone if it happens, right?”

Honoka quirked an eyebrow. “Eli-chan…”

“Kidding! I’m just kidding, Honoka! I don’t mind if we end up together. I think we’d be a cute couple, don’t you think?”

Honoka mouthed those words back at herself. It was an image that she had dreams about, the kinds of dreams she didn’t know if they were intrusive or her truest desires. Eli’s giggling didn’t help at all; it was like she was seeing a side of her that she didn’t want to show her back then.

“Earth to Honoka. Come in Honoka.”

“I’m here! I’m here!” Honoka almost panicked into her phone. “You just can’t ask questions like that and tell me what I think!”

“Oh, Honoka, you  _ know _ they’ll be saying it when we head to dinner together holding each other’s hands. You’re old enough to drink, right? Maybe we can get a fancy wine, too…”

As joking and playful as Eli’s tone was, Honoka was glad that they were talking on the phone; she didn’t want Eli to see just how reddened she had grown just thinking out the scene she was describing. Even if it was fake, it sounded like a lot of fun. But at the same time, there was something so genuine about how Eli spoke, like she’d be the one to intertwine their fingers as they walked towards whatever restaurant they were going to.

“Honoka?”

“I’m listening!”

“Everyone else will be doing it. They’ll be going out and getting meals and enjoying themselves. Even if we’re not doing this because we’re dating, I think it’d be fun to do. What do you think?”

It didn’t take Honoka more than a second to answer. It didn’t matter to her if things ended up with a happy relationship or not. “That sounds like fun. I’d love to do it.”

“That’s why we should practice sometime soon. We should look like we’re a couple, even if we’re not really one.”

“I see…” Honoka thought aloud. “When do you want to practice? Are you free this Saturday? I can probably get someone to cover my shift at my studio.”

“Studio?”

“I’ll tell you about it on our date.”

Honoka didn’t know how to describe how she felt hearing Eli call their get-together a date. It sounded so nice coming from her, even if it was just them practicing.

“So, are you free then?” Eli asked, catching Honoka off-guard.

“I’ll have to ask Yukiho. I do a lot of work for the sweet shop, you know?”

“I’m sure she won’t mind.”

Honoka  _ really _ hoped she didn’t mind, but she wouldn’t blame her if Yukiho kept her at home. “She was a bit annoyed to hear that I would be gone for an entire week. I’m glad she said that she could do it, though.”

“So you’re going on the trip?”

“Yep! I’m so excited! I haven’t seen anyone from µ’s in years!”

“Not even Kotori and Umi?”

“We lost touch my freshman year of university,” Honoka admitted. “But that’s university. We all went our own ways.”

“I see. Are you also excited to have me as your girlfriend?”

“Of course I am, Eli-chan! I’m so excited to see you again!”

“I’m excited to see you too, Honoka. I need to go; I have to open the studio. Message me if you’re free on Saturday, okay?”

“Sure thing, Eli-chan! Before you go, can I practice something?”

“Go right ahead.”

It took a few seconds for her to compose herself. She felt her pulse raising slightly, her breathing growing a tad bit uneven. “I love you, Eli-chan! Bye-bye!”

“Oh,” Eli remarked. “Love you too, Honoka. See you Saturday!”

Eli’s words were soft and sweet, just enough for her to want it to be real. She didn’t even get enough time to respond to what she said before Eli hung up on her, and even then, it took a few seconds for her to pull it away from her ear. If this is what practice led to, she wanted to practice again, and again, and again. She might have been thinking too much of it, but the way Eli spoke those words, even if they were her being playful, sounded fantastic directed towards her.

Placing her phone on her desk, she headed out of her room and knocked on Yukiho’s once more. 

“What do you want, Onee-chan?”

“I know I asked something like this yesterday, but can you do my shift on Saturday? Something’s come up.”

After a few seconds of grumbling, Honoka got her answer. “You owe me for this one.”

“I’ll do your Sunday shift!”

“Deal.”

“Thank you, Yukiho!”

* * *

_ Meet me at the train station at noon _ .

Honoka re-read Eli’s last message to her, her eyes flickering from the text bubble to the clock on the corner of her screen. Even if the clock didn’t show her right there that it was noon, the summer sun beat down against Honoka’s head in only the way that a mid-day sun could. She had been there for at least ten minutes, knowing that if she wasn’t there well in advance she would have been late, and she couldn’t do that to Eli.

Where  _ was _ she?

Honoka glanced at the window, seeing her reflection. Between the orange plaid polo and dark blue pencil skirt, Honoka almost felt like she was back in high school, trying to look her best for a crowd. It didn’t matter that she had a crowd of one this time around; if anything, she cared more about how she looked now then she did back then. She was older now, with her hair tied in the back instead of the side now, a slight but different look from her high school days. Maybe she should have worn her hair in a side-tail just to get Eli’s attention.

She couldn’t get her attention if she weren’t there, though.

“Honoka! Honoka!”

It turned out her ponytail didn’t matter. There were just some things about people that were easily-recognizable even after years apart. For Honoka, it might have been her poise or the charisma that exuded from her, but for Eli, it was definitely that voice. Pivoting on her heel, Honoka smiled as she saw Eli running towards her.

Eli wore her hair down, letting Honoka see that she kept her hair long even as she ran. It must have been uncomfortable running in her aqua shorts and a white undershirt underneath a black tank top, with an additional white coat dragging behind her like it was a cape. Even as she ran, though, there was a certain elegance in the way that she moved, like a dancer crossing the stage as quickly as she could without bringing too much attention to herself.

“Eli-chan! Hello!”

Honoka’s greeting was not enough to stop Eli. Only being close enough to pull her into a hug could, as she stopped the moment her arms wrapped around Honoka like a lost lover found. Honoka’s arms wrapped around her, taking in her warmth and that sweet smile she gave her. She could tell it was practice, further acting for the crowds of people that surrounded them, but it only grew clear when she pulled away and the smile grew from sweet to friendly.

“I’m so sorry I’m late. I got caught up in something with Alisa.”

“How’s Alisa-chan doing?”

“She’s surviving. I’ve been too busy with my studio to really talk with her, and sometimes she gets upset with me for that. She’s fine, though. How’s my favorite girlfriend?”

It took a nudge for Honoka to realize that Eli was being playful. “I’m good!” Honoka said proudly. “Glad to be spending time with my, uh, girlfriend? Is that good, Eli-chan?”

“Works for me, dear.” Honoka envied the way that Eli could make it sound so easy to be flirty. Her words came out so flawlessly, and her movements were just as natural; she hadn’t noticed that she had run her fingers down Honoka’s arm and rested her hand against hers until she squeezed slightly. “Is there anything you want to do today?”

Honoka gave her a shrug. “I don’t know. I’m not really used to dating at all. Do you know what people do on dates, Eli-chan?”

Instead of giving an answer, Eli laughed to herself. Honoka frowned, squeezing her hand. She was asking a serious question here, and this was how she was going to be treated?

“I’m sorry, Honoka. I’m just surprised that you haven’t been on a date before. I would have thought you all people would have met someone in university.

Honoka looked towards the ground. That made sense. Eli knew her from back in high school, where she had put her studies to the wayside for whatever else she could find. It wasn’t like she developed a love for schoolwork when she was in university, but she treated university more seriously, and put much more time into her classwork. She didn’t want to admit how much time she spent on homework, but it definitely bit into how much of a social life she could have had.

Eli pulled Honoka in tightly, leading her gaze to peer over Eli’s shoulder as they embraced. “It’s okay, Honoka. I’m glad I can be your first, then.”

Honoka squeezed Eli’s hand slightly. “I’m glad too, Eli-chan.” Breathing in, she took a whiff of Eli’s scent. It was a scent she was going to know well by the end of their travels, but Honoka couldn’t help but feel a genuine, if not guilty, pleasure in indulging in it. She didn’t know how to put it, but she smelled sweet, almost like a baked good. In that way, Eli’s arms almost felt like home.

Eli pulled away from the embrace, their only contact being the hands that held one another. “We shouldn’t dilly-dally for so long! I have an idea for where we can go.”

“Where’s that?” Honoka asked.

“I’m thinking we can probably sit down at a restaurant and get some food. Maybe we can catch up with each other.”

The sound of food made Honoka’s eyes widen, and her grip on Eli’s hand tightened as her smile grew. “I know! I know! I found this one place which has the best chocolate parfaits that I just know you’d love, Eli-chan! You wanna go there?”

Eli’s smile grew, and Honoka could see her cheeks flushing slightly. “You know me well, Honoka. Shall we?”

“I’ll lead the way!” Honoka said, and she did, running with Eli’s hand in tow. It didn’t matter the crowds that they almost crashed into anymore. There was nothing else that Honoka wanted more than this. It was always a treat going out and getting food with people no matter what, but to do it for a date, with Eli, no less, Honoka couldn’t have described in any other way but magical.

If only she looked over her shoulder and saw Eli’s smile, one that reflected that this was the Honoka that she once knew and loved.

* * *

Honoka’s choice of cafe couldn’t have been more Honoka if she wanted it to be.

The walls were a deep orange and the floors were hardwood. The waitresses were energetic and seemed to have a spring in their step. There weren’t any booths, but the table they sat at was in the corner right next to a window, giving almost the illusion that they were at a booth. The menus were slightly cutesy, but not like a place that Kotori would have gone to; they had just enough energy to fit the theme, whatever it could have been.

And the parfaits were huge.

Honoka scanned the menu as if the size of the parfaits were never an issue--they never were for her--but for Eli, she seemed almost meticulous in her decision for reasons far more than there being few chocolate-centered parfaits. “Honoka? Are you sure we can’t share one together?”

“Are you crazy?” Honoka remarked. “These things are so good that you won’t notice they’re gone until you’re scraping the glass hoping there’s more in there. They’re so good, you wouldn’t want to share!”

Eli squinted at her, reaching an arm out and grazing one of Honoka’s hands with her own. “But wouldn’t you think it’d be more romantic to share? There’s a chocolate parfait for two here that I’d love to share.”

“There is?” Honoka asked, her eyes widening as she scanned the menu once more. It took a few page flips, but she had found what Eli was talking about, conveniently under a cutesy “date parfaits” header in pastel bubble letters. Honoka’s eyes widened at the sight of the parfait compared to the standard ones, and it was definitely too much for her to tackle alone. Leave it to Eli to find the best and most fitting thing on the menu. “That looks amazing! We should get one!”

Her voice was enough to get the attention of one of the waitresses, who immediately headed to their table. “Hello! What would you like?”

“We’ll take one of these double chocolate parfaits for two, please!”

“Anything else?”

“I think we’re good. Do you want anything, Eli-chan?”

Eli shook her head. “I’ll just have the parfait.”

After handing the waitress their menus, Honoka and Eli were left alone, fingertips idly running along the tabletop. Her gaze met Eli’s and they both stayed silent, as if waiting for the other to start the conversation. But what was there to talk about? There was so much that could have happened during her time in university, but she didn’t even know where to begin. The only thing she knew about in her life, besides their plans for vacation, was the studio. It was a safe bet to talk about, she assumed.

“Eli-chan,” Honoka asked, “what kind of studio do you run?”

Eli giggled. “I run a dance studio. I started it up with a few of my friends in university. One of them works in business so she handles all the fees, while one of my friends and I handle all the choreography and dancing. It’s really exhausting some days, but it’s so fun to be a part of it.”

“Dancing?” Honoka asked. She knew that Eli danced before high school, but she thought it was a part of her past that she left behind and only choreographed for µ’s because she pleaded for her to do it.

Nevertheless, Eli nodded. “You didn’t know that I studied dance?”

Honoka’s gaze was blank, as if she was absorbing new information.

“Well, I did. I wasn’t planning on studying dance in high school, but thanks to µ’s, I remembered just how much I loved it. I practiced day in and day out once I left high school, and I eventually got a scholarship to study dance. I focused mainly on choreography.”

“That’s amazing!” Honoka exclaimed.

“Yeah, it really is. µ’s made me realize just how much I loved dance, and I can’t thank you enough for letting me be a part of it. Who knows where I would have gone if I didn’t study dance…”

“Mhm,” Honoka nodded, her fingers intertwining with one another. “I’m glad you were a part of µ’s, Eli-chan! I don’t know where we would have been without you.” In high school, probably nowhere, with Yukiho going to UTX. Now, she’d probably be at home, not even thinking about some resort trip that someone from her school was planning for herself. She definitely preferred the reality she had, with µ’s, with Eli, with the parfait that would hopefully come out soon.

“What did you study for college, Honoka?”

It took a few moments for Honoka to come up with her reply. “Media arts! I didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself, but being a part of µ’s made me realize how much I wanted to work with idols. I didn’t want to put in the effort of actually  _ being _ an idol, though. Nico-chan was always talking about how difficult it is being an idol.”

“I thought you would want to work at home at Homura.”

Honoka sighed the same sigh she gave her parents, her sister, and everyone else when she admitted that she wanted to go to college. “I thought I wanted to, too, but I feel like I want to do this more. Just because I had my life lined up for me doesn’t mean that I’m going to take the path of least resistance. If I did that in high school, we wouldn’t have had µ’s!”

Eli giggled. “I have no doubt that you’ll be able to find your way into the industry. Did anyone ask you if you were in µ’s?”

“You too, Eli-chan?”

Eli nodded. “People knew, and my work with µ’s was a major part of my portfolio when I wanted to make choreography my concentration. It landed me my scholarship, so I seriously can’t thank you enough for the opportunity.”

“Eheh…” Honoka brought a hand to the back of her head, fingers scratching at her scalp. “I honestly was surprised you wanted to join back then.”

“I’m glad I did,” Eli remarked. Honoka hadn’t even realized her guard was lowered until she felt Eli’s fingers resting against her jawline. She pulled her close enough for her to feel the heat radiating from her cheeks, her gaze wide and captivating. “Even if it only meant I met you.”

Honoka’s eyes watered slightly, her lips struggling to curl up into a smile. It was such a sweet comment, but it was one that seemed almost too left-field. Eli closed her eyes and giggled in response.

“I’m just practicing, Honoka,” she said, removing her hand from Honoka’s jaw and letting her sit back in her seat the way she once did. Honoka fidgeted slightly, her gaze darting from Eli’s to the table. She knew she was blushing, and she could see in the corner of her eyes that Eli was raking in her reaction.

Honoka giggled nervously, trying to piece herself together. “Right, we need to practice…” Her words were breathy, almost like she was talking to herself just as much as she was talking to Eli; she just needed to remind herself that there was a reason why they were there beyond them just going on a date. She could almost hear Nico’s voice talking about how she should stare at Eli like she’d look at a camera in a PV. It was all a facade. It was one that Honoka was slow to get used to, especially compared to Eli, but it was a facade nonetheless.

“Are you okay, Honoka?”

She was almost pulled into a kiss, denied it, and asked if she was okay. She shook whatever feelings were holding onto her and gave Eli a smile. “I’m okay! Just not quite used to practicing yet.”

Eli tilted her head slightly. “We could practice again, if you want.”

“I think I’m good for now!”

Honoka’s eyes darted all around the room and she quickly fixated on the waitress that carried a gigantic chocolate parfait. She was glad that she could find an excuse not to practice again; maybe it was how sudden it was, or maybe it was how fluently and nonchalantly Eli was able to transition from discussion to  _ practicing _ , but Honoka didn’t know if she wanted to do it more or not. At the very least, both of them could focus upon what was coming towards them, a parfait that seemed like it was too much for both of them to have as the waitress walked towards them and put it down.

“Here you go!”

“Thank you!”

Inside of a large, ornamented clear glass bowl lay a monument to chocolate. No expenses were spared; from the circumference of chocolate cream puffed perfectly to the whipped cream coated in chocolate sprinkles and drizzled in chocolate sauce, Honoka felt a tinge of guilt knowing that she’d have to carve into it. But she could see the chocolate pudding that was central to this delicacy, and the specks of chocolate flakes within, beckoning her to eat it.

She then stared at Eli, whose eyes were wide and focused entirely on the monument in front of them. She was awestruck at seeing such a chocolatey concoction in front of her, and Honoka thought for a split second that Eli could have eaten the whole thing if she weren’t there with her.

And yet, before she started, she clasped her hands together and let out a rushed “itadakimasu.” Honoka echoed her, and by the time she was done, Eli was already shoveling spoonfuls of the dish in an honestly childish way.

Even at her most immature, Eli found a way to be cute, even if it meant that there was chocolate syrup dribbling from one of the corners of her mouth.

Honoka dug her spoon into the parfait, her first bite a glob of chocolate pudding sprinkled with shaved chocolate. Tasting it, she realized why Eli was going in on it the way she was; even if Honoka wasn’t one to enjoy chocolate, this was incredible. She could only imagine how it felt to be Eli, a chocolate connoisseur, enjoying every bit that she could get her spoon into.

As Honoka ate slowly, savoring the taste, Eli slowed down with her eating until she was at Honoka’s pace. “Everything okay, Eli-chan?”

Eli nodded. “I just saw you savoring this, and I thought it might work better if I try that for myself.”

“I agree!” Honoka chimed. “I remember back in high school I was a bit of a fast eater, but when I slowed down, I learned just how much I can enjoy my food.”

“And this is to die for,” Eli added.

“Mhm!” Honoka hummed around her spoonful. Swallowing it down, she replied, “I’m really glad we were able to come here! This is my first time, and I--”

“You haven’t come here with Kotori or Umi?”

Honoka froze. Outside of the reunion planning, those were two names that she hadn’t heard since she left high school. They all had their separate paths to go, with Kotori even going to France, and Umi ending up at a university far beyond her reach. As long as they had been together, they thought that their time together came to an end with their graduation (or, more appropriately, when they met up at the airport to give Kotori sound goodbyes).

At the same time, she felt regret knowing that life ended up that way. She could see Kotori really enjoying herself here; she’d probably get a slice of cheesecake while Umi got herself something small and traditional, probably a coffee jelly, knowing her. It could have been something that they did back when Kotori came home for breaks--she  _ had _ to have breaks, right? 

“No, I haven’t,” Honoka whimpered. “I haven’t seen Kotori-chan or Umi-chan since university.”

“I feel that,” Eli replied, breaking the silence Honoka had expected to hear. “I wasn’t really able to keep in touch with Nico or Nozomi while going through college myself. It’s so weird that their lives are going how they are. I wouldn’t have ever expected them to be doing what they’re doing--well, Nico’s pretty obvious with her idol stuff-but I can’t believe I’ve lost touch with them for so long.”

Honoka nodded, scooping some of the parfait from the glass. “It’s really weird. That one year where we were in µ’s felt longer than my entire time in college, and all I have to do is one more semester.”

Eli sighed. It wasn’t a sigh of her enjoying another bite, but one of some sort of defeat. “You can say that again, Honoka. So much of college was a blur, and even if I’ve made some incredible friends there, it wasn’t anything at all like high school. No wonder why everyone’s with people from high school.”

“Mmm mmm mm mmmmm mm mmmsh?”

Honoka tried again after swallowing her mouthful of parfait.

“You mean everyone in µ’s?”

Eli nodded. “I’m surprised with some of them, but I’m happy for them. If Nozomi makes Umi happy, then I can’t complain…”

Honoka looked at the table. “I guess…”

That didn’t feel right coming out of her. Sure, she might have been more vocal in high school, but her words didn’t seem right. There was more than that coming from her; they didn’t need high school to enjoy themselves. Hell, they were doing it as they sat. Honoka looked up and gave Eli a wide smile. “Well, at least we have each other, right?”

Eli gave her a smile right back. “I guess so. It’s not like they’re different people. You’re still very clearly Honoka…”

“And Eli-chan’s still Eli-chan! You might be a bit older, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not Eli-chan! I bet Eli-chan from high school would have wolfed down that entire parfait like you did!”

Eli’s eyes widened, her fingers searching desperately for a napkin. When she found one, she wiped her face, cleaning herself of the chocolate that was on her lips and face. When she pulled away, she just looked at the soiled napkin for a few seconds before placing it on the table with a sigh.

“Don’t worry, Eli-chan! I’m still a messy eater myself! See?”

Honoka pointed at the corner of her mouth, a smudge of chocolate visible. Even if it wasn’t as egregiously messy as that of Eli’s feasting, it was clearly there for her to see. She waited to see Eli’s reaction, making sure that they were on the same page.

Eli straightened up a bit and reached over the table to wipe the corner of Honoka’s mouth with her napkin. “I swear, Honoka, I don’t get you sometimes, but you’ve always cheered me up. I’m glad that hasn’t changed at all.”

Honoka brought her spoon to what was left of the parfait, surprised to see how quickly it had disappeared between them. She was always a big eater, but Eli never struck her as the type to eat so much, or so quickly, for that matter. She took a mouthful, savored the slightly melted chocolate as the textures cascaded on her tongue, and swallowed before talking.

“And you’ve always been so, well, so…”

There was a word that Honoka wanted to use. It was one that she wanted to use ever since she had her as a member of µ’s. As much as she was reliable and leaderly, those didn’t feel right to describe her right now. She was always something else, someone who kept the world’s gaze on her, but not in the way that they looked at her own bright smile. She was cute, for sure, but that wasn’t something she could just  _ sneak _ into a conversation like this.

“...pleasant to be around! I really like spending time with you!”

That was the most awkward way she could have put it, but she didn’t care. She needed to get  _ something _ out. Judging by the way that Eli gingerly reached for her glass of water, though, it might not have been the best way she could have put it.

“Eli-chan?” Honoka queried as Eli sipped on her water.

Eli gave her a smile as she put the glass down, but still no words. A slight nod was all she gave, as if it were permission for Honoka to continue her thought.

“I’m really looking forward to this trip.” She reached a hand out from over the desk to squeeze one of Eli’s comfortingly, a motion which matched her reassuring tone of voice. “Even if we’re just playing pretend, I’m happy it means we get to be together, even for just a week.”

Eli nodded and leaned in, her fingers quickly intertwining with Honoka’s. “I’m glad, too.”

It was as if time stood still in that moment where their hands were together, a moment where Honoka’s fingers could trace Eli’s knuckles and enjoy how slender her hand felt against hers. She could enjoy her warmth and indulge in the way that her eyes twinkled. All those words that she wished she could say felt more appropriate than ever as she basked in Eli’s mature beauty, one that only grew as she had grown older. Honoka’s smile grew more as she savored every moment she stared at her.

“What’re you doing?” Eli asked teasingly, tilting her head slightly; maybe Honoka was staring a bit too much for her own comfort.

“Practicing…” Her voice was oddly distant, like she was answering the question without thinking too much about it. “You’re really pretty, Eli-chan.”

Eli’s smile grew and she leaned over the table, trying her best not to bump it while getting as close as she could to Honoka at the same time. “Your presence is so bright, I might not need to bring a night light for this trip.”

“If you need to bring one, Eli-chan, I don’t mind.”

The words seemed to roll off Honoka’s tongue with more ease than she thought. All that time she spent in college focusing on her schoolwork just so she could stay afloat--all the time she could have spent socializing and finding girlfriends--didn’t need to be spent finding love; it felt so natural for her to take what Eli had given her, with her flirtatious nature, and give it right back to her.

“I mean, I really don’t. I’m a pretty heavy sleeper, and a bit of light won’t hurt too much!”

As much as she wanted to flirt, though, she wanted to make that clear. At the very least, it made Eli giggle.

“Oh, Honoka. We might need to practice more.” Eli pulled her hand away from Honoka’s, and before she could ask why, she looked over her shoulder to see the waitress looking at them, with a bill in her hand.

“Thank you for visiting us!”

Honoka took the bill and looked at it for a few seconds. It wasn’t prohibitively expensive; they just got two cups of water and a large parfait. It came up to a little bit less than 2000 yen, which Honoka was quick to take out of her purse and place on top of the check. Eli’s features softened slightly as Honoka paid, and as their gazes met, Eli mumbled something.

“This should be my treat, Honoka. I asked if you wanted to go on a date.”

“I’m fine with paying, Eli-chan. My treat.”

“Honoka, I insist. It’s my treat.”

“Eli-chan,” Honoka remarked, “It’s my treat. I’m really happy we’ve found time to talk, and--”

“Honoka,” Eli interrupted. “I had most of the parfait, so I should pay for most of it.”

“I don’t care, Eli-chan! It’s on me!”

“Can I at least pay half, Honoka?”

Honoka shook her head. She didn’t want Eli to pay for any of it; her company was worth every yen spent on the parfait. It wasn’t even expensive.

“If we find something else to do, you can pay for it, Eli-chan.”

Eli straightened up and smiled, like Honoka’s compromise was an excuse to lengthen their date. “Are you saying we should go somewhere after this?”

Honoka’s smile grew wide and brighter, and her knees bounced underneath the table. “I’d love to! Do you have any ideas?”

Eli pursed her lips for a few seconds, deep in thought, but it didn’t take long for her to figure something out; once she did, she grabbed Honoka by the wrist and stood up. Pulling her out of her seat, Eli only paused to make sure that she was standing before dragging her out of the cafe. Honoka grabbed onto her wrist tightly, not wanting to let go. It was a friendly gesture; it was practicing to her.

“Thank you!” was Honoka’s final call to the restaurant as they left, and immediately Honoka caught up with Eli’s pace, their shoulders rubbing up against one another as they took their first few steps outside. “So, Eli-chan, what do you wanna do?”

* * *

The rest of the day was a blur to Honoka.

Whether she rested her head against Eli’s shoulder on her way from place to place via bus or train, or Eli doing so as they watched a movie at a theatre, Honoka and Eli practiced being comfortable with one another. When they spent time at the arcade they practiced talking and flirting and giving subtle hints to one another, public displays of affection that made them seem just like every other couple that was in there.

It might have been wrong to say, but Honoka loved every moment of it. She loved the way that Eli used her shoulder to wipe her tears off during the heaviest parts of the movie. She loved how warm Eli’s arms felt around her when she gave her a bunch of chocolate with her arcade tickets and gave one of her crane game toys to her. She loved the way that Eli hummed to herself every time they were on the train--it was always some µ’s song that Honoka was quick to harmonize. She had savored every moment that they spent together, every smile; it was so nice to have time to spend with her, and not a moment was wasted. It honestly felt like they were a couple.

Judging by the gazes that they got from bus drivers, theatre workers, and others at the arcade, they fit in quite well, just like any other couple that was there. If anything, they had a few judgmental stares at how close they were--like two schoolgirls who never quite grew up and were still practicing romance with one another.

They weren’t necessarily wrong, but it was pretty easy for Honoka to forget that; it usually just took the occasional wink and nudge from Eli--unlike the more flirtatious winks and nudges, that is--that she was kidding around, and that Honoka, too, was kidding. It was all practicing romance.

Honoka’s toes curled in her shoes as she twiddled her thumb between her fingers, the sunset that lit the station they stood beside as beautiful as it was devastating. Normally, Honoka would have loved to watch the sunset with Eli, and even though they were, hand in hand and sitting on a bench, she felt a ping of dread through her spine.

“That was so much fun, Honoka!”

Honoka nodded for a moment before speaking, taking the time to collect her thoughts. “It really was! I’m so glad we spent today together, Eli-chan!”

Eli laughed. “Why haven’t we done this sooner? We probably could have gone and enjoyed ourselves back in high school.”

“I dunno,” Honoka remarked. “We didn’t really have a reason to do something like this.”

Eli nodded. “Yeah. I’m glad we did, though, even if it was just for a practice date. I’m so ready to pretend for the resort trip!”

Honoka froze for a second before learning into her, her eyes trailing away from Eli’s gaze. “Yeah, it’ll be fun...”

“Everything okay, Honoka?” Eli questioned, bringing a hand to Honoka’s jaw so their gazes met once more. Honoka could see the concern bubbling in her beautifully blue eyes, and as much as she wanted to dart away from it, she knew whatever she would do would make things worse.

“Yeah, uh, everything’s fine! Don’t worry about me!” She remarked, flashing her genki smile to her. “I’m just thinking about what to bring for the trip!”

She knew exactly what she was planning on wearing for the trip, and she had her clothes and swimsuits alike all stuffed into a suitcase in the corner of her room. Eli didn’t need to know that, though.

“Oh, yeah. I feel that. I’m probably going to throw whatever I think works in my suitcase the night before. Maybe I’ll ask Alisa what would look best.”

“Maybe I should talk with Kotori-chan about that, too,” Honoka giggled. “Maybe I can see how she’s doing, too.”

“Yeah, I still need to get in touch with Nozomi and Nico,” Eli sighed. “I still can’t believe so much time has passed. I thought I’d be friends with them forever.”

Honoka nodded, but it was the perfect opportunity for her to lean in and give Eli a kiss on the cheek. “At least you have me, though! At least, until the end of the week.” She did everything in her power to make sure her second sentence didn’t come out with any malice; once the week ended, it’d all become a memory for her, just as intangible as the ones from high school that she could only remember from faint dreams.

It’d be yet another thing for her to talk to herself about in her baths.

“Hey, at least we can enjoy ourselves that week, right?” Eli asked, reassuring Honoka. “Don’t cry because it’ll be over, Honoka; smile because we’re going to have lots of fun, like we have had today!”

Honoka nodded, sitting back in her seat right next to Eli. “I don’t want today to end…”

“Me neither, Honoka, but I should really head home. Yukiho will probably be worried if you don’t come home soon.”

“But I don’t want to go home! I had too much fun today!”

“Things are closing up, Honoka. I promise we’ll have fun when we’re together at the resort. I can promise you that.”

Begrudgingly, Honoka let go of Eli’s hand, and she stood up, heading towards the station doors so she could go home.

“Honoka, wait!”

Honoka looked over her shoulder, seeing Eli walking towards her with a slight spring in her step and her arms outreached. Honoka pivoted and widened her arms, a tearful smile forming on her face as she prepared to indulge in one last hug with Eli for the night. She was welcomed with the warmth that she expected from all her hugs with Eli, and the way that her body felt against her own.

What Honoka didn’t expect was for Eli to pull her in for a kiss.

She could taste the faintest of chocolate on her lips as their lips meshed. She couldn’t tell if it were for a minute, a second, or just a moment--time felt like it was nothing when their lips were together, and the only way Honoka could tell how long it was was by how her hands didn’t wrap up around her as tightly as she would have had they kissed for a minute or even a second.

“Hopefully that cheers you up!”

For as much as, in Honoka’s mind, a kiss would have cheered her up, it didn’t. It reminded her of how good Eli was at faking this kind of thing--already on their first date it felt so blurred, that Eli was just using the word of practice to hide things over her genuinely wanting to practice a fake relationship. She wasn’t sure how much of it was Eli being Eli, and how much of it was something more, something she didn’t want to dig too deep into given that they had barely any time left together for the night.

“A practice kiss?” Honoka huffed, trying her best to hide the tears welling up in her eyes.

Eli silently nodded. “I thought it’d be nice to try that, at least. I almost forgot about it. We should be ending practice dates with practice kisses, right?”

“I guess so,” Honoka sighed, her eyes darting towards a nearby trash can for a few seconds. With a huff of composure, she looked back at Eli with a demure gaze.

“C-can we practice again?”

Eli smiled and leaned in, her lips once more pressed against Honoka’s. Honoka’s eyelids fluttered shut as Eli grew closer to her and her lips met up with hers, her arms eagerly looping around her neck as their lips meshed against one another. Sure, from the way that their lips smacked, it wasn’t one kiss, but Honoka wasn’t going to argue the semantics of making out with her.

The taste of chocolate on her lips was still faint, like it was a distant memory of their parfait that didn’t grow any stronger with the amount of time they made out. Even if they made out forever, it probably wouldn’t come to the forefront too much.

Once they pulled away from one another, Honoka pulled Eli in tightly, her chin resting against her shoulder. “I love you, Eli-chan. I should practice that too, right?”

“Mhm. I love you, Honoka.”

And with their practice vows declared, Eli pulled herself away from Honoka and pivoted on her heel, making sure that her gaze stayed on Honoka as long as it could. “Take care!”

“Good night, Eli-chan!”

Honoka sighed as she turned towards the doors of the station, and as she walked towards them, they opened up for her to enter. Through the dull tiles and dull lighting, Honoka almost wished that through it all, Eli was there in some way to make sure she’d get home safely. Even if it was a fear she had, she felt that it was worth staying out late just to spend more time with her, even if she made herself as small as possible as she made her way through the corridors of the station and found herself a train that would take her home in the fastest way.

She was glad that there was a convenience store on the way home. In her sole detour, she bought a chocolate bar and a bottle of green tea for Yukiko’s troubles.

* * *

“I’m home!”

“Welcome home,” said Yukiho, staring Honoka down from the counter. “I’m glad you made it home.”

Honoka giggled. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I kinda lost time with Eli-chan, but I got you something for your troubles.”

“Mom and dad were getting worried about you, too.”

“I went to college for three years. They should be used to me not being home.”

Yukiho shrugged. “I guess they’re still adjusting to you being an adult.”

“But it’s been three years! That’s a lot of time!”

“Onee-chan, you’ve told me that college goes by so fast.”

“It does, Yukiho! It doesn’t mean it’s a lot of time, though!”

Yukiho nodded. “What’s in the bag?”

Honoka pulled out the bottle of green tea and extended it to Yukiho, who grabbed it like it was made of gold. “You even got the good brand, too! Thank you so much!”

Honoka nodded. “You’re welcome! I’m probably going to get to bed,” Honoka said as she slipped behind the counter and towards the stairs. “Goodnight, Yukiho!”

“Goodnight, Onee-chan!”

Honoka quickly went up the stairs and entered her room, and the first thing she did was pull the bar of chocolate out of her bag. She kneeled at the miniature table in the center of her room, quickly unwrapping the chocolate bar and throwing the wrapper into the garbage can halfway across the room. She fist-bumped the air in success when she saw the wrapper land in the bin, and she took a bite out of the bar.

Never did she love chocolate more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so not used to writing fluff or angst or whatever this is at all.


	3. chapter 2: love is...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honoka meets up with all the members of µ's as they go on their flight to their resort.

Their second rehearsal, as Eli called it, was supposed to be in front of the airport, and it was supposed to start the moment that Honoka got out of the car and waved Yukiho goodbye.

The moment Honoka tugged her luggage out of the car and Yukiho drove away, she pivoted on her heel, quickly scanning the outside of the airport in hopes that she’d find Eli. She thought she’d find her--even with all of the tourists that lined the outside of the building, she’d know where she was. With every pass of the area with no success, though, her confidence waned slightly; wasn’t she supposed to meet her here?

Honoka retrieved her phone from her purse and checked her text messages, confirming what she believed. Maybe it had to do with the traffic, which Honoka stalled out by blasting music from the radio no matter how much Yukiho seemed like she wanted to talk with her.

Truth was, she was too giddy to talk. Sure, there was Eli, and the butterflies that came with talking with, or about, her, but Eli was only one person of the eight she was looking for. As much as she dreaded the maligned question about if she was working with her family’s sweets restaurant, she was excited to see her closest friends from high school. It had been so long, long enough that when she stepped into the airport to check if Eli were there, she was confused about a long-haired redhead in an orange blouse and skirt turning around and crashing into her with a hug.

That was, until she talked.

“Honoka-chan! Oh my goodness! It’s been forever, nya!”

“Hi, Rin-chan!” The words came out so naturally, as did the smile that grew on her face. As shocking as it was to her that she looked effeminate, Rin still had the infectious enthusiasm she knew her for. That, and the strength that manifested in the way that she  _ squeezed _ her in her hug. “It’s been awhile,” she choked out.

“How have you been? How’s school going? Are you--”

“Rin.”

Honoka’s eyes widened slightly as she heard a voice she thought was Umi’s, but when she looked over her shoulder, she saw Nico in a pink sundress; same blood red eyes and long black hair; her physique was still diminutive, but she was growing into it, and she looked somewhat like her mother, if Honoka could recall what she looked like. Her voice lacked the squeak that she was used to, and watching her tell Rin off was jarringly surreal.

“Are you going to tackle  _ everyone _ who comes in here?”

Nico stepped forward and brought a hand to Rin’s shoulder, and she backed away, although the energetic and cat-like smile didn’t leave her face.

“Oh, hi, Nico-chan! Your voice--”

“I know, I know. The record company found some B-side from our µ’s years, and they want me to sing with my chest voice, even though I’m not quite used to it.”

“I’m not used to it, either,” Honoka nervously giggled.

“Neither are the kids,” she shrugged.

“Neither is Rin, nya!”

Nico sighed, echoing Rin’s addition. “Neither is Rin.”

Suddenly, both Rin and Nico tried peeking over Honoka’s shoulders as if someone was right behind her. Before Honoka could take the hint, though, she felt a pair of slender arms wrapping around her from behind and someone resting her head against her shoulder.

“I’m sorry I’m late, sweetie. I got caught up in traffic.”

Eli’s voice was so warm and soft, immediately heating up Honoka’s cheeks as her words grazed her ear. She turned to face her captor with a demure smile, her eyes widening as their gaze met hers. She wore her hair down, like how she did during their practice date, and her eyelids fluttered shut a few moments after their gazes met. Leaning in, she stole a kiss from Honoka’s lips, one that she melted into for the quarter-second they kissed.

“Ew,” came from Nico.

“Oh, hi, Nico.” Eli commented as she noticed the peanut gallery of the other couple. “I’ll make sure you don’t see that again,” she joked, giving her a wink as she pulled away from Honoka and a hand trailed its way down until it met Honoka’s. Honoka’s fingers were quick to intertwine with hers, and she leaned slightly into her as she listened to her talk with Eli about her voice.

“Honestly, I like your chest voice better. Are you going to talk with Tsubasa or Maki about vocal coaching for the week?”

“Probably. I’d prefer talking with Tsubasa, because Maki had to drop music for medicine and I trust Tsubasa much more with this. I’m pretty sure Maki would just make some snide comments instead of helping.”

“Rin thinks Nico-chan doesn’t read into Maki-chan’s advice enough, nya!”

Nico looked over her shoulder. “At least she gives you  _ constructive _ criticism!”

Her comment earned a laugh from Eli and Rin alike, while Honoka drifted into Eli’s shoulder, her arm quick to wrap around her torso. Nico was quick to notice, a smile quick to draw on her face.

“Eli, you didn’t tell me you were going out with Honoka!”

“Ooh!” Rin joined in on the festivities. “Eli-chan and Honoka-chan? I can see it. You two look really cute together!”

“Thank you,” Honoka remarked, wanting to hide in what little of Eli’s sleeve there was. She silently cursed her short sleeves, leaving her flush to fill her cheeks in front of both of them.

“We started going out a week ago,” Eli explained. “We got in touch because of Maki’s message, and even went on a date. It was so adorable!”

So, to everyone else, it was a date, but for her, it was a practice date? If she were Umi, she’d probably scold her for calling it a practice date with her, but she saw it as something better; Eli loved the date enough that she wanted to drop it from being just practice. Honoka hummed in Eli’s arms, pulling herself tighter into her.

“Mhm! We’ve been going out for about a week now,” Honoka added. “I’m really happy we’re going out!” She looked up to Eli for a few seconds with wide eyes, almost concerned that she didn’t do a good enough job to fool Nico. Hell, she thought she was so transparent that even Rin could call bull on her. For good measure, she added the next thing that came to her mind, no matter how embarrassing. “I want to be with Eli-chan forever!”

“She’s quite a catch, Honokacchi.”

Honoka straightened up at the sound of a new voice behind her. It was very clear who it was from; she didn’t need to turn around to know that it was Nozomi talking. With her girlfriend in tow, she joined the circle, stepping between the two couples.

Outside of their intertwined hands and dark hair cascading down their backs, Umi and Nozomi couldn’t have looked any less like they were in a relationship. Umi had worn a conservative sundress that went down to her knees and lacked any semblance of a cleavage window; it was Umi down to the dark blue color. Meanwhile, Nozomi must have believed that the only reason why anyone in µ’s would remember her was for her chest, leading to a purple v-neck that showed an almost-uncomfortable amount of skin for an airport. Yet, Umi didn’t have a look of shamelessness, like she was holding the hand of a maniac.

“Good morning, everyone,” Umi tacitly greeted with a slight bow that Nozomi followed up with, much to the chagrin of her shirt. Once they stood up, Umi nudged Nozomi’s side, and she quickly buttoned up part of her v-neck, hiding her chest a bit more.

“It’s good to see y’all,” Nozomi added. “Nicocchi and Elicchi, you two have some cute girlfriends, but they’re nothing to Umicchi here,” she said, pulling her into a hug that Umi didn’t react to. It was almost like Nozomi had a soothing touch that dispelled whatever led to Umi being so snappy and overwhelmed with Honoka, or Kotori, or anyone else. Maybe it was Umi realizing Nozomi was always like this. Honoka didn’t know, nor did she want to pry too much.

“You’re wrong, Nozomi-chan!” Rin interjected. “Nico-chan is so much cuter!”

“Honoka’s cuter.”

Eli adding her voice to the conversation soothed Honoka slightly, like there was nothing for her to worry about. It was like Eli had mulled over their date and had recognized her for who she was, and the feelings that she had for her. The ones she practiced having for her.

“No, Eli-chan,  _ you’re _ cuter.” Honoka added, looking up to her with a wide smile. Part of her wanted to lean in and peck her cheek, much to Nico’s--and possibly Umi’s--annoyance, but she ultimately resisted. She needed to talk to defend herself from not only Eli’s rebuttals, but Rin’s, and Nozomi’s, and even Nico’s.

And, once they joined in, Kotori’s and Hanayo’s.

It wasn’t like Kotori and Hanayo joining in wasn’t met with a round of greetings. There was greetings, and appreciation of their outfits and how cute they looked together; Kotori was obviously in charge of what they were wearing, leading Kotori to wear jean shorts and Hanayo a denim skirt, with both wearing flowing blouses in differing shades of green. Hanayo had grown her hair out, too, fashioned in a low ponytail, while Kotori opted for a high ponytail in lieu of her signature loop.

The moment they talked about cuteness, though, it all returned to what they were talking about: how cute everyone was with their partners, and Honoka could see it. It took a bit getting used to Nozomi and Umi, and Nico’s voice coming out of her mouth, but the more she looked, the more it seemed like these relationships were genuine and loving. She could only hope that she looked the same way with Eli’s arm wrapped around her.

“Honoka-chan, I didn’t know you were going out with Eli-chan!”

It was time for a line she spent far too long rehearsing in front of a mirror. “Mhm! She’s been my girlfriend for two weeks! I love her so much!”

“I love her, too,” Eli added, looking down at Honoka with a warm smile.

“I’m glad to hear that, Honoka, Eli,” Umi added. “You two seem really happy together.”

“It might just be that they’re newly in love,” Rin remarked, earning her an elbow from Nico. “Hey! I have a point here, nya!”

“Rin,” Nico remarked, “Be happy that they found love. They’ll find their way, and I can totally see them being happy together.”

Honoka could, too. As much as she knew that there was some practice involved here, there was a part of her that loved practicing so much that she didn’t mind dropping the act of practicing. They didn’t need to know; as far as she was concerned, there was nothing for them to know at all.

Leaning in, she pecked Eli on the cheek and beamed brightly, letting her know just how happy she was. If Eli wanted to call it practice, that was fine by her. It was all practice, but it didn’t mean that she didn’t love it.

“Oh, look who decided to join us! Ms.  _ I need three suitcases for myself and my girlfriend _ .”

Looking over her shoulder, Maki and Tsubasa were the two that looked the most similar to how they were in high school. Even if their hands weren’t intertwined due to their suitcases, and the mismatch in their clothes, there was an aura about them that made clear that they were also together. Maki had put on a red button-up shirt and skirt, while Tsubasa wore a tee shirt and jean shorts; barely clothes that said that they were going out. Tsubasa’s wide eyes of being called out and Maki’s glare at the crowd of µ’s members was the only thing that made clear that they were the miss and girlfriend in question.

“I’d expect something like that from Nico, not you, Umi!”

“That  _ was _ from me!” Nico’s fuming was enough for her voice to crack for the slightest second, as if telling Maki that it was indeed from her. It earned a round of soft giggles, but nothing that Nico could call out in particular. To add insult to injury, Maki stepped right next to her, with Tsubasa, and their luggage, in tow.

“Nico told me about this, Maki. Someone from the record company wants her to do a few singles with her deep voice from one of your old B-sides.”

Maki tilted her head and nodded. That made everything clear for her.

While they busied themselves, Honoka squeezed Eli’s hand and looked at her. Eli looked back with a smile on her face that she didn’t think she’d seen from her. She didn’t know exactly how to put it into words, but it was soothing and warming. It reminded her of the time they spent on their date, at the end where she promised her that she would be there for her for more than that one moment. There they were, in a moment Honoka wanted to encapsulate forever, and the longer she lingered in it, the more her smile grew.

She almost wanted to mouth that she didn’t want to practice anymore, but she couldn’t bring herself to it. It wasn’t that she felt like she was overstepping--whatever happened between them happened between them. It wasn’t that at all, even if Eli was so insistent with her about practice and rehearsals and all those different terms that described things in dance which meant that they weren’t actually doing it.

Yet, as she captured herself in that smile, and basked in her gaze and her warmth, she couldn’t help but think about slipping it out somehow. She couldn’t, though; not in front of everyone who believed it so much. It’d be an ugly thing to talk about with her.

She avoided it all as Maki brought the group to order with a question that doubled as a demand.

“Should we go through luggage now?”

“Sheesh, Maki,” Nico whined. “You’re not even gonna tell us about the family business?”

“Maybe when we’re through security, Nico!”

Maki pivoted on her heel and headed towards the line, and Tsubasa followed. After them came the rest of the group, with Honoka and Eli tailing them all. As much as Honoka wanted to pause and tell her, she kept going, knowing that there were people behind them and she didn’t want to get cut in line. It was the only way that they could make sure that they were all sitting next to each other.

Maybe it wasn’t, but Honoka didn’t want to try anything funny. Thus, she walked with Eli, hand in hand, to check in their luggage.

* * *

Getting through the luggage check and security went without a hitch. Waiting for the plane to arrive wasn’t much of a hassle, either; they stayed together and sat in front of their hangar, waiting for their plane to arrive. Her hand was in Eli’s the entire time, and their bodies were rested against one another. She did get a question from Nozomi, but it was quickly answered; they were fine sitting there, and yes, their seats were right next to each other. Honoka got the window seat and Eli the aisle.

Through the arduous process of getting on board the plane, Honoka’s fingers were knit between Eli’s, and only broke once they had reached their designated row. Honoka slipped in and placed her purse underneath the seat besides her while Eli sat down next to her. After putting on their seatbelts, they returned to holding hands with one another.

“Eli-chan,” Honoka said softly; she didn’t want anyone to overhear her.

“What’s up, Honoka?” Eli turned to face her, a slight bit of concern in her eyes. “Are you scared of flying?”

Honoka shook her head. She felt no fear in flying; she loved the way that the large cities seemed so small when she looked down on them from kilometers away. They let her know that there was so much more to this world than what she had, and infinite paths for her to explore. If anything, once they were off the ground, she’d be talking Eli’s ear off about how amazing it was looking down on the world from their point of view.

But that would mean talking to Eli, and keeping her attention. She almost wished that she was in the same row as other members of µ’s and there was the occasional spotlight of a glance passed to them for Eli to perform in. At least then, there’d be some attention shone on her.

“It’s not that, Eli, it’s that--”

Before she could explain herself, the pilot went through his messages about airline safety protocols, the same speech that Honoka heard every time that they had gone on a plane. At the very least, she could divert her attention to Eli repeating each word verbatim, including a pantomiming of all of the actions that the stewardesses performed with their seatbelts and oxygen masks and floatation devices. Honoka nervously giggled, and Eli shot her a wink that asked if what she was doing was cheering her up.

She was paying attention to her, and nobody from µ’s--or anyone, for that matter--was watching them, so it was working.

Once the presentation was over, she continued. “Whenever I go to Russia to visit my grandmother, I have to listen to this speech. I swear, they all read the exact same script. Even in Russian, it’s no different.”

Honoka tilted her head slightly, a soft smile forming on her face as she squeezed her hand softly. “I see. I don’t use airplanes that often.”

“Stay at home?”

“I haven’t found any companies looking for talent scouts,” Honoka huffed.

“You haven’t found any yet. I have faith in you. We all do,” Eli reassured her.

Of course, through µ’s, she was supposed to be a leader. She was the one who guided them through Love Live and to the top, even superseding A-Rise, but in the time that she had gone through college, things had changed so much. Rin’s hair, Nico’s voice, Umi’s relief: cultivated over years of time away and personal restructure, a period of time that Honoka aimlessly ambled through majors and life choices. They all felt so genuine and calm and brilliant, and there Honoka was, with her hand in her faux-girlfriend’s performing actions that she couldn’t tell were genuine or not.

And she couldn’t break that illusion for herself. All she could do was hold her hand and wonder how much of this was Eli acting and how much of it wasn’t. Maybe she should have asked a question like that during their date--their practice date--instead of letting it linger, but she couldn’t commit on a first date like that.

“Eli-chan?” Honoka tried again, “what does love feel like?”

It took a moment of Eli looking towards the ceiling for her to formulate her answer, but once she did, she returned her glance to Honoka. “I don’t know. It really depends on the person, but from my experiences, it’s about being comfortable enough to tell someone what you think at any moment. It’s about having unyielding faith and trust in someone.”

Honoka nodded, but before she could respond, she had realized just how much the plane had moved; they were finally on the runway, and before she could talk, her back was slammed into the seat as they took off. Eli’s hand squeezed Honoka’s tightly, and she squeezed back, not caring about how much it hurt or anything like that; her gaze occasionally flickered to Eli’s, seeing the slight panic in her eyes, but she didn’t know what to do.

As the plane finally left the ground, Eli’s eyes grew wider, and Honoka was free to lean in. “Eli-chan! Everything will be fine! Deep breaths.” Sure, she was reciting something from some self-help book that she had found in her college library during one of her study breaks, but as Eli took those deep breaths, she could see it working, the panic in her eyes settling into a calmness that consumed her once the plane leveled out.

“Thank you, Honoka,” Eli said, “I really needed that.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” Honoka replied, her voice soft. “I’m here to make you happy.”

“You shouldn’t be,” Eli remarked.

Honoka’s eyes widened slightly at the comment, and the feeling of tears forming in her cheeks started taking over.

“You should be here because you deserve to be here. Don’t be here for me, or for µ’s reuniting. Be here because you deserve to be here.”

A wave of relief crashed through Honoka as Eli elaborated on her previous comment. That would be something worth years in the making. She’d always been a crowd pleaser, one who talked with Homura patrons and would make friends with small talk at libraries and bars. Just the thought that she could have some time for herself, and purely for herself, was alien, but there Eli was, parroting the same lines that her friends in college told her.

“Of course, I’d love spending time with you, though,” Eli added, almost jokingly. “We are  _ girlfriends _ and all.”

The slight nudge of her side grounded Honoka, telling her that yes, this was meant to be taken jokefully. She let out a giggle, one that could be taken as a response to flirting, just in case people were watching. Their love had to be performative, after all; action after action that told everyone just how much in love they were with one another. No less, maybe more.

And maybe it was just pointless to dwell on their love in this way and how fake it was. It wasn’t like she wasn’t going to smile with her arms wrapped around Eli because she had to make a show out of it. Eli had a decent head on her shoulders; she could be a bit childish at times, but yet again, she could almost hear Yukiho leveling that complaint right back at her, like she was a pot calling a kettle black. Maybe, just maybe, if she pretended not to care about it, they’d just let it continue.

Maybe Nozomi and Umi didn’t notice the moment that they went from friends to girlfriends. Kotori and Hanayo? They probably did some proposal in a cafe with cheesecake and sweets. Tsubasa and Maki could have been roommates for some apartment in Tokyo while Maki completed her studies and somehow they ended up being inseparable. Who even knew with Rin and Nico? She was sure that they’d find their way to announce to the world, and that surely,  _ surely _ , she was overthinking it all in a way that was totally not romantic, and she should just enjoy the way that Eli’s hand rested against hers and how her head rested against her shoulder.

“Getting comfortable?” Honoka questioned with a bemused smile.

“Mhm,” Eli remarked. “You remember how long the flight is supposed to be?”

“I think like an hour and a half,” Honoka shrugged. “We’ll be there pretty soon.” She could feel the anticipation building up inside her as she spoke. They were so close to a moment where they could finally cut loose from the rest of everyone, take their own path through the resort. Maybe she could find a few packs of stickers in the boutique that she could keep as mementos. Even if she had to throw them away for any reason, at the very least, she had them for a moment.

Come to think of it, she didn’t really know too much about Eli outside of school and their date. At the very least, this was a time where she could change it. Maybe not at the moment, where she was slowly falling asleep on her arm, but maybe when they landed.

But before she could ask, she noticed something: Eli was wearing a necklace with a small gold heart on it right in front of her collar. It looked really cute against Eli’s top, a blue the color of her eyes.

“Eli-chan,” Honoka mumbled, “where did you get that necklace?”

Eli’s eyes fluttered open. “Oh, this? I made it myself.”

Honoka’s grin grew in surprise. “It’s so cute, Eli-chan!”

Eli nodded. “Thank you, Honoka. I’m glad you like it. Maybe if we find some cute seashells on the beach, I’ll make you some earrings.”

“For me? You don’t have to!”

“I know,” Eli said, turning slightly so their gazes could meet more fixedly. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”

Before Honoka could reply, Eli returned to her shoulder and her eyelids fluttered shut. She wanted to ask if she was being performative, but it was too much. There was still a part of her that thought that it would be, and Eli was throwing an empty promise to her that she’d never do, but she didn’t want to bring that up out loud. Not now, at least.

With Eli sleeping on her, she turned her attention to her window, seeing the thin clouds swirling underneath them harmlessly. Through the wisps she could see small towns and cities, ones that she couldn’t have known the names of, but it wasn’t a matter to her. She could barely see the streets, let alone the cars of everyone driving down them, going from place to place and figuring out their parts in the world. There were salarymen with wives going to and from their jobs and home, probably a few high schoolers exercising their last summer break to do something spectacular, and maybe a few wayward souls trying to figure out their place in life. Honoka could feel those woes even from how high up they were from those cars. She could feel it all, in some way: the lockdown of life, the freedom of youth, the confusion of it all.

She almost wished it was nighttime. Not that she didn’t love the day, but she’d love to wake Eli up from her nap just so they could see the light patterns at night in a picture as humbling as it was pretty. Maybe they could settle in and find a place where they could enjoy just looking at the lights or the stars or something sappy like that. She didn’t know, nor did she care: she’ll let all that stuff be for Eli to think about.

After all, part of this vacation was for being herself, even if it meant that Eli had to tag along.

She turned her focus away from the window and back to Eli, who was resting soundly against her. She slept as elegantly as she walked, her breathing slow and calm. The way that her hair framed her face was just as mature as it was youthful, and Honoka couldn’t help but stare. Giving Eli’s hand a squeeze, her smile grew a bit more; even if she wasn’t going to spend the entire time focusing on making her happy, she definitely had plans to do just that. Even if every day was going to be a surprise, it relieved her that she could find a way to make the surprises pleasant for her.

It wasn’t like all this wasn’t a pleasant surprise already. Through all the small talk and the bellyaching about what it meant to practice, these events, from the moment Maki sent that message, comprised a chain of pleasant surprises that Honoka felt she was ready for. In the moments of silence, all the feelings she felt were justified. She could at least enjoy the calm, even if it were before a storm.

She didn’t know what Eli thought of her, though, and part of her wanted to wait, and wait, and wait some more. Through their previous travel together she knew that Eli talked in her sleep, and maybe, just maybe, she’d be able to hear a bit of what she had to say. It might take awhile for her to dream, but at the very least, she could listen.

Yet again, it meant that she was watching Eli sleep, and that was not romantic at all. Romance was tiring and a fickle thing to Honoka, something she didn’t get back then and something which she still didn’t get. She just wanted a hint; something to tell her that she was doing her job well and that Eli was happy with her. They had the Love Live as a benchmark back in high school and all their school performances, but those had ends and those were certainly performances. Eli couldn’t just dance her Angelic Angel dance steps all the way from the airport to the resort. What was this for her? What was this for Honoka?

Honoka took a deep breath, and after trying to put a bit more thought into it, decided to look out the window, trying her best to see the tiny towns and occasional city while Eli softly snored.

And then came a word.

“Alisa…”

Honoka’s attention returned to Eli, who was still sleeping on her shoulder. Her lips quivered slightly, as though whatever she was dreaming about was unpleasant.

“Don’t worry about me, Alisa…”

Her lips stopped quivering, and instead, a warm smile formed on her lips. And, as if Eli realized that Honoka was eavesdropping on her, started talking in Russian.

“ _ Ona budet tam dlya menya... _ ”

Her words made Honoka’s heart skip a beat. She could feel the warmth radiating from them, but that was it. Honoka didn’t understand a single bit of Russian, but that was a moment that she wished that she did, just so she could know what she was saying. She hoped it was positive. She hoped it was about her. She hoped so much, but if she even tried to make light of it, it’d be an ugly story. Honoka just wished she knew.

Even if it took her to the ends of the Earth, she just wanted to know.

Honoka looked out the window once more, seeing the world growing larger as their descent began. She kept her hand in Eli’s, and nudged her awake. “Eli-chan,” she added, “we’re almost here.”

Eli was slow to wake up, mumbling something to herself as she stared at Honoka, and then the window, and back to Honoka. She squeezed her hand warmly. “Oh?”

“We’re almost there!” Honoka announced once more, which was enough to relieve Eli of whatever emotional sleep residue she was feeling.

“Mmm,” Eli hummed as she straightened herself.

“Did you sleep well?”

Eli nodded. “I did. I wish I could have slept for longer, though.”

Honoka shrugged. “Sorry, but it was only a 90-minute flight, and I didn’t want you to wake up from the landing.”

“I appreciate it, Honoka,” Eli remarked before stifling a yawn with her hand. “I really do.”

The rest of µ’s seemed to be talking amongst themselves as they descended, the anticipation that fueled all of them finally lighting up in conversations about what they were going to do and their plans for the week. Honoka didn’t have any of that; she was going to let the week fly by and she’d figure things out from there.

“What do you want to do after checking in, Honoka?” Eli asked, joining in on the festivities of question-asking.

Honoka thought for a few seconds before letting out her answer. “Resorts like these always have pools, right? I really want to go for a swim!”

“They should,” Eli remarked, “but I’m sure that they have a beach somewhere, too. Maybe we can find a small place to swim alone together,” she jested, nudging Honoka teasingly.

“Eli-chan…” Honoka whined quietly. The thought of them alone, swimming together, possibly with a variable amount of clothes on; it was just too much for her to think about right now, especially with that teasing nudge that almost signified that it was performative. It couldn’t have  _ all _ been, but it was still something she thought about.

“I’m so excited,” Eli added, changing the atmosphere between them. It was an atmosphere Honoka appreciated and reflected with a wide smile.

“Me too! I’m so excited for this week-long date!”

Eli giggled nervously at the comment, as if shrugging it off somewhat dismissively. “I can’t wait, either. I’m really hoping that we can get to know each other.”

Honoka’s fingers tightened around Eli’s as the plane landed. At the very least, she had her hand to squeeze throughout the entire time. She couldn’t even think about how clammy or sweaty it was being in hers for an hour and a half, but Eli didn’t care nor comment. If anything, she just braved through it like it was everything else. They held hands as the plane slowed down and reached their terminal.

“We have arrived at Kagoshima Airport. The weather is about 27 degrees with high humidity. Thank you for traveling with us!”

Finally, they had arrived, and as they stood up, Maki explained a bit more.

“We need to find a bus to get to Kanoya, where the resort is, but we’re almost there, I promise!”

That was all the relief that Honoka needed; she could feel the heat and humidity, and she was craving to do some swimming already.

She broke her handhold with Eli to get her purse from under the seat in front of her and seatbelt off of her. Once that was all said and done, though, her hand was in Eli’s, and she swore that she wouldn’t release her hand until they reached the resort.


	4. chapter 3: there's only love in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honoka and the rest of µ's spend their first evening at the resort.

The welcome center to the resort was as large and welcoming as the sea, with marble pillars that made it seem like those myths of underwater cities she had to read for her Western Literature class. It was like an Atlantean implant, a palace to introduce those who entered it to a week of pure pleasure; it even had seashell-shaped door handles, ones that Maki took some effort to pull open.

Eli pulled her hand away from Honoka’s and walked in, with Honoka quick to follow suit. Honoka sighed a deep sigh as the air-conditioned air grazed her body, very much welcome after the minutes that they spent in the sun getting out of the parking lot. On one side there was a granite counter with a few people standing on the opposite side in black shirts with a small insignia Honoka couldn’t quite make out from as far as she was, and on the other side there was a set of couches, each of them barren like they were the first to enter. Honoka took a few steps, her sandals smacking the backs of her feet with every step she made. As the rest of µ’s piled in, Maki gave instruction for them to sit down at the couches while she and Tsubasa worked through the reception-related administrivia.

Honoka, naturally, ended up sitting next to Eli. It wasn’t like she was the only couple who did it, either; Nozomi sat with Umi, Kotori with Hanayo, and Nico with Rin, each with varying wideness of smiles on their faces. Honoka gave one back, trying to find the average between them all.

But through that smile, she could feel the fakeness starting to show itself. It wasn’t like that wasn’t a goal--this _was_ pretend, after all--but it was fake in a way that Honoka felt was too obvious. It wasn’t a matter of comfort, either; Eli’s side had felt as comfortable as ever, and Eli’s hand was just as warm in hers as it had always been. That wasn’t the issue.

But what was it? It was there and lingered there, but she didn’t know how to put it into words. The best she could think was that it was fake, like she was emulating the actions of the lovers that she saw. It was clearly fake, but from the glances that she was shot, even from people like Umi and Kotori who really should have known better, they felt like they were playing along. Eli, too, was playing along with her, entertaining the fakeness of their relationship over anything else.

“Hey, Honoka,” Eli said to break the silence, “I didn’t have the chance to ask this on the plane, but what do you think love is like?”

Honoka flushed, and her gaze hit the ground, towards her sandals. Her toes curled against them, and she pursed her lips in thought. If all of this was as fake as she thought of it to be, then what _was_ real love?

“I don’t know, really. I haven’t been in love before…”

“Do you think you know what it’d feel like if you were?”

“It’s one of those things where I’d know, I think. I don’t really know how to explain it. I guess it’s when you feel like you can be yourself with someone and trust them with everything?”

Eli giggled. “I think that’s a good answer, Honoka.”

There was so much that was on Honoka’s tongue, things that she didn’t want to tell her then and there. As much as it contradicted what she said about it all, the warmth of her hands was addicting, and the feeling of her body against hers soothed her in a way that she didn’t even think about before. She wanted to stay like that, suspended in that warmth forever. She wanted to learn more about her, to figure out how much of this performativity she could shed aside and still let it be love. She didn’t know exactly when it happened, or if it was some dumb infatuation that infected her mind and made her think of her so much.

But she wasn’t being herself, and she wasn’t trusting her with those feelings. Could she even call what she was feeling love, by her own definition? She answered her question with a smile, one that kind of hurt to put on, but at the very least, she had an excuse to flash it.

“I’m glad you like it, Eli-chan. I thought your answer was a bit more thoughtful, though.”

“Oh, Honoka,” Eli remarked, “I’ve been through it before, and you’ve said that I’m your first?”

Honoka nodded slightly. “Yeah,” she sighed, her word trailing off into a breath as she tried to hide herself in the crook of Eli’s neck. She wanted to, but she needed to do a quick scan first.

The other couches were paying no mind to them, and focused mainly on one another, Honoka would have assumed. It was the case for Kotori and Hanayo, where Hanayo was on top of Kotori as much as Honoka was on top of Eli. As for Nozomi and Umi, they were both leaning against one another and looking at their phones. Meanwhile, Nico and Rin were playing rock paper scissors against each other to pass the time, with Rin leading in victories by a wide margin the amount that Honoka watched. Maybe there was more to this than she thought, things that she never would have thought outside of being touchy with one another.

But what was she going to do about it? Pretend to make it less pretend? It didn’t even make sense to try that, but the more she thought about the way they presented themselves, the more fake it felt. She didn’t want to think about the nagging suspicion that if she could, Eli would remove her hand from her body just so Honoka could hold onto it while she did things she actually wanted to do. It felt less like love and more like Honoka wanted to hold onto that hand and Eli entertained it for some reason.

“Eli-chan?” Honoka asked.

Eli nodded, letting her know that she had her attention.

She wanted to get the words out, but she didn’t know what words she wanted to say. She wanted to know so much, but words were failing her. It wasn’t that she didn’t know her message; it was one that she felt was haunting her, the mere idea that she didn’t know how much she was even pretending at this point and that she and Eli weren’t on the same page. She just didn’t want to make it awkward, and approaching her question in a way that wasn’t perfect would have made the entirety of their time spent together with a crippling weight on her shoulders. She didn’t want to be seen by her as an infatuated idiot, even if it was clear how much it was getting to her.

“I love you.”

She could hide her declaration underneath the phoniness of it all, but at the very least, letting it out in some way brought some of the weight off of her shoulders. Even if Eli heard it as yet another sweet nothing, one of the many they practiced in phone calls between one another, Honoka knew that it was a sweet something, and just maybe, she could derive some enjoyment out of hearing what Eli had to say, even if it were fake.

To hell with it, it probably was fake, but it didn’t mean that it didn’t sound relieving all the same.

“I love you too, Honoka.”

Her words were too relieving. They shouldn’t have breathed in as much life into her as they did, but they were enough for her to sit up, to smile, to let herself pretend that those words had some weight to them. She knew they were fake even before Eli said them and yet she indulged like Eli indulged in that chocolate parfait. It felt bad, it felt so bad, to abuse their pretend relationship like this, but if it meant that she could hear those words, she didn’t mind. She loved having Eli’s hand in hers, and their embraces, and the way her voice sounded, and she loved the way that Eli said that she loved her.

She just hoped that someday, some time soon, those words were more than a shallow platitude meant to show off that she was Eli’s trophy µ’s center girlfriend. She hoped to hear that with the unyielding faith and trust that Eli was talking about. She hoped one day she wasn’t the girlfriend, Honoka, but Honoka, the girlfriend.

At least Honoka had that bittersweet note to think about as Maki and Tsubasa returned with card keys for all.

“We’re on the fifth floor of Housing A,” Maki stated, walking over to each couch and giving one of the members of each couple a sleeve with two cards in it. Eli took them for her couple’s behalf and slipped them into her jeans pocket. Honoka stood up and grabbed her luggage, making sure that Eli was right behind her, and with the rest of µ’s, they followed Maki out the back entrance of the welcome center, exposing themselves to the lush, welcoming world of the resort.

Sprawling asphalt walking paths interrupted an otherwise-pristine sea of grass. One reached out to the back of the welcome center, where they stood, and shot forward, their road from where they were to the rest of the resort. Maki took her first few steps before pulling out a map that she received from the front counter and continued, leading the rest of the group through the sprawling paths.

On their way, they saw a white and purple concrete monolith lined with windows, a housing building that Maki paid no mind to, and when they turned left after one fork in the road, a large field for sports right next to a building that had the words “Dojo” and “Dance” on it. Honoka turned towards Eli, seeing how her eyes sparkled at the sight of the sign on the building; she hoped that she could see that look in her eyes when she was just with her anytime soon, but she couldn’t be mad about Eli adoring her job enough for it to be her hobby as well. 

“Hey, Umi,” Maki said as they found yet another fork in the road, this one leading far away in the direction that they didn’t take, “if you go down that path, then you’ll find an archery range. I remember you loved doing that back in high school.”

“I’ve lost the time to do it,” Umi replied, “but I appreciate knowing that.”

“You already have a bulls-eye right here, Umicchi,” Nozomi interrupted their conversation, entertaining only herself and Rin, who both started giggling. Even though she couldn’t see Maki’s face, Honoka knew that she was rolling her eyes at her comment. At the very least, she brought a finger to play with her locks.

“There are a lot of things here that you all like, if I recall correctly.” She remarked. “I don’t really remember everything that was listed. I just wanted to get away from everything, you know?”

“I feel that,” Kotori hummed. “So many people in fashion are just so rude and want to walk all over you.”

Hanayo patted her back softly as they continued walking.

“When are we going to get there?” Nico questioned, “my feet are getting tired!”

“You want me to carry you on your back, nya?”

“No thanks, Rin. Please tell me there’s a beach here, Maki.”

“We’re at a resort, Nico,” Maki waved off her comment. “What do you think?”

Thankfully for Nico, as they walked, the sea peered over the horizon, shimmering and pristinely blue, like it was an untouched sea instead of at the edge of a commercial resort. After another fork in the road, and thankfully for her as well, they had approached a sea-green and white concrete monolith shaped like a U, with the path splitting for the twin prongs of the building.

“Here we are!” Maki stated as she stopped, turning around to make sure that everyone was still with her. Thankfully for her, they were lined up in double-file with their girlfriends. “If you have an even-numbered room, then you should take the left path. If you have an odd-numbered room like me and Tsubasa, take the right path.”

Eli pulled out her cards from her pocket, gave them a look, and yanked Honoka to the leftward path. Honoka followed quickly, her hand quick to reciprocate the grip that Eli’s gave hers. Honoka looked over her shoulder, noticing that Kotori and Hanayo had joined them, and as she looked back forward, she made sure to make a detour to Eli’s cheek to place a kiss; the cooing behind them comforted Honoka just as much as Eli’s face reddening slightly.

After plenty of time rolling her suitcase across the path, Honoka retracted her handle and placed it on its side so she could grab the other handle. Once she knew that everyone else, particularly Eli, was ready to climb the stairs, she led them up the four flights of stairs until they were at the fifth floor, where they could see Maki and the rest of the group on the other arm of the building. The only thing that separated them from a painful fall was a concrete banister that went up to their waists, leaving them plenty of opportunities to flash waves and smiles--and in Rin’s case, funny faces--to one another.

Before Honoka could be too invested in what she was doing, Eli pulled her aside towards a door with the number 516. Pulling out one of the cards from the sleeve she received, she pushed it into the door’s lock right underneath the handle, and it flashed green. Giving it the doorknob a twist, she opened the door and pushed forward, holding it open for Honoka, who kicked off her shoes and stepped foot into the room.

“We’re here!” She cried out to the empty room, flicking the switch right next to her. To her other side, there was a door to the bathroom (at least, it would explain the towels and toilet she saw just from peering into it), and ahead of her, there was a small corridor which she took. Once the room opened, there were two queen beds, separated by a small nightstand with complimentary water bottles on top of it. “You’d think Maki-chan would get us a room with one bed in it,” she sighed.

“They probably didn’t have enough of those rooms,” Eli said as she trailed behind Honoka, placing her suitcase next to one of the beds. “It’s probably pretty busy here over the summer.”

“I know,” Honoka sighed, placing her suitcase between the beds as she reached for one of the bottles of water. “Which bed do you want?”

“It doesn’t matter to me, honestly,” Eli remarked. “I’m comfortable sleeping anywhere. Just as long as I brought my night light… Oh, hell, I might have forgotten it.” Eli grabbed her suitcase and plopped it onto one of the beds, unzipping one of the front compartments. The panicked expression once on her face melted away into calmness as she pulled out a small box with a night light in it. “Here it is!”

Honoka smiled, watching as Eli zipped up everything and placed her suitcase on the outside of the bed. “We still need to figure out who’s going to sleep where,” she said plainly, although the smile on her face seemed to be inviting something that Honoka was obviously overthinking about.

“Which bed do you want, Eli-chan?”

“I don’t mind,” Eli shrugged. “Both of them look equally comfortable to me. But, I put my stuff on this one,” she said as she patted the one besides her. “What do you think?”

Honoka shrugged. As much as she wanted to say something about it, she was much more focused on where she, personally, was going to sleep. At least, now, she could think about it between whether or not she wanted to sleep with Eli or not. The beds were definitely of size to hold both of them in one comfortably, maybe a bit too close for Eli’s liking, but comfortably nonetheless. At least, she reckoned that as she laid back into the bed behind her, feeling out the room that was left. She could fit at least two more people snugly onto here if she wanted to.

Sitting back up, though, she returned her attention to Eli, who was sitting on her bed and looking at her. Her question was unanswered, and her gaze was pleading her to answer. It wasn’t a difficult question. Hell, it wasn’t even a question at that point. There was an answer that Eli wanted to hear; she just wasn’t sure what that answer even was. Did she want her to sleep with her or not? It wasn’t like she could just ask that question straight-up, though. If she said no, what would she do about it? Grin and bear it? Would she accidentally let the mask slip for a second and make things awkward? Was she even expecting her to lay down in the same bed with her?

_I don’t know, Eli-chan! Just tell me what you want!_

There was no way that she was going to let those words slip out, but part of her really wanted to. As their gazes kept meeting and glancing away, she tried to figure out what she wanted, as if peering into the so-called windows of the soul would tell her anything if she just sat still. She couldn’t see what she was thinking in those moments where their gazes connected, though, only making it harder for her to figure it out.

Eli’s expression didn’t change as Honoka stood up from the bed and took the half-step between their beds. Sitting on Eli’s bed didn’t change anything, and as she turned to face her, her expression kept the confusion, as if wondering what Honoka was even thinking about. Her hands pressed down onto the bed, just as soft as the one besides her; the only benefit of this bed being that Eli was in it. It wasn’t much, but it was a benefit nonetheless. 

She could only hope that Eli saw her presence as a benefit, but Honoka couldn’t see any change in her reaction. If anything, her cheeks flushed slightly, but it told nothing. It could have been love, or embarrassment, or shame. If only she could get a word out without ruining the scene between them, but maybe it was a scene worth ruining if it meant they knew what was going on.

“I see what you mean about these beds,” Honoka giggled, her comment absolutely stupid coming out of her mouth, but she wanted to start up conversation; maybe through words she could hear what was truly going on in Eli’s mind.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t expect anything less from a resort,” she remarked, her fingers on the hand further from Honoka’s stroking the covers. “They’re really nice, don’t you think?”

Honoka nodded. As she expected from small talk, nothing came from it. Honoka reached further, letting her fingers come close to Eli’s hand, which didn’t move any bit, even as she turned to face her. “They’re really nice, Eli-chan,” she said as she laid down on the bed, not caring about Eli’s gaze at all. She was just testing the beds, and they were equal in every single way, outside of Eli having claimed one of them. It felt so redundant just running the thoughts through her mind, but she had no idea what Eli was thinking, and the gaze that she gave her as she looked at her laying down in her bed didn’t tell her anything that was worth knowing. Her lips weren’t curled in any direction, and they stayed that way as she sat up.

This was too difficult. She stood up and sat down in the bed opposite her. “Considering you’re sleeping there, I guess I’ll take this bed.”

She was used to Eli’s shifty gazes at her from figuring out this problem, and they continued as she accepted Honoka’s answer. “If you want.”

Not that Honoka wanted to. She didn’t want this at all. What she wanted was to know. She wanted to know what was going on in Eli’s mind, and how she would have felt if she didn’t choose this bed. She wanted to know just how much of this was performative and how much of it was Eli truly and genuinely wanting to start a relationship for any other reason outside of trying to be on the same footing as Nozomi and Umi--and the rest of them, but particularly Nozomi and Umi. 

She just wanted to know from Eli if she was fucking with her or not.

“Well, what do you want, Eli-chan?”

With a resigned sigh, she remarked. “I just want you to be happy during this vacation, Honoka. Even if we’re pretending to date, I want you to be happy to spend time with me.”

She did. Oh, she did. She did so much and in ways that would make Umi’s poetry from high school seem mature and composed. She could almost see why she put her effort into releasing these kinds of emotions into her poetry, in some way, for nobody to see but herself.

“I am happy with you, Eli-chan. I really am,” she held back a sniffle as she spoke, trying not to betray her words. “Are you happy being with me, Eli-chan?”

“I enjoy spending time with you, Honoka, and I’m really glad I get to do this with you, out of everyone in µ’s.”

As consoling as Eli’s words were trying to be, she was digging a hole big enough to contain her own feelings towards her with no intention to dig deeper. It was the little words that dug into her more than everything else. Do this? Fake dating? If it were real dating, would it be different at all?

“Hey, Honoka,” Eli said, her words cutting through the tension that tightened her shoulders. “Do you want to explore the resort for a bit while we wait for dinner to start? Maybe we can get to know each other a bit more.”

That sounded like a compromise that Honoka was fine with. Taking a few breaths for the sake of composure, she stood up from her bed and headed towards the door. Eli caught up as she put her shoes on, slipped her hand in hers, and pecked her temple before opening the door.

That kiss relieved her slightly, but it felt like it should have been more relieving.

* * *

The moment that Honoka and Eli left the housing building, they both received a text from Maki in the group chat that started off this entire ordeal.

_Meet with us at the pool at 18:30 for dinner!_

“That gives us an hour or so to walk around,” Eli commented as she slipped her phone back into her jeans. “Shall we get going?” She asked, her hand finding its place in Honoka’s.

“Sure thing!” Honoka said as she led them forward, taking a right at the first fork in the road that they saw. The path winded slightly before finding another fork, this one met with a sign that pointed towards various destinations that the resort had to offer. Honoka took a left, considering the list had many more things to do, and almost immediately, they were greeted with the sight of the beach. A small path of asphalt lead to the sand, one that Honoka and Eli avoided, though; they were just there to explore, and maybe at a later moment they’d spend time at the beach together.

Honoka glanced over at the sight of another of the large, U-shaped housing buildings as they continued down the path, arguably with a better view of the sea than their housing unit had. But she said nothing as they continued down the path, moseying around while watching person after person go by of various shapes and sizes.

The next fork in the road had yet another sign in it, and once more, Honoka read it. As much as Arts and Crafts sounded like it would be fun, especially if Eli found herself some seashells to make earrings out of, what was more important, in her eyes, was knowing where the pool was; after all, it was where they would end up meeting with everyone later on. Thus, they continued down that path, with Honoka’s pace speeding up ever-so slightly as she grew more excited. The pool was so close, and she was excited to see what was there.

As the path turned from asphalt to concrete, the path opened up into a large plaza. To her left, she could see two buildings, one close to the entrance of the plaza, and the other quite a bit further away. The building close to her had the feel of a wooden shack not unlike what she saw in those beach movies one of her friends showed her in college, complete with a sign which simply said _Juice Bar_ over it. With a bit of squinting, she could make out the sign on the other building, a modernist cube which juxtaposed in every way with the juice bar; the _boutique_. 

She was so fixated on the two buildings that she hadn’t even noticed the pool behind her until she finished reading the signs, and her eyes widened in joy at the large rectangle of water. It looked like it could fit two of her university pools in it at once! It was big enough for her to have space to screw around, and for her to have space to actually practice swimming. Across the pool, she saw the changing rooms, styled in very much the same way as the boutique. If only she brought her swimsuit.

“I love it!” Honoka yelled, getting the attention of a few passersby. Eli smiled back at her, giving her hand a soft squeeze. It was time to continue forward.

Between the buildings, there was another path, one that Honoka was quick to take, and almost immediately they were met with yet another fork in the road; one that went forward, to the left, and to the right. A sign stood there, for Honoka to read, and she couldn’t help but intersperse a few glances at Eli when she read it to herself.

_Onsen ahead._

_Stage to the right._

_Special Restaurant to the left._

Like Eli would join her in an onsen or a special restaurant. Maybe she’d do it for a few special events with the rest of µ’s, but that was highly unlikely if it was only for them. She felt like she needed to beg or plead to get Eli to do something like that on their own time, and if she joined her just because of some pleas, then it wasn’t really a date. It was just Eli humoring her.

Of course, Honoka’s thoughts didn’t stop Eli from reading the sign. She smiled, giving a glance back at Honoka after a few seconds of scanning.

“Maybe we can go on a date to the special restaurant later this week.”

Honoka nodded. At the very least, Eli was good at humoring her, even if it didn’t make sense to do so without having anyone around. Maybe they were interpreting the word “special” differently, but given the path that led from the arrow that signified where it was, a small, secluded beachfront restaurant could mean very few things. Maybe love was too much on her mind and it distorted the restaurant to be something it wasn’t. 

Yet. she couldn’t just _pull_ Eli towards it like it and start something. Romance had a way of being endearing only if it were mutual, with all the charm, and then some, being immediately lost if it wasn’t reciprocal. If it meant that it looked like Eli cared, she didn’t mind this performative caring, if it even was that.

Maybe she was just getting caught up in how Eli didn’t call it a practice date.

Regardless of what Eli meant by it, though, Honoka turned to her with a wide smile on her face. “I’d love that!”

That much was true. She would have loved to go on a date with Eli, one that was true and real, and a secluded restaurant with a table for two would be a great time, she hoped, if it weren’t so performative.

Maybe overthinking it wasn’t the best of looks.

“I’ll see what everyone’s schedule is like, and maybe we can find a night to get away to the special restaurant and see what it’s all about.”

Honoka’s smile grew, and she fought back tears. Sniffling, she wrapped her arms around Eli and hugged her tightly. She was so happy that she was at least entertaining the gesture that she extended, and that they could pretend to be something so official that it required more proper dates. It wasn’t like she didn’t enjoy their Tokyo date, but it was very much that of a high school romance (or, at least, a high school quasi-romance; she didn’t want to pressure Eli into thinking that they were official if she didn’t want them to be).

High school was long ago, though; this vacation was for a five-year reunion since Eli graduated, and Honoka was an adult now. They were all adults, having jobs and worries about taxes and bills. Despite it, Honoka couldn’t help but feel like a child about all of this, with her tongue tied about all the things that she could say but didn’t want to. Maybe it was more adult for her to be quiet and not to speak her mind, and the misery of regret was somehow building character.

Somehow it was more adult not to be true to oneself. It was a thought that felt like bullshit as it reeled through her mind, but with a nod, she had to accept it, at least, as much as she needed to to make sure that Eli was happy.

After all, wasn’t that what love was all about?

“I’d really like that! Thank you, Eli-chan!”

Eli’s gaze cast itself upon Honoka, and she pulled away from her side, her eyes tear-stained. Concern filled her face, and she gave Honoka a slightly tighter squeeze.

“Are you okay, Honoka?”

Honoka could feel the word vomit trying to come out, a rush of feelings and emotions all tinged with confusion. She wanted to ask everything more than ever, even if it meant that she had to put her heart on the table. As much as she wanted to try to hide it all, she couldn’t, and a stray thought leaked from her lips.

“Eli-chan…”

It wasn’t much of a thought, to be honest, but rather her way of making sure that she had her attention. She knew that Eli was all ears, but still, her brain stopped her at letting out what she needed to say. Her pride was tearing her apart, and the fractions of composure that she had left were working overtime to make sure that she wasn’t letting out what she needed to.

She hid against Eli’s side and worded it to herself in practice, trying to get it out.

_I really love you, Eli-chan._

After a few fumbled tries, she sobbed against her side. She wasn’t going to get it out at all, not in private. At least in the sphere of publicity, she could say those things that were on her mind and immediately say that it was for the sake of looking like a couple. She was scared of Eli just as much as she loved her, for she knew that there was always the chance that she could throw her words away when they mattered to her most.

None of that mattered, though, as she heard two pairs of flip-flops smacking the ground behind her. She wiped her tears on Eli’s sleeve, glad that she had not worn mascara, and she straightened up with a smile, ready to restart the process that Honoka felt like she could be most true with Eli: playing pretend.

“Hey, Elicchi! Honokacchi!”

The greeting was clearly from Nozomi. She was the last person that she wanted to hear from; it wasn’t that she hated Nozomi as a person--far from it. She found her at the worst moment, at her most vulnerable, at the easiest where Nozomi could read her, and Nozomi made even the most dense of people seem like open books. For a moment, she wished that Eli had that ability so she didn’t have to fight herself to let her emotions be so true.

“Are you okay, Honoka?” Umi’s voice was just as comforting as it had been in high school when she wasn’t yelling at her for daydreaming or focusing on things that weren’t necessary.

“Hi, Umi, Nozomi.” Eli remarked, turning to face them. Honoka joined her in facing them, and she could see the concern in both of their faces growing as they looked at her tear-stained face, like it wasn’t the Honoka that they knew. Emotions were a difficult thing, though, and even as one of the major faces of _Love_ Live, love was new to her, and definitely had changed her. Eli’s arms wrapped tightly around her, trying her best to comfort her.

“Hey, guys,” Honoka sniffled. “Sorry for the tears. I’m just so happy that we’re all here, you know? I missed you guys a lot, and everything’s just kind of coming out right now.”

Emotional distress about seeing through Eli aside, her words rang true. As little as she thought about it originally, she hadn’t realized just how much she felt at home in a strange place with some of her closest friends. Even if they had closed off from themselves a bit, the moments that they had spent made those five years between the third years graduating and now seem so small, but not in a way that seemed like that time had turned. So much had changed, but so little had changed.

It was a justifiable emotional cover for her to use to hide just how much she loved hearing Eli humoring her about going on an actual, not-pretend, adult date. Even if Nozomi could tell that she was lying--she would be surprised if Umi couldn’t tell--she trusted her in making sure she didn’t tell Eli when she wasn’t ready. If it ever happened, she wanted to be the one to propose.

“That’s so cute!” Nozomi replied.

“That’s Honoka for you. Still as thoughtful as always,” Umi added.

“I thought it might have had to do with me asking her out on a date, but…”

Honoka could feel a cold sweat forming on her skin. Looking up, she could see the slightest bit of resignation in Eli’s face, like in trying to hide her thoughts she said something completely wrong.

“If it wasn’t for µ’s, I wouldn’t have met Eli-chan. She would have just been the student council president, but now she’s also my girlfriend.” Honoka tried again, relief crashing through her as Eli’s concern fell from her face and her smile grew. She definitely dodged a bullet there. “It’s so weird knowing how much changes, but how much stays the same.”

Nozomi squinted for a second, but she gave them both a smile. “I feel that. When I first dated Umi, she was a bit uptight, but she’s really grown more relaxed.”

Nozomi’s mouthiness was met with Umi nudging her playfully. “Nozomi’s been really great to be with. I’ve been able to talk to her about my anxieties and she’s been super helpful in making me into a better person.”

Eli giggled. “Welcome to the club, Umi. Nozomi’s good at doing that.”

“Maybe I should talk with Honokacchi sometime, then,” Nozomi remarked. “She seems a bit stressed.”

Stressed was one word that could be used. As much as Nozomi didn’t need to bring it up so early, she was completely right. It was stressful trying to pretend when she wanted to make it so much more than practice.

“Love’s difficult, Nozomi-chan.”

“It really is, Honoka,” Umi interrupted. “I don’t even know when I fell in love with Nozomi, but when I did, it was so weird talking to her. It even felt like that when we became girlfriends. How long have you two been together?”

“We’ve been together a month, Umi,” Eli stated. “We talked a few days after Maki messaged us about this, and we really kicked it off.”

“So you two are still young lovers?” Nozomi cooed. “That’d explain why you two are so touchy. You’ll get more comfortable with each other as girlfriends soon. Don’t worry, Honokacchi.”

It was easy for Nozomi to say when the most surprising part of her dating Umi was that she wasn’t dating Eli. Anyone who saw them in high school would have assumed that Nozomi would have ended up dating Eli instead, maybe even have such good chemistry that they’d get married. Maybe for that reason, she should have taken Nozomi’s words to heart, but it was hard not to worry even with Nozomi’s trust. It wasn’t like she didn’t believe it, but she would feel much more comfortable knowing that Eli was being true with her.

“I’m not as dense as I was in high school, Nozomi!” Eli defended herself. She didn’t know Eli back then, but if she was telling the truth, then she didn’t even want to think about how insanely dense she was.

“You’ll get used to it, Honokacchi, I promise.” Nozomi always had a way of making her teases hold some sort of personal emotional weight, and Honoka could feel it. She smiled, knowing that part of her frustrations were able to be put on Eli’s density. Not all of them, but at least some of them. At least she knew that there was some difficulty in getting all of her feelings out. She wanted to make sure that she had a clear shot, and Nozomi was guaranteeing that it might be hard for her to do. It was the most comforting thing she heard all day.

“I love dense Eli-chan,” Honoka replied, standing slightly taller. “I love every kind of Eli-chan!”

Love didn’t mean that she couldn’t be frustrated at her. She could be both, and she was both. She loved dense Eli because she was Eli, but dense Eli had a problem in not getting the point and, intentionally or not, ignoring the obvious emotional advances that Honoka was giving her. That wasn’t enough for her to hate her, or for her to pull her love away from her--if it even was love and not some early-romance infatuation.

“I love you too, Honoka,” Eli responded, her voice strangely soft like she wanted to prove a point to her and not the two people in front of her. Then, she asked a question to the two of them. “Have you guys found anything that piques your interest?”

“I found a shrine. I’m probably going to spend a good amount of time there, but outside of that, I’m probably going to be out and about.” Nozomi remarked.

“I’m so happy that there’s an archery range here,” Umi remarked. “I’ll probably be spending my time there, in case anyone wants to talk to anyone about anything.”

Honoka was going to talk with her for sure. She was probably going to talk her ear off about things that she didn’t care much about. As long as Umi was telling her that it was alright to talk with her, though, she wasn’t going to deny herself the support. She really needed it, even if Nozomi made it clear that Eli’s difficulty in communicating didn’t mean that she outright hated her and this wasn’t some shitty anime where miscommunication drove the plot.

Just because she didn’t hate her, though, didn’t mean that she didn’t want to hear Eli saying that she loved her with the same intent that she had when she said it. It just meant that it wasn’t an absolutely hopeless struggle. It was probably going to be a struggle all the same.

“I found the pool!” Honoka said, eliciting giggles from the rest of the group. “And the beach! I’m going to be swimming a whole lot!”

“I guess I’ll be at the pool and beach a lot,” Eli remarked, “but I’ll definitely put some time doing some arts and crafts. I’m thinking maybe I’ll make some shell earrings or maybe a necklace.”

“You’re getting back into that?” Nozomi asked.

Eli nodded with a smile. “I came here to relax and be with my girlfriend, so making something to remember this trip by would be nice, don’t you think?”

Honoka added. “Oh yeah! We need to see if they have any stickers at the boutique! They might have some that I don’t have in my collection!”

“We’ll do that soon,” Eli said, “I promise, Honoka. I might see what kinds of things they have there, too.”

“Maybe Umicchi and I will go there and get some matching sweaters!”

“Nozomi,” Umi hummed, trying to hide herself behind her girlfriend.

“Oh, yeah, does anyone have the time?” Eli asked.

Nozomi pulled out her phone. “18:25. Should we meet everyone at the pool?”

Honoka smiled, pulling her hand away from Eli’s and running past Nozomi and Umi both. “Last one there is a rotten egg!”

“Honoka!” Umi called out, but as Honoka turned to see her, Nozomi had already put a hand on her shoulder. Not only that, but Eli was running behind her. Having her girlfriend’s blessing on doing something this ridiculous, they ran towards the pool, excited to see the other members of µ’s, not to mention what kinds of amazing food they must have had.

It would be hopefully enough for her to ignore the emotional turbulence of trying to get to Eli without saying outright that she loved her. Even then, it’d probably be understood as something else.

* * *

The food was just as fantastic as Honoka had expected, but an all-you-can-eat buffet of the highest quality food was almost expected for a place like this. She had to try the boiled pig that the chefs were simply raving about, and it was just as fantastic as she was told it would be. That, alongside a cornucopia of sides and other meats and soups and salads and everything one could ever ask for, sated Honoka completely. Even if everyone was quiet during dinner--oddly so, in her eyes--the food and company was definitely appreciated.

It sated her through the show that Maki brought them to, a little demonstration of some of the things that they had there. It was a welcome ceremony, one that Honoka wasn’t the most interested in, but she kept quiet and let the festivities go on. It was baffling that there wasn’t anything at the end, but it meant one thing: that she could go back to the hotel with her girlfriend in tow.

As Honoka closed the door behind them, she vented.

“I can’t believe there wasn’t a festival after that ceremony! I really thought there was going to be one!”

“Maybe people pour in every day of the week here,” Eli replied as she sauntered to her bed and laid down. “I don’t know about you, but I’m tired!” She let out a yawn, one that Honoka mirrored after a few seconds.

“Me too, Eli-chan.” Honoka said, sitting on the bed that Eli wasn’t lying in. She observed as Eli splayed her limbs all over the bed, as if getting comfortable with the extra room that the mattress provided her. “I think we should get some rest so we can hit the resort in full force tomorrow.”

Eli nodded for a few seconds before pushing herself out of her bed. “If that’s the case, I should probably get my night light and get the water ready for my bath.”

Honoka gripped onto the bed sheets. She hadn’t realized that, in living together and having a bathroom together, there would be the chance that she would see Eli naked, or that Eli would see her naked. She couldn’t help but squirm at the thought; Eli looked flawless and beautiful, and she was, well, she wasn’t ugly by any stretch, but she definitely was no Eli when it came to looks. At the very least, Eli wasn’t making any jokes about bathing together; that would mean she’d have to accept being together with her.

That was, until she looked over her shoulder with a coy smirk.

“Maybe we can bathe together.”

Right; Eli was playing along with that pretend date stuff. There wasn’t any point in thinking too much about it, but a resigned sigh just loud enough for herself to hear vented all the frustration she felt. Even that wink she gave was her being playful, toying her heart along in such a painful way and tossing it aside like her little comment as she headed into the bathroom.

_Click!_

As she expected, Eli locked the door. There was no way she meant it, and she wasn’t going to test it. She didn’t want to make things awkward. Thus, she was stuck with lying on the mattress Eli didn’t call. For now, it was her bed.

Maybe it was on her for making this difficult. She always knew herself to be gung-ho, to do before she thought. It saved her school, but she wasn’t sure if it could save herself. They had gone on what, a date? A date and a half, if she wanted to consider them walking around the resort a date? That was barely the foundation for a relationship outside of pie in the sky dreaming. 

Yet, that was what she believed in. She loved those kinds of pie in the sky dreams, ones where they were unlikely but manageable. It was always easy for her to drop the bits of nuance, too, which made those words always sting so much whenever she said them, even if they weren’t meant to be taken that way. Honoka was a love fool, someone not meant to take this task without hurting herself.

But if it meant that she had to hurt Eli, she’d hurt herself again, and again, and yet again. That was what love was, right? To keep hurting herself to make Eli happy? Wasn’t there a way she could love her without doing this to herself, to toss and turn over every thought in her mind?

She was a love fool. Maybe even just a fool.

Honoka looked over at the empty bed, the memory foam having an imprint of Eli’s torso on it. It felt like her heart; with an impression of her in it, but with her not being there. If she tried to touch it, she’d ruin it, make it less into Eli and more what she wanted Eli to be. She wanted to hear those words. 

She didn’t know when she wanted to hear them with the genuine weight that she gave with her own delivery, or when her delivery even grew to have that weight. She didn’t know when she stopped playing along, and why she did so quickly; maybe it was feelings from high school bubbling up inside of her, with the courage of tackling them head-on now imbued in her. Maybe it was too much for her to demand Eli to play along with her loving her, and if she goaded her, it’d keep that artificiality.

She didn’t know. She just didn’t know. All she could do is let out a deep sigh of resignation as she tried to figure out her own thoughts.

Maybe she was just acting on those impulses that she had back in high school, where everyone harbored a secret crush on Eli.

Maybe she was just happy to be a part of something and to have someone by her side through this vacation.

Maybe she was just happy to hear that someone loved her, even if she didn’t mean it.

Maybe there was much more to this.

No matter what she thought, though, it always started with that word. Maybe. Maybe she was playing this all wrong. Maybe she should stop thinking about the maybes. Maybe, if she let herself free from her thoughts, the love button would be pressed.

Love button. Always, maybe, always, maybe. She hummed to herself one of her songs from back in high school, about the kind of love she felt, the kind of first-blush head-over-heels hardness that immobilized and put a tie in one’s tongue until they knew that their pleas that their love was reciprocal rang true. She couldn’t believe she sang that shit with a smile on her face like it wasn’t the most painful thing on Earth. Even if she felt it towards one of her close friends, there was nothing happy about it. It’s not like Maki even knew about her girlfriend existing when she wrote it, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized how painful a feeling it was, a far cry from how the music presented itself.

Maybe she was humming the wrong song. Maybe she should have hummed _Unbalanced Love_ instead.

Her humming was stopped when she heard the door unlock. Eli stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her body and one holding her hair into a bun, her clothes bundled over one of her arms. She stood straight up, her eyes trying to stay locked with Eli’s. The pensive expression she must have been wearing was gone, trying to hold a smile which spoke absolutely nothing. She wanted to tell her to come close and bring this misery she felt to an end. She wanted to tell her that it was okay to bare all with her, and that she loved her. But those were words she couldn’t let out yet. What would she have thought about it if she heard Honoka telling her to take her towels off or to hug her?

“The bath is ready if you want to get in,” Eli stated.

Honoka stood up from her bed and headed over to the bathroom, making sure not to get too close to Eli.

She could hear Eli sigh as she closed the door behind her. The bathroom was arguably the most neutral place one could have asked for, its walls pure white with white tile underneath her feet, with a white bathtub next to her and a white toilet in front of her. Shucking her clothes off her body, she threw them into one of the pure white cubbies to her other side and stepped into the bath. 

She submerged herself in the hopes that it would quiet her racing thoughts, and to an extent, it did. What helped her particularly was the sight of a small shampoo bottle which she read to herself. Maybe if she couldn’t stop thinking about Eli, reading about all the ingredients in this resort’s travel-sized lemongrass conditioning shampoo would take her mind off things, if not temporarily.

It was kind of hard for her to think about anything else knowing that she was steeping herself in Eli’s bath water, though. It grew harder when the list became a bunch of chemicals that Honoka didn’t know the kanji for two lines in. Maybe it was not her place to look at whatever was in this bottle, but at the very least, she could squirt some of it into her hair and make it look good.

Rolling her head around, she couldn’t help but feel the tension in her body releasing slightly from the warm water. She was glad that Eli enjoyed her baths hot, because Honoka was definitely feeling the warmth seeping into her skin and calming her down. 

Grabbing a bar of soap, she quickly scrubbed herself off of all the grime that covered her. As much as she wanted to relax and enjoy herself in the bath, she couldn’t shake a nagging suspicion that filled her. The more she scrubbed her body, the more she tried to pull those thoughts out of her, hoping it was like the dirt and sweat that made her feel gross physically. She could hope, and as the bar lathered her body with every swipe it made, it relieved her to some extent.

Once she cleaned every bit of her she could reach, she stood up from the bath and slipped out of it, making sure to drain it on the way out. Wrapping a towel around herself, she grabbed her clothes and slipped out of the bathroom, where the sole light that filled the main room was the lighting of the room she was in seeping out.

As she turned the lights off, the only light that filled the room, with the window curtains being closed, was the night light that dimly lit Eli’s half of the sleeping area. Honoka tiptoed, making sure not to disturb Eli from her slumber. Maybe she should have grabbed her pajamas from her suitcase beforehand, but she quietly ducked down between their beds and opened her suitcase, hoping that Eli wouldn’t wake up when she was putting her clothes on. It would have been awkward.

After pulling out some underwear and her pajamas, she slipped into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and shucking the towels into a cubby. Once she was completely dressed, she slipped out of the bathroom and across the sleeping area so she could get into her bed.

Her bed had two pillows. She hugged one of them, wishing that it was Eli, as she fell asleep.


	5. chapter 4: you're safe under the light of ray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over the course of a morning, Honoka talks with µ's and grows confident in being with Eli.

Sleep was never difficult for Honoka. It never had been one for her. If anything, she was more likely to oversleep. It led to her loving the terms in college where she had only afternoon classes. No matter how much she slept, she never woke up past noon.

It surprised her when she woke up and Eli was still asleep. It surprised her further when she reached for her purse and grabbed her phone, showing her the time. It was 7:30 in the morning, far earlier than she would normally wake up. And it wasn’t like her dreams were unpleasant; she couldn’t even say what her dreams were like, but they certainly weren’t nightmarish or even unpleasant. Maybe it was just her missing her old bed and how comfortable it was.

Sitting up in bed, she brought her arms to the sky, pushing her shoulders back as she brought her hands down in front of her. She accompanied her motions with a quiet yawn. She might as well start the new day. As early as it was, Honoka didn’t feel the need to go back to sleep. If she needed to rest later, she would; or she’d go and get some energy drink or canned coffee from the boutique (it didn’t matter what she had, for her time in college had made her desensitized to all flavors of caffeine).

For good measure, though, she looked at the bed beside her and its occupant, her blanket pulled down enough to reveal her bare shoulders. Eli snored quietly, the sound noticeable only if one was listening for it. She was turned away from Honoka, but she could still see the serene expression on her face, in some weird way.

Placing one foot on the ground, followed by the other, Honoka slipped between the beds and pulled out an orange bikini and a matching sundress to wear over it whenever she wasn’t at the pool. With her clothes in tow, she slipped into the bathroom to freshen up and change.

Stepping out, Eli was still asleep, leading Honoka to tiptoe over to her suitcase. She stopped at the foot of Eli’s bed, taking in the sight of that serene smile that she gave as she slept. She was cute when she slept, but there wasn’t a moment where she wasn’t. After a few seconds of silent admiration, she continued her journey towards her suitcase to put her pajamas away.

She didn’t know if the emotion that filled her was gratitude, pleasant surprise, or a mixture of both.

Once her pajamas were put away and she zipped her suitcase back up, Honoka slipped her suitcase underneath her bed and turned towards the door. She could have stuck around, but she wanted to give herself a chance to have some fresh air before her mind started working overtime. She didn’t want to overthink about Eli; not as the first thing her brain did first thing in the morning.

She didn’t think she was discrediting her thoughts towards Eli. She could be in love and have other interests, even if most of them just distracted her from how confusing her ordeal was.

Instead, she could focus on the way that the sun lit up the sky, even if she was cast in the shadow of her housing unit as she stepped outside. The air-conditioning of their room made the early summer air feel warm and humid, but not uncomfortably so. From her height, she could see the beach, the waves lapping up and down the shore; in the evenings, this had to be a fantastic place to observe the sunset. It was a day which welcomed adventure. This was definitely a great day to go swimming, she figured.

“Good morning, Honoka. I’m surprised you’re up this early.”

Honoka had been admiring the world around her, the splendor of the resort she was at, that she didn’t realize that she wasn’t alone, admiring the resort from the open-air hallway. As she turned towards the sound of that voice, she saw Umi, wearing a straw hat and a flowy sky-blue sundress. She wore a reserved smile, one that was as Umi as it could be.

As such, her greeting was as Honoka as it could be: launching herself at Umi with open arms and hugging her with enough force that they almost fell down to the ground. Umi took a step back for balance, as if she was prepared for her welcome, and as she hugged her, she could feel how tightly Umi squeezed her. She always had her ways of making her feel welcome.

“Umi-chan!” Honoka cried out. “Good morning!”

“Honoka,” Umi chided her with a warm smile, “people are sleeping.”

“Oh, sorry!” Honoka repeated her words, this time with a hushed tone of voice.

“Good morning, Honoka,” she said as she pulled away from the embrace. Honoka took a step back, her fingers grazing the bannister. Umi’s fingers idly drummed against the bannister as well, her gaze occasionally flickering towards the sea.

“It sure is pretty out, isn’t it, Umi-chan?”

Umi gave her a nod. “It is. I’d rather watch the sun rising in my room, but Nozomi’s asleep and she wouldn’t be happy with me if I pulled the curtains open.”

“Eli-chan’s sleeping too,” Honoka remarked. “I don’t want to wake her right now.”

Umi’s eyes darted from Honoka to the sea again. Instead of glancing back, she continued looking at the sea, letting out a deep sigh. “Can I ask you something, Honoka?”

“What’s up?”

Umi pushed herself off the banister and turned her entire body to face Honoka. “Are you okay, Honoka?”

Honoka quirked an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, when Nozomi and I saw you yesterday with Eli, you were crying. I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”

Honoka nodded. “I’m fine, Umi-chan. I’m just happy that I get to see everyone again. I never thought I would.”

Umi’s gaze was slightly judgmental, like she didn’t believe everything Honoka was saying. She had reason to believe it, Honoka had to admit, but she continued nevertheless.

“I thought once µ’s came to an end, that we’d all go our own separate ways. I thought that was what we agreed on when we decided to part ways. I thought I’d go to my college, and you to yours, and Kotori-chan to Kotori-chan’s, and that our time together would be over. Wasn’t that what _Bokutachi no Hitotsu no Hikari_ was about, Umi-chan? That we should be able to smile over something because it happened and not lament that it’s over?”

“It was, Honoka,” Umi said, “it really was.”

Honoka blinked the tears that were forming in her eyes away; they were definitely misty at this point, and her words were barely a huff. “My messages, Umi-chan...”

As much as she wanted to wish it away, Kotori, Umi, and everyone in µ’s had become lost in the shuffle of time. Some she stopped talking to as early as her graduation in high school, but it took until her sophomore year of college for school and classes to take up so much of her life that Kotori and Umi were left behind. It was something that she regretted dearly, but she couldn’t find the way to apologize to them via messages for being so bad at messaging them. Some friend she was. Until yesterday, they were drifted to the wayside, something for Honoka to smile about because it happened.

“What was that, Honoka?”

“That’s why I’ve been so quiet with my messages, Umi-chan! I got so busy with school and once we went months without talking to each other, I didn’t know how to rekindle our friendship. I feel really, really bad about it, especially now that I know that you guys have kept in touch so much that everyone’s dating each other! I know that I was behind µ’s, but it doesn’t mean that I feel connected with you guys at all! I’m lost, so lost, and I feel so fake…”

It was at that moment where Honoka had lost her thoughts and succumbed to her tears, once more embracing Umi and sobbing against her, the only words she could let out being apologies of how bad she felt as a friend and how much she regretted leaving everyone behind in her world. If Honoka’s words rang as true as they felt to her, she would have expected Umi to push her away.

“Honoka…” Umi huffed, pulling her away, but not letting go of her shoulders. She wanted Honoka to see the glare that she was giving her, one that pierced straight through her, one that should have terrified her, in some ways. Yet, it didn’t. She knew that Umi meant no harm, but still.

“You idiot! Honoka, I can’t believe you sometimes!”

“Umi-chan, I--”

“I can’t believe you, Honoka! You leave us all worried because you think we don’t _care_ enough to want to talk to you?”

“I, I, Umi-chan, I--” Honoka wanted to disappear. She wanted to push Umi away, but Umi’s grip was tight as she was pulled into a tight embrace, one which Honoka sobbed into, and one which she could feel Umi holding back her own tears.

“Honoka, you know that I will always cherish you as a friend, right? Me, and Kotori, and Eli, and everyone else in µ’s. We all love you a lot, and we’ve missed you dearly. We don’t really get the time to say it, but we’re so glad you’re here.”

“Umi-chan!” Honoka bawled, her comforting words adding to her catharsis. At the very least, now she didn’t feel the need to latch onto Eli to feel like she belonged. In retrospect, it was almost stupid to think that µ’s, the group she led, would turn on her for letting life whisk her away. She had learned a lot about becoming a person, but that didn’t mean that µ’s would forget her.

After all, wasn’t she invited to this vacation?

“I mean it, Honoka. We’ve been worried sick, and we didn’t know how to talk about it, but please, _please_ , Honoka, stay in touch after we’re done with this reunion. You’ll always belong with us.”

“Thank you, Umi-chan.” Honoka whimpered as she pulled away, her eyes red and tear-stained. “I was so scared that you all were just humoring me, and that I needed to cling to Eli-chan to belong.”

This wasn’t Honoka saying that she didn’t want to cling onto Eli, nor that her love felt fake, but she crossed the first major bridge, one that could help her figure out what was going on with Eli. Certainly, there was more going on with her, too. She just couldn’t think of going through this whole vacation without at least _talking_ with everyone else. As much as this vacation was meant to be about Honoka and Eli, it was about µ’s as well.

And who else would be better to join them in Honoka and Umi waiting outside than Kotori and Hanayo?

Honoka hadn’t noticed that either of them were behind them until she pulled away from Umi’s embrace. Her soft huffs led to concern being marked on both of their faces, and as if she wanted to prove Umi’s word, she crashed into them, wrapping one arm around Kotori and the other around Hanayo.

“Kotori-chan! Hanayo-chan!” She let out in another shout, “I missed you!”

“I missed you too, Honoka-chan,” Kotori chirped.

“I missed you, Honoka-chan!” 

Hanayo added, her arms wrapping tightly around her and giving her a soft squeeze, which Kotori mirrored. Honoka pulled both of them in, her smile growing. It had been forever since they did something like this, but she could feel the closeness between them rekindling in their hug. Printemps was music that Honoka only listened to at her most sentimental and emotional, and being back with her subunit members, one in each arm, showed that Umi was completely right: they were always welcoming Honoka back into their lives. Even if she wasn’t a part of their relationship, they could always be friends.

As Kotori and Hanayo pulled away, Honoka looked at both of them, admiring the way that Kotori styled both of them. Kotori’s sundress was a lighter green, almost pale-green, and flowed once it hit her waist and down her knees. Hanayo’s was slightly more revealing and a more earthy green, going down to her mid-thighs and was slightly looser on her. The way their outfits matched and complemented each other was indicative of Kotori’s love of fashion and Hanayo alike.

“How long have you two been together?” Honoka asked.

“Hmm,” Kotori brought a hand to her chin to scratch an imaginary beard, while Hanayo was looking up at the ceiling. “We’ve been together since I graduated from high school, so it must be around four years at this point.”

Hanayo returned her gaze to Honoka and smiled. “Yes. Four years. Remember when Kotori said she had to be right back for something at graduation?”

“Was that what that was about?” Honoka asked.

“Mhm! We’ve been together since then! We were even able to make the day after Hanayo-chan’s graduation into our first anniversary date! It was so fun!”

“It feels like the first day we’ve been together, being here!” Hanayo added, her words stinging Honoka much more than she intended to. It wasn’t like she was trying; she didn’t know about the mess that was between her and Eli, and that they really _weren’t_ dating. If only their relationship was as true and genuine as it looked.

“What about you, Honoka-chan?” Kotori asked, “how long have you been with Eli-chan?”

Honoka smiled. “Oh, yeah! I’ve been with Eli-chan for a few weeks now! We got to talking after Maki-chan made that group chat, and we really hit it off!”

“That’s great!” Hanayo clapped.

“You two look really cute together!” Kotori added.

“You look like a couple!” Hanayo cooed. “You two were so cute at the airport!”

As much as Honoka wanted to refute Hanayo’s words, she didn’t want to start dealing with the implications that she would be bringing up. Thus, she let Hanayo poke the invisible pink elephant in her room, and she had no choice but to play along like it truly was invisible to her.

“Thank you! I love being with Eli-chan! She’s so mature and supportive!”

Eli might not have been mature enough to express her feelings, but neither was Honoka; she was in no space to talk.

Honoka was aware of the next door that opened and the members of µ’s that piled out from the room, this time being Maki and Tsubasa, their hands in tow in one another’s. The only difference in their outfits was the color of their tops; purple for Maki, and green for Tsubasa. Honoka could feel Kotori’s elbow bumping into her side, as if she wanted to make some comment about their clothes, but Honoka welcomed them both with a smile and open arms, as she did for Kotori and Hanayo.

“Maki-chan! Tsubasa-san!” She cried out as she gave both of them squeezing hugs, getting a gasp out of Maki and a reciprocation from Tsubasa.

“Nice to see you again, Honoka-san,” remarked Tsubasa.

“I, uh, I--” Maki said as Honoka pulled away from them both, a hand returning to Tsubasa’s while the other played with her hair. Tsubasa leaned into Maki with a slightly coy smile.

“Not used to people being so friendly with you, Maki-chan?”

“It’s not that,” Maki said. “I guess I should have seen her wanting to do that. It caught me by surprise, that’s all!”

“It’s okay, Maki-chan,” Honoka remarked. “I’ve been hugging everyone today! I want all of µ’s to know that I love them!”

“Ueh?” Maki cried out, wrapping her locks around her finger until her digit couldn’t be seen. Tsubasa chuckled, giving Maki’s hand a slight squeeze.

“As a friend, I’m sure, Maki-chan,” Tsubasa reassured before focusing her gaze on Honoka. “I’m sure Eli-san would be upset if Honoka-san loved any of her friends like she loved her.”

Of course she didn’t love her friends like she loved Eli. Honoka loved Umi, but that didn’t mean that they’d be making out in the moonlight. Well, it wasn’t like she made out with Eli in the moonlight, but if she did, she’d be welcome to it. Honoka thought Kotori was cute, but cute meant that she looked great in whatever she wanted to wear, and she was very huggable; it was a far cry from Eli, who was also cute, but in a way that made her want to send her valentines where even Umi would be impressed by its quality in both calligraphy and wordcraft. She loved Rin, but wasn’t going to be physical with her in the same way she would be with Eli. She could go on, but she made her point to herself clear.

And to make it clear to Maki, she nodded, agreeing with Tsubasa’s sentiments. She’d be upset if she loved anyone like she loved Eli; at the very least, she wasn’t scared in the same way of ruining their relationship.

“Where is Eli-chan, by the way?” Kotori asked.

“She’s still sleeping. I didn’t want to wake her up,” Honoka remarked.

“Nozomi’s still sleeping as well,” Umi added before anyone could ask her that question.

“And what about Nico and Rin?” Maki asked.

“Knowing them, they’re probably still asleep.”

Nobody knew exactly when Nozomi let herself into the conversation, but there she was, standing behind Maki and Tsubasa. That was, until she saw Umi and when she did, she bounded towards her girlfriend and wrapped her arms around her. “Umicchi! Good morning!”

Before Umi had a chance to respond, Nozomi gave her a peck. Umi stuttered and looked towards the ground, her cheeks flushing pink. “Morning, Nozomi.”

Nozomi looked towards everyone else and gave a friendly wave. “Morning, everyone!”

“Morning,” everyone else replied, mumbling over one another.

Honoka hadn’t even noticed that Nozomi had shifted her gaze to her in particular until she spoke again. “Elicchi’s still sleeping, I presume?”

“I think so. When I woke up, she was knocked out. I didn’t want to wake her.”

Nozomi giggled. “You know her well. Never interrupt her beauty sleep, Honokacchi. From her closest friend to her lover; I think you should know that.”

Honoka didn’t know if Nozomi’s wink was playful because she was giving sound advice about her girlfriend, or if she could see through the facade so well. Once again, she was put in a spot where she couldn’t comment on it without making things more chaotic and awkward.

Nico and Rin came out at the same time, both of them wearing shirts and skirts; Nico wore pink, and Rin light blue. Nico was rubbing her eyes while Rin seemed like she was ready to bounce off the walls. Like there was ever a moment where Rin didn’t want to do that, but Honoka was surprised that Rin still had that boundless energy after high school. Did college really not drain her in the same way?

“Good morning, everynyan! Gosh, I thought you guys went to breakfast!” Rin greeted the group. “I woke up Nico-chan because I was so scared that we would need to run to meet up with you!”

“Rin,” Nico remarked, “considering that everyone’s still here, please never wake me up this early again this week, okay?”

“Sorry, Nico-chan!” Rin cried. “I just wanted to make sure I could eat with all my friends!”

“It doesn’t even look like everyone’s here,” Nico commented as she scanned the room. “Where’s your girlfriend, Honoka?”

“I think she’s still sleeping. Do you want me to check on her?”

“Please,” Nico said. “I thought we were going to have a coffee machine in our suite, and I’m going to die if I don’t get something in me soon.”

“Okay!” As she spoke, she pivoted on her heel and headed towards her room. Pulling her card key from her purse, she slipped it into her door and opened it, pulling the heavy slab of metal and stepping into her room. A burst of cool air hit her face, and she sighed, whispering that she was back with the thought that Eli was still sleeping.

She was not sleeping. She was putting her shirt on.

It wasn’t like she was peeking on her while she was completely naked; she was wearing jean shorts and she could clearly see her bra strap. She was facing away from her, and maybe she didn’t even realize that Honoka was in there with her; that might have been the case had it not been for her looking over her shoulder with a wide smile.

“Good morning, Honoka! I was worried you left without me.”

“Why would I do that, Eli-chan?” Honoka asked playfully. “I just needed a bit of fresh air. It’s really pretty outside!”

“Is everyone else waiting for me?”

“Mhm, but it’s no big deal, Eli-chan. I promise.”

Eli brought her hands to her hips as she tugged her shirt down, performing a half-turn so she faced her more directly. “Do I at least look nice?”

“You always look nice, Eli-chan!” She said, not even needing to admire how good a color black was on her for her to make that comment, “and I’m sure Kotori-chan won’t yell at you for looking bad.”

Eli chuckled. “Thank you,” she said as she closed the distance between herself and Honoka, looping an arm around one of hers the moment she could. Honoka’s fingers found their place resting against Eli’s hand, and she pulled herself into her side, letting Eli take the lead outside of their room so they could greet everyone.

“Look who I found!” Honoka called out to the group as they left their room, even though Eli was clearly in front of her. Everyone smiled. Rin cheered. Nozomi clapped her hands.

“Sorry I took so long,” Eli said. “I didn’t realize we were doing breakfast together. I’m glad you didn’t leave without me.”

Nico squinted. “Why would we do that?”

“I don’t know,” Eli remarked. “I thought maybe you were growing impatient waiting for me and left.”

“Eli-chan,” Kotori piped up, “this is a µ’s vacation. You know we wouldn’t do that to you, right?”

“I’m sure they wouldn’t even leave me behind,” Tsubasa added, “and I’m not even a part of µ’s.”

“Now that we have everyone, shall we head over?” Maki asked.

“Let’s go!” Rin cried out, tugging on Nico’s hand as she ran towards the stairs. “Same restaurant as last night’s dinner, Maki-chan?”

“Rin!” Maki called out as she headed towards her, “wait for us!”

The rest of the group followed in Maki’s footsteps, couples standing hand in hand. There might have been a bit of intermingling between the groups, but they all tethered themselves by their hands, as if reinforcing to one another that they were together.

Honoka and Eli walked further back from the pack, not far enough for anyone to notice, but far enough for them to be alone. If Honoka had her say, she would have been intermingling with the other couples, but Eli felt content on being a bit behind.

She gave Honoka’s hand a worried squeeze, one that was enough to pique her attention towards her.

“Honoka,” Eli mumbled. “I’m worried.”

“What are you worried about, Eli-chan?”

Eli focused on the group for a few seconds, her pace slowing for the time she looked forward. Once she looked back at Honoka, though, her pace resumed.

“Things.”

Things could mean a lot of different things, but Honoka had a guess as to what she thought Eli was talking about.

“Don’t worry, Eli-chan. You’re still a member of µ’s, like me. Even if you haven’t kept in touch with Nozomi-chan or Nico-chan or anyone, that doesn’t mean that you don’t belong here with us.”

“It’s not that,” Eli replied. “Although I really appreciate it, I’m worried about other things.”

“What would those things be, Eli-chan?” Honoka asked again. “I promise I won’t tell anyone!”

Eli looked away from her, her pace slackening a bit. She looked away from her, as if Honoka would suddenly disappear if she looked away for long enough. She mumbled, but what Honoka could hear was “I don’t know.”

“What was that, Eli-chan?”

“I don’t know, Honoka. I really wish I did. I wish I could tell you what’s bothering me, but I really don’t know. It’s probably a lot of things all mixed together in a way that makes it hard to figure out what’s what.”

“I feel that,” Honoka replied. “I’ve been feeling that this week, too.”

“How come?” Eli asked.

Her answer, at the very least, she had somewhat compartmentalized. She knew that a majority of her worries related to Eli directly, especially now that she knew that the rest of µ’s didn’t feel like her existence was a liability, and whatever drama that could have been from dropping her closest high school friends was nipped in the bud before they could become major issues. It left her just to worry about Eli.

“It’s a mix of things, you know?”

Eli nodded. “Right.”

“Hey, Eli-chan,” Honoka mumbled, slowing down just enough to know that her words weren’t in earshot of anyone else.

“What’s up?”

It took a few moments for her to collect the courage to speak her mind, and once she did, she felt bad, worried that her words sounded more hurtful coming out of her lips than they did in her mind.

The truth had the tendency to hurt, though.

“Are you enjoying this?”

Eli squeezed her hand in shock. “Of course I’m enjoying myself, Honoka!”

Honoka smiled. “I just wanted to make sure. It was just that you were knocked out before I could say goodnight, and I was worried you wanted to fall asleep before I could do anything cheesy.”

Eli frowned, pulling Honoka closer towards the group. She didn’t pull her close enough that they were part of the group, but rather close enough that if anyone looked over their shoulder, they wouldn’t see just how far away they fell. Honoka didn’t realize that until Eli returned to her pace; she thought, for the briefest of moments, that Eli wanted to end the conversation right there.

“I’m really sorry about that. I was really tired and I wanted to get used to my new bed. They’re incredibly comfortable, don’t you think?”

Honoka nodded, her thumb grazing over the back of Eli’s hand. Her pace grew slightly faster, her smile quivering. “Say, Eli-chan, can you stay up until I go to bed so I can have a goodnight kiss?”

“Of course,” Eli remarked, a coy grin forming on her lips. “Do you want one now to make up for last night?”

Honoka’s cheeks flushed, her thumb continuing to play with the back of her hand as she turned to face her. Tilting her head and closing her eyes, she prepared for Eli’s kiss.

Even without the taste of chocolate, Eli’s lips were addicting; even if the kiss was fleeting, Honoka was hooked. It was almost cruel how little time their lips spent together, but Honoka didn’t complain.

Instead, Nico did; she must have heard the way their lips smacked against one another. Once Honoka pulled away and looked around, she saw the pool to her right; they were already at their breakfast spot.

“Get a room, you two.”

“We do, Nico-chan,” Honoka remarked.

“That’s not what I meant!”

“We might use it later today,” Eli remarked to Nico, giving her a playful wink. As much as Honoka knew she was teasing, she wished Eli wasn’t.

For now, the most skin Honoka saw was Eli’s back.

* * *

Breakfast was a quick and oddly quiet affair, one where everyone focused more on their food over anything else. Maybe everyone wasn’t used to being in huge groups for breakfast, but it baffled Honoka that there wasn’t even talk amongst couples for anything. Maybe she was spoiled by Yukiho, who would lend an ear to talk about anything with her (whether she wanted to or not). It must have been that which was the impetus for her breaking the silence.

“So, what’s everyone planning on doing today?”

“I’m taking Nico-chan to the field for field sports today! I heard that we’re doing football today! I’m so excited, nya!”

“I’m going to be so exhausted,” Nico whined. “We’re going to the beach tomorrow, Rin.”

“Hanayo-chan and I are going to the arts and crafts area to see what they have,” Kotori chirped. “Maybe I can make some ribbons, and maybe a crown!”

“They should have origami paper there,” Hanayo added.

“I’ll spend my time at the archery range. Maybe later I’ll go to the shrine with Nozomi and help her out.” Umi replied.

Nozomi giggled. “I’m gonna watch Umicchi shoot some arrows, maybe learn a thing or two from her, and then go to the shrine and teach Umi how to manage a shrine.”

“I think there’s a room somewhere near the stage where there’s a piano,” Maki said. “I’ll probably do some songwriting with Tsubasa.”

“You came all the way here to write music? Kind of pointless if you ask me,” Nico remarked.

“Nico, you asked if you could have some vocal coaching from us.” Tsubasa stated before Maki could say what she said in a much more accusatory tone.

“Those all sound so awesome!” Honoka said. “I’m probably just gonna swim all day.”

“I guess I’ll be joining Honoka at the pool,” Eli remarked. “Good thing I’m wearing my swimsuit under this.”

“You too, Eli-chan?” Honoka questioned, a smile wide on her face. “Gods, I’m so excited to go swimming now!”

“When does the pool open?” Kotori asked.

“I think it opens at noon,” Eli remarked. “Until then, though, I know that Honoka and I can find things to do. What do you think?” She asked, nudging Honoka with her elbow.

“If we have to wait, I guess we’ll wait. Maybe we’ll join you for some arts and crafts, Kotori-chan!”

“Wait,” Eli remarked. “If we do that, we should head to the beach and see if I can find any seashells for you.”

“Seashells?” Nico asked. “You have a collection?”

Eli waved her off. “No, Nico. I make jewelry in my free time, and I want to make something for Honoka as a keepsake for this vacation. Something to remember this by.”

By _this_ , Honoka could only hope that she meant the vacation and the resort itself, not her time spent with Eli. That necessarily didn’t ever need to end if Eli didn’t want it to. Honoka knew she didn’t want it to end; she was nagging herself about it endlessly, but that was one thing love did. It had a tendency to reinforce itself in the mind.

“That sounds like a lot of fun!” Honoka said. “Maybe we can go swimming at the beach! That could be fun too!”

“If the water isn’t freezing, I might join you,” Eli remarked. “I’ll need to get some shells, though.”

“I’ll remind you, Eli-chan!” Honoka said as she stood up, pushing her chair in. “I’m ready whenever you are!”

Eli smiled, standing up besides Honoka, loading her hands with her dishes. “I guess I’ll see you guys later!”

“Bye, everyone!” Honoka called out as she grabbed her dishes, turned on her heel, and headed towards the dish return. Once their dishes were placed on the conveyor, Honoka put her hand in Eli’s and led her towards the beach, ready to start their day.

* * *

As they headed to the beach, Honoka couldn’t help but admire how lively the resort felt. With every few steps that they took, they found another couple, or on occasion, a small family; everyone was heading the opposite way as they were, probably readying themselves for the day with some hearty breakfast similar to what she and Eli had.

She told herself that she wouldn’t worry about it at all, but the more that she looked at the couples, the more she could see herself in them. The conversations that they were having about nothing, the laughing, the way they held their hands and walked toe to toe; the only difference between herself and the other couples was that Eli was a girlfriend, and not a boyfriend, and in the long scheme of things, that didn’t matter at all.

Once they were able to deviate from the path and step onto the beach, Honoka had realized just how early she had woken up and had breakfast. Unlike the path leading towards the restaurant, the beach was completely barren, perfect for beach combing and idling. Honoka’s sandals dug into the sand, her smile growing at the familiar feeling of it getting between her toes. Between that and the way that the waves lapped at the beach, she could feel her excitement mounting. Regardless, she stayed calm, trying her best not to kick her sandals off and shuck her sundress aside as she walked towards the sea.

It was for the better; as waves replaced sand between her toes, Honoka wanted to scream at first. Early summer mornings led to cold seawater, and as much as she would have loved to, she thought she was going to freeze before she could figure out what stroke she wanted to do. As gently as she walked forward, she stepped back, the sea breeze kissing her goosebump-covered skin in the process. Sadly, swimming was out for now.

Thus, Honoka turned her attention to Eli, who was idly walking up and down the beach, her eyes pointing at the floor. If she didn’t know that she was looking for shells, Honoka would have stepped up to her and asked if she was okay. She wasn’t used to her looking down, and the slight slouch of her shoulders was so jarring from someone whose posture was what it was in high school.

There was something so oddly vulnerable, though, about the way that Eli walked. It was a far cry from how she presented herself back then, with a pride that seemed to radiate with every step that she made. Even if she wasn’t the school council president back then, she could have easily confused her as such. But that was then; now, there Eli was, slouching slightly, her head seemingly heavy on her shoulders as she stared down. She might have been overthinking it slightly, but it wasn’t the poise of the Eli she knew.

Even if she wasn’t going to ask if she was okay, Honoka closed the distance between them, looking down at the ground to see if there was anything in front of them. She could feel herself slouching a bit as she observed the sand, her shoulders lurching forward as her posture matched Eli’s.

She wanted to laugh herself off, but as she grew closer, she could see that Eli’s expression was not focused on the sand. As directed as it was towards the sand, she knew that she wasn’t looking at it. She was looking far off into the distance, daydreaming about something. Honoka knew that expression from her days in high school; she just never thought that she would see someone like Eli pulling it off so well. What was she even thinking about?

With a nudge, Honoka brought Eli back to her senses.

“Ah!” Eli stood up straight like someone was pulling a string at the top of her head, striking a defensive pose.

“Found anything yet, Eli-chan?”

Once she realized who had woken her from her daydream, Eli gave a smile. It looked slightly forced to her, but it was a smile nonetheless. “No, not yet. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, Eli-chan!” Honoka reassured her. “Maybe this part of the beach just doesn’t have many shells. You know how many people come to this resort?” Honoka grabbed her hand, hoping that it would further bring her back to reality, and she pulled herself closer to her, making sure that their gazes were meeting with one another. “I think you’d have better luck looking near the waves. They wash ashore, you know?”

“I guess you’re right,” Eli remarked, not having much of a chance to say much further as she was tugged towards the water. Once their sandals were lapped by the tide, Honoka squatted down, patting the sand besides her for Eli to sit down besides her.

“The water’s pretty cold,” Honoka said, “but I bet we can find some amazing shells over here!”

The water was still cold as she put her hand into it, but at least she knew that she wasn’t going to put any more of herself into the water as she swirled it around with her fingers. Her fingers tested the shore, wondering if there were any lucky shells that she could find; she wasn’t putting her focus quite yet into the water, not until Eli was squatting besides her and helping her find shells. After all, it was her idea, and Honoka wanted to see it to that end, and not whatever Eli could have been thinking about.

Soon, Eli was right next to her, her hands in the cool water, and once she knew that Eli was busying herself with the water and finding shells, Honoka joined her in earnest, diverting her attention from her and focusing on the shore and whatever shells, if any, ended up washing up on the beach. Even if there wasn’t anything quite yet, she could at least busy herself with conversation.

Her fingers grazed over the sand, uninterrupted by any shells.

“Hey, Eli-chan,” Honoka idly asked, “how’s the studio?”

Eli turned her head to face Honoka. “The studio’s doing pretty well. It’s enough to keep me and my friends afloat,” she said.

“What kinds of things do you teach there?” Honoka asked. “I’ve always admired how you dance, and I’ve been thinking of maybe picking up dance as a way to stay fit.” Considering that going to Eli’s studio would have given her more time, time after this vacation ended, if she never picked up the hint, to compose herself and say what was truly on her mind, dance was much more than just a recreational activity.

“I was never much of a ballet dancer. Well, I was, but, well, you know,” she remarked, not wanting to go back on her history of failed auditions. “Most of the stuff that I teach, personally, is more modern. Jazz dancing, contemporary, ballroom, and some of the elementary hip-hop dancing. That one’s growing really popular. Oh yeah! I also teach idol dancing, but that’s usually for people who have groups already.”

“That’s amazing!” Honoka said, not understanding half of what she said. “I’m not really sure what I’d want to do, though. What do you recommend?”

“I’d say idol dancing, but I feel like I’d have you demonstrating instead of actually dancing. Maybe I could pay you for that,” Eli remarked, the smile on her face growing a bit more.

“I’m not sure I’d be good at demonstrating. I haven’t danced in forever! I’ve probably grown a second left foot!” Honoka laughed nervously, a slight flush forming in her cheeks.

“Well, maybe I can give you a few private lessons myself. On the house.”

“You wouldn’t!” Honoka gasped.

“I totally would,” Eli remarked. “As long as I’m doing my fair share in the studio, they’re fine with it. And usually, because of the idol lessons, I make enough money to keep it afloat. Those pay so much.”

“Of course they do, Eli-chan! They’re getting dance lessons from the choreographer of µ’s herself!”

“You think that people would make the connection as quickly as you do, Honoka,” Eli sighed, “but they don’t. There was one time where someone came into my classes, though. She had black hair, square fringe, and these piercing green eyes. The moment she saw me, she wouldn’t get her arms off of me until I gave her a signature, and even then, I needed my friends to help me with her.” Eli laughed, and Honoka laughed in kind; even if it was funnier if she were there, she could only imagine how much a fan of Eli would love being at her dance studio. “She still comes to my lessons, so I’ll need to make sure that you don’t end up in the crossfire with her. I think she wouldn’t mind, though.”

“I hope not!” Honoka remarked, “but I’m sure if someone knows you so much, they’ll be familiar with me.”

“Yeah,” Eli chuckled, “she was screaming ‘ _oh my god! Are you Ayase Eli of µ’s!?_ The _Ayase Eli of µ’s!?_ If she’s familiar with me, then she probably knows you too. If you two end up in the same lesson, I’ll tell you ahead of time so you can bring a marker to give her a signature. She’s a good student.”

“I’m glad to hear,” Honoka concluded. “I haven’t been called out about being in µ’s for a few years. Some of my friends in college talked to me because of it, but most of them stopped after a few weeks. I think they realized that I’m not as legendary as they think I am in person. It’s like being an idol is a stage thing, you know? They love the Honoka on stage, but not the Honoka on campus.”

“I’m not sure if I’d like that more than having a few rabid fans, to be honest,” Eli said. “I will say that it’s nice not having to wear sunglasses and a mask in order to go anywhere, but frustrating that no talent agencies have asked me to work choreography with them. My work with µ’s is still a central part of my portfolio.”

“I feel that,” Honoka replied. “I’m surprised that there have been agencies that rejected my letters. Like, this is Kousaka Honoka, the center of µ’s, wanting to work with idols! It’s like the world wants me to work at the sweets shop. I don’t mind it, but Yukiho was planning on going into business already, and she could run that place so much better than I could dream of. It’s a job for when I can’t do anything else.”

“It’s hard finding work,” Eli reassured. “I had to make a studio with some of my friends.”

After a few seconds, Eli’s smile grew, and grew, and she quivered slightly before letting out a fit of laughter. Her hands left the water, fingers flinging sand backwards as she rolled onto her back, laughs effortlessly flowing out from her lips. It wasn’t the funniest thing in the world, but it was nice to see her laughing, smiling, with her crying from joy.

It didn’t help that her laughter was contagious. As much as Honoka hadn’t expected to start laughing besides her, she eventually caved in, pulling her hands out of the water and bringing them to her gut as she sat down, trying her best to control her laughter. Even if it was ridiculous, it was still something that she’d remember fondly: the first time she and Eli laughed over nothing. It would be a moment that she’d treasure dearly, maybe a bit too dearly for her to discuss with Eli about later, but dearly nevertheless.

It took a bit for their laughter to get out of their systems. The first time that Honoka felt her laughter dying out, Eli succumbed to a rougher fit, one that brought the energy back up and renewed the contagious cycle. That fit probably would have been the last one for Eli, but Honoka’s laughter stopped her from stopping. It was a dumb cycle, and maybe they were laughing about how ridiculous their laughing was, but it was laughter all the same--time well-spent with someone dear to her.

After a few minutes of laughing, they were able to get out of their mess together, their eyes stained with tears and their bodies still heaving from laughter even if the noises had died off. Honoka started panting after a few seconds, getting in the breath she needed after however long their laughing was, and soon, Eli was besides her, in the sand, wiping whatever she could off her shirt in an attempt to look better.

“Gods,” Eli huffed, “I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.”

“Me neither,” Honoka remarked, stifling a giggle; she didn’t want this to continue, no matter how much she wanted this moment to never end.

“Don’t worry about work, though, Honoka,” Eli stated in an attempt to bring their conversation back to its original topic before it segued into whatever just happened. “You’ll find a way. I don’t need to tell you that if you believe hard enough for what you want, you’ll get it. After all, you led us to #1 in our first Love Live!”

“I guess so,” Honoka said, bringing herself back to her feet, returning her focus to the water and the sand in front of her, as well as the shell that her fingertips glossed against. Her eyes widened, taking her entire focus away from the conversation as she brought both of her hands into the water to extract the shell. It probably looked ridiculous, but Honoka didn’t care: she finally found a shell. Pearly white, smooth to the touch, a conical conch that was once the home to something transcendent. Honoka’s finger gently ran up and down the shell as she placed it in her palm, making sure not to break it; it was about the size of a portion of her finger, perfect for an earring or a necklace, and Eli stared at it like she was trying to break it with her gaze alone.

“That’s beautiful!”

“Isn’t it?”

“That’d be perfect for a necklace. Maybe if we can find a few more like it, we can make some earrings, or matching necklaces! It’d be the perfect souvenir, don’t you think?”

“I’d love it!” Honoka said, looking into the shell to see if there was anything living in it. It was a vacant home, one that wouldn’t mind being a part of a necklace as much as Honoka wouldn’t mind having Eli in her arms. At the very least, her desires to have matching jewelry weren’t flukes. “Let’s keep looking!”

The first shell was the most difficult and elusive one to find. Maybe it was because of the change of the tides, or the waves washing away the sand, or something that she forgot about in her geology gen-ed class, but after finding that first shell, Honoka and Eli were able to find a few more that looked just like it, until they had enough to make their earrings and then some in case any of them were accidentally broken due to clumsiness.

Once laid on the sand, Eli cupped them into her hands and stood up. “I think we’re good for now,” she stated. Honoka stood up, her smile wide. Even if her hands weren’t going to be in Eli’s, she didn’t mind that at all; the shells, to be symbols of their budding relationship, were in her hands. Thus, she wrapped her arm around one of Eli’s, kicking some sand onto the pathway as they headed off.

“You know, Honoka,” Eli said idly as she brought herself closer to her. “I haven’t enjoyed myself like that in a long time. Thank you so much.”

“Don’t mention it, Eli-chan!” Honoka replied, her lips curling into a wide smile. “That was so much fun!”

“I’m wondering if I should head over to the arts and crafts place after lunch so I can start making those earrings I was talking about. Yet again, I’m already wearing my swimsuit, so--”

“So you’ll join me at the pool!?” Honoka turned to face her as much as she could, bouncing her weight from one foot to the other. Being at the pool would have been fun enough had she gone by herself, but having Eli, someone to screw around with, would make her time so much more worth it, even if she knew that she wouldn’t do any swimming.

“I guess so,” Eli remarked, tilting her head and giving Honoka a smile, one that she would have charged into her for had it not been for the shells in her hand. Instead, she fist-bumped the air.

“Yay!” Honoka cheered. “I think the pool opens for open swimming after lunch, so it’ll be perfect timing!”

“That sounds perfect,” Eli concluded, “absolutely phenomenal.”

As much as they could have continued the conversation with their arms linked, they had finally reached their housing unit, and she broke their link, letting Eli take the lead up the staircase. She looked down at the stairs as she took them, up the white concrete blocks. She could look from side to side and see the white walls that surrounded them, or she could look upward at a rather unflattering and almost predatory angle of her girlfriend. Maybe she should have taken the lead, but as they climbed their stairs, Honoka counted the windows until they were at the top. 

Once they arrived, Honoka pulled her card out of her purse and unlocked the door, letting Eli into their hotel room first.

“We’re home!”

They weren’t expecting a voice to reply to them, but it was standard protocol to call out, just in case they found a maid that was cleaning their room or something of the sort. Honoka flicked the lights on and kicked her sandals off, gliding her feet against the floor as she followed Eli to the beds, and particularly, the nightstand that stood between them. Yanking one of the drawers open, she gently placed the shells down before closing it shut.

“I should probably make a note about this somewhere,” Eli commented idly. “I might lose these if I keep them in here.”

“You’ll forget.”

“This mind isn’t as sharp as it was in high school, Honoka,” Eli remarked, huffing slightly. “Anyway,” she said as she turned towards her. “You want to go get some food?”

* * *

_I haven’t enjoyed myself like that in a long time._

It was a quote that shouldn’t have lingered in Honoka’s mind the way that it did. Even when she told herself that she wasn’t going to overthink anything, whether it be the words that she said or anything that Eli was doing, she said that she wasn’t going to overthink.

Yet, those words made her think twice about those ideas. She wanted to know what she meant by what she said. Even among all of the ambiguities that she spoke with, this was one which was particularly baffling to her.

It wasn’t like she could bring it up either. Not at lunch, not when they were enjoying seafood tempura, with nobody else around. It was probably a better time than a dinner where everyone was together, and whatever parts of their relationship were facades would break away, possibly ruining the whole thing for good. Her chopsticks idly dipped into her soy sauce, trying her best to keep her gaze on Eli while she dazed off, thinking about those words and what they could have possibly meant.

“Honoka,” Eli asked, “Are you okay?”

Her question was enough for her to sit up straight, her chopsticks leaving her dipping platter. “I’m fine!” She was caught thinking too much, but given Eli’s smile and her non-judgmental gaze, she didn’t seem to mind too much.

“It looked like you were deep in thought. I thought we were here to forget about life for a bit.”

That was hard to do when the one thing she was thinking about was the part of her life that evolved throughout this vacation. “Sorry, sorry!”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Eli reassured as she grabbed a carrot off her plate. “I’m just worried about you sometimes. I don’t know why, though.”

“I mean, we’re friends, right?” She didn’t want to pressure Eli into progressing further into their relationship; as much as she wanted to call her her girlfriend right then and there, she feared what would have happened if she said it and Eli didn’t agree. How would something like that even play out? She grabbed a piece of broccoli off her plate and brought it to her dipping sauce, hoping that its bitter taste would help her forget how much thought she put into every word she had to say.

“Yeah,” Eli huffed. She did a double-take around the restaurant, leading Honoka to scan as well. It was how it always was: trays of food on endless counters in one direction, tables all over the other side of the restaurant, with a door at the very end of the tables. Some of the tables were filled, but nobody was there that she recognized.

Eli had finished scanning before Honoka, and once she saw that Eli was staring at her, she stopped looking. Eli leaned forward, pressing her arms against the table and bringing herself as forward as she could, as if she wanted to tell her a secret. Honoka leaned forward.

“You’re doing really well as my fake date. I would have been confused for you being my actual date.”

Honoka sat back in her chair, trying her best not to immediately straighten up like she had been caught red-handed. Heat crawled up her back, and she knew that she was blushing furiously at her statement, but how could she not? It was the elephant in the room that she spent all of her time trying to avoid, and Eli talked about it so casually, like it was nothing. At least it let Honoka know what Eli actually thought of her.

“You think so? Well, I’ve been working hard trying to look like a girlfriend.”

It was a bullshit excuse, but she was trying to get over what she said. It sounded like a rejection, but she couldn’t be so sure.

“I really appreciate it, Honoka. I thought you wouldn’t take this idea seriously, but I’m surprised at how well you’re pulling it off.”

Honoka smiled, tilting her head. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

Eli nodded. “Indeed. I just want to thank you for this. I’ve had more fun than I thought I would already.”

“Same here!” Even if the constant overthinking and figuring out what was on Eli’s mind was not fun, the moments that they spent together she would treasure like her heart was a jewelry box and their time together her earrings and necklace. Even if they all amounted to nothing in the end, they were still moments that Honoka would remember fondly, even if instead of Eli she remembered them with a pillow in her arms. “I’ve had a lot of fun! Thank you so much for this, Eli-chan!”

Maybe thanking her was not something that she should have been doing, but what else could she do? She wanted to make sure that Eli was enjoying herself, even if it wasn’t in the romance way that Honoka was enjoying herself. Maybe it could have been, but her words pointed elsewhere, towards her thoughts being just her own.

“I should be thanking you, Honoka.”

“How’s your food?” Honoka asked, out of the blue. She wanted to change the topic of conversation so much, and she finally had the opportunity.

“It’s good,” Eli remarked. “I’ve always been a fan of tempura. I never have it at home, so it’s always a treat to have,” she remarked as she picked off the last piece off her plate, a piece of shrimp, with her chopsticks.

“Yeah. I try to avoid it, especially if I know that I’m going to be swimming, but I couldn’t resist.”

“Are you still willing to do that?” Eli asked, a smile wide on her lips.

“Of course!” Honoka replied, motioning to her empty plate. “I’m ready whenever you are!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally planned for each day to be its own chapter, but this one ended up being a lot longer than I thought it'd be.
> 
> Also, I have been informed that SIFJP has released a honoeli pairing card where they're at the beach. What a coincidence.


	6. chapter 5: the end of ordinary ------

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honoka and Eli go swimming at the pool and play Marco Polo.

Before they could go swimming, they needed to get towels from the hotel.

It felt like they were back at square one as they headed back, their hands resting against one another with fingers intertwined. Eli’s hand felt cold against hers, but not in a clammy way; it was just cold. It felt the same way that it always felt in her hand: obligatorily there in the case that someone they knew walked by.

They all did; it was during those times where they weren’t quiet. They were greeting each other with waves and smiles and greetings and questions about if they already ate and how good the food was. It was small talk, but at least it let Honoka think about something else. She didn’t want to marinate on the conversation they had, and the more time they spent in silence, the more her mind gravitated to it.

Once they reached the pool, though, Honoka didn’t need to think about anything like that at all. She didn’t need to focus on the words that they shared, but rather the pool, and how amazing the water felt. She could think about swimming, and she could think about how empty the pool was, with the one person on the deck sitting in a lifeguard chair like everyone had entered the restaurant at the same time.

Honoka’s eyes grew wide at the sight of the empty pool, free rein for her to do whatever she wanted to do, with the only person who could possibly stop her being her girlfriend. She had been waiting for this moment since the morning began; even with how much she loved collecting shells, she wanted to swim at the beach, and now she could put all of that energy towards swimming, without worrying about how cool the water could have been.

The only thing that stopped her from running, yanking her dress off her body, and diving in immediately was Eli grabbing her wrist and tugging on her. Honoka pouted, squeezing the towel underneath her arm to relieve some of her thoughts.

“Come on, Honoka, we should change into our swimsuits.”

Maybe she should have told Eli that she was already in her swimsuit--and given how there was nothing but a towel under Eli’s arm, she was as well--but before she could, Eli was already dragging her around the pool and towards the changing rooms.

The changing room was a changing room, with tiled floors and concrete walls and corridors that led to sinks and toilets alike. The one thing that stood out from other bathrooms was the shower that was immediately at the front, occupied at the moment by two people wearing swimsuits. Honoka let out a sigh of relief knowing that she wouldn’t have to suffer _that_ level of indecency with Eli. It wasn’t like she wanted to bare it all physically as much as she wanted to emotionally, but it was met with the same barriers, where Honoka knew that a brief moment of catharsis would lead to a rest of the week filled with despair.

But that wasn’t enough to stop Eli from pulling Honoka into the same stall as herself, a stall that would have been cramped already if she was alone. It was a stall just big enough for someone to do their business and be comfortable doing so. Eli’s calves grazed against the toilet behind them, and their bodies pressed up against one another even as Honoka pressed her back into the door, which she made sure to lock. Honoka could feel her pulse raising, a lump growing in her throat as she realized that their bodies were touching. It wasn’t like Eli’s hands were running up and down her body, but she could have, at any moment, taken her then and there. She knew she wouldn’t, but the idea of it, for Eli to declare her passions to her in such a carnal way, was more exciting than it had any reason to reasonably be.

And she had to strip for her in there, in that incredibly tight space where their bodies were pressed up against one another.

“Eli-chan,” Honoka protested, “don’t you think this is a bit too cramped?”

Eli tilted her head, almost like the thought never even crossed her mind.

Honoka couldn’t shake her head, given how close Eli was to her, but she really wanted to. It wasn’t like she wasn’t used to undressing with people; her idol days had led to many costume changes. However, this was different in a few ways: Honoka was used to having a stall by herself, and she never changed in front of Eli while she was pretending to be her girlfriend. She was really glad that she was wearing her swimsuit underneath; she couldn’t fathom how it would have felt to expose herself completely to her. At least, not on these terms.

Maybe when she knew what Eli actually wanted out of their relationship, but not now.

The more she thought, the more she stalled. She wanted to go swimming, to get her mind off of things, to get out of this awkward situation, but the only way she could was to bite the bullet, to expose herself and strip in front of Eli--and watch her strip in kind. Reaching behind her back, she grabbed onto the zipper that held her dress together, and slowly unzipped it, shrugging off the straps from her shoulders. She made sure to grab her dress and pull up, not to delay the motions of her dressing, but rather to ensure that her dress didn’t end up on the floor, and once it was off her body, she threw it over her shoulder, showing off her equally-orange bikini to an amused Eli.

“That’s a nice bikini, Honoka. It suits you,” she said, her comment enough to cause her cheeks to flush.

“Thank you!”

She wanted to add onto her comment, but before she could, Eli had already grabbed onto her top and was busily pulling it off her body. Honoka knew better than to stare; she was her girlfriend, for crying out loud. Yet, she was her girlfriend, perhaps the one person that Eli would let stare at her toned body. Maybe this was her trying to apologize for what she said during lunch, and she was openly inviting Honoka’s stare, but that seemed doubtful. Eli’s gaze was playful as it caught Honoka scanning her body, a coy smile on her face.

“Like what you see, Honoka?” She teased, getting her attention.

“I, I, uh--” Honoka didn’t know what to say or how to feel. Of course she liked what she saw; it was Eli. Yet, she couldn’t help but feel like thoughts that she shouldn’t have been having filled her mind and polluted her answer. She was definitely loving more than the bikini, and she didn’t know how to say it without making herself seem like a shameless pervert.

But she tried anyway.

“It looks great, Eli!” She had to admit, black was a good color on her. Disregarding her chest and her toned belly, black was a great color on Eli.

“I’m glad you think so,” Eli remarked, “I hoped you were a fan of black.”

Black could have been Honoka’s least favorite color and she would have loved it all the same. As much as she didn’t want to think about it at all during their dates, she had to admit then and there that Eli was hot, a worthwhile catch even without how friendly she was. Despite that, she kept her gaze locked on Eli’s, even as she busied herself with her jeans and slid them down her legs and to the ground, only bringing her feet up to kick them off; she didn’t want to seem _too_ shameless.

Eli took as much of a step back as she could, as if inviting Honoka to look at what she wore; her bottoms matched her top, and it looked just as nice. “How do I look?” Eli asked.

“You look great! Black really suits you!” She didn’t care if Kotori would have made judgment for her saying that. To her, Eli looked good in everything, especially her true feelings.

“You like?” Eli asked, her voice low and teasing. She stepped forward, her foot close to slipping between both of Honoka’s. Honoka stepped back, feeling her pulse starting to race faster in her chest as her shoulder blades pressed up against the cool metal of the door behind her. The distance closed between them once more as Eli took another step, closer than she had been before, even with how Honoka pressed herself up against the door. If only Eli could hear her heartbeat racing.

If only she could hear it growing faster, like it was about to explode, as Eli slammed a hand into the door, right next to Honoka’s hip. She had seen this kind of thing when she was walking around the bookstores of Akihabara, familiar with the wall-slamming kind of romance. She wasn’t one to read those books, but those covers told all they needed to; if it was anything like those books, Eli would have tilted Honoka’s chin up so she wasn’t looking anywhere but her eyes, and she’d be captured in a kiss. She waited for that hand, lingered for her touch, even if she said what she said and she was trying to make herself believe something.

In waiting for Eli to tilt her head and pull her in for a kiss, Honoka was caught off-guard by the sound of something behind her unlatching and, suddenly, the wall behind her moved. Honoka’s butt hit the ground, sending her back to reality as she realized that Eli had busied herself with opening the door instead of comforting her with a romantic fantasy that she picked up on in some random bookstore. How desperate could she have been for her touch?

At the very least, Eli had given her a compromise in the form of reaching a hand out to help her up. A mirthful smile was on her lips, although her laughter was not at her. She wanted to laugh with her about how ridiculous it seemed, but despite what humor Eli could find in it, Honoka found nothing. Sure, Honoka felt tears welling in her eyes like she was laughing hard, but they felt bitter.

Regardless, Honoka grabbed Eli’s hand, not bothering to tangle fingers with her.

“I’m sorry, Honoka,” Eli said, trying to hide her giggles as she pulled her up onto her feet. “I didn’t think I was pushing you into the wall that much!”

“It’s not that, Eli-chan,” Honoka remarked, trying to hide her tears in kind. Like she could say what was really on her mind, but at least Eli wasn’t laughing at her being rejected. Maybe saying what she said, words that invited her to speak her mind, weren’t the best to lead with. “I thought you were going to do something else…”

Eli tilted her head in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Honoka sighed. “I thought you were pinning me against the door to do something romantic. I don’t know.” She smiled, not only from finally being able to speak her mind, but also realizing how goofy it was in retrospect. “I guess that’s pretty silly of me, huh?”

Honoka didn’t know what she wanted to see from Eli as she explained herself, but a smile was one of the few things that she didn’t expect from her. “Oh, I’m sorry about that, Honoka,” she said, leaning in to peck her cheek. “Better?”

As much as she appreciated the peck, it didn’t really help things. It felt like a consolation prize. It felt like pity over her actually meaning it. She wanted better, and she knew that she meant well, but asking if it was better made it so much worse. She couldn’t just say that to her face, though; she felt like she was being too demanding again. If she did, she’d feel needy, far too needy for something that was supposed to be fake. It was bad enough that Eli could almost see through her veneer. She had nothing she could do except nod and say that things were better, even with how toxic the word felt as she said it.

“Better.”

Honoka hoped that her fake smile was convincing enough for Eli not to notice that things were wrong, and thankfully, she couldn’t see through it. As long as she could be performative through her happiness, she didn’t think Eli would mind. As painful as that was to think out, she hoped that she could fake it just enough for her not to realize what she was doing.

But was that even love? Hiding everything? Hurting herself so that Eli could be happy? The more she thought, the more she dug herself, the more she wanted to talk to Eli and let it all out, even if it ruined everything. It felt selfish for her to do so, to ruin Eli’s fun to let herself be happy, but the more she spent thinking, the more she felt like she needed to.

But she couldn’t. Not with the way that Eli tugged at her hand and willed her out of the bathroom and towards the pool. Not with the way that her smile seemed so genuine as she looked back and made sure that Honoka was smiling as well. She couldn’t just stop and stand there, forcing Eli to listen to a monologue about her true feelings.

The least she could do was kiss her cheek back as they headed out of the bathroom together, letting her savor the taste of Eli’s skin, even if it was the last time that she could taste her. At least Eli seemed like she enjoyed it, given the way that she giggled.

The sight of the pool was thankfully enough for Honoka to stop thinking about all the negativity, the aching that filled her heart. It all was filled with a desire to swim, to get her mind off of it, to focus on other things. Even if Eli was in the pool with her, she could at least let out her feelings in the pool, against the water, with every stroke that she made. Maybe, just maybe, she could find a way to have Eli perform something, but she couldn’t even trust herself to go too far. She wouldn’t drown for her to prove a point. That’d be too dramatic.

After placing their belongings on a pair of beach chairs, as if to claim them for themselves, they approached the pool. Honoka’s hand broke itself from Eli’s so that she could run the last few meters, gaining enough speed to feel the wind against her face. There was something so relieving about how it felt, the way that the air caressed her in a way she wished hands to, its invisible touch soothing her with every step that she took. As the pool approached her with every step, her smile grew, the water, no matter how cold, welcoming her. It was only when she reached the edge of the pool that she stopped running and jumped, tucking her knees into her chest and wrapping her arms around them, free from everything but the pull of gravity bringing her to the water.

“Cannonball!” Honoka screamed out at the apex of her jump, her arms tightening as she braced for the rush of cool to envelop her.

Honoka closed her eyes the moment she hit the water, the sound of her splash the last thing she heard before she was submerged. Even bracing herself for the coolness didn’t prepare her for how chilled the water felt. She hugged herself tightly, letting herself grow used to the coolness around her and the weight of the water surrounding her. There was something so calming about the feeling which she couldn’t put into words, but it comforted her. It comforted her so much that she immediately swam back up to the surface, taking a deep breath before she could call out for Eli to join her.

“The water’s fine!” Honoka said; even if it was cool at first, she had grown used to it, and it was honestly pleasant. “Come on in!”

Eli stood there, her heels together, looking at the pool and Honoka in particular, a wide smile on her face. Honoka backed away from where she was, watching Eli bring one of her feet back, preparing herself to run towards the pool in the same way that she did. She was going to do something amazing, Honoka bet.

And as Eli ran forward and jumped into the air, Honoka watched as she performed a frontflip, her dive as she hit the water flawless like she hadn’t done what she had done. Honoka’s eyes were wide at the sight, and she brought her hands out of the water, kicking herself up so that once Eli re-emerged from the pool, she could give her a round of applause.

“That was amazing!” Honoka cheered as Eli swam back to the surface, her wide smile the first thing she saw. Eli treaded away from the edge of the pool, and towards Honoka, her look appreciative.

“Thank you,” Eli remarked. “I’m surprised I was able to do that,” she added with a giggle, one that Honoka was quick to reciprocate.

“So, Eli-chan,” Honoka said, slowly swimming towards Eli until there was a bit less than an arms’ reach between them. She didn’t want to tread too closely to Eli; she wasn’t sure if that would be too close, or if she was already too close.

“Well, what do you like doing in the pool, Honoka?” Eli asked.

“I like being in the water,” she said. “There’s something so comforting about being in the water, even if I’m not really swimming. It’s just so fun to be in here and mess around, you know?”

Eli nodded. “Like playing games?”

Honoka smiled, and if she wasn’t in the water, she would have clapped her hands. “Exactly! Do you know any fun ones?”

“Hmmm,” Eli thought aloud, “have you ever played Marco Polo?”

“Marco Polo?” Honoka asked. “Wasn’t he the traveler?”

“Not him,” Eli chuckled. “I’m talking about the game where someone closes their eyes and can only find people by calling out Marco, and everyone else says Polo.”

“Ooh!” Honoka said. “That sounds like fun! I’ll go first!”

“Okay,” Eli remarked, treading a bit away from Honoka. “Close your eyes and count to ten. Once you’re done counting, you can swim around and look for me!”

“Okay!” Honoka said, closing her eyes and counting, listening to Eli as she dove into the water and swam away from her. “One, two, three…”

Honoka couldn’t help but think about how big the pool was, and how few people were in it. Swimming would be easy, but finding someone in a place as large as this would be difficult, especially without being able to see. Sure, she could listen to the sounds of splashing, but that wasn’t much she could go off of, especially if Eli was on the other side of the pool.

“Four, five, six…”

It wasn’t the exact right word to describe how she felt, but she felt lost. She didn’t know the edges of the watery void that she was in. She’d probably be best off swimming slowly and making sure her arms were in front of her so she didn’t accidentally hit the walls around her. Maybe if she found a corner, she’d have some sort of direction she could take to help her find Eli, but until then, there wasn’t much that she could do to find her.

“Seven, eight, nine…”

Hopefully she could find her.

“Ten! Marco!”

“Polo!”

Eli was still there, but her voice, even with how it was yelled out, sounded distant. She headed in the direction of the sound nonetheless, slipping underneath the water and beginning a forward crawl through the pool. With every stroke she made, she felt like she was growing closer, going deeper into the pool or maybe finding her way across to the other side. Where she really was didn’t matter to her as much as how close she was to Eli. It drew her closer, swimming a bit faster than she probably should have blindly, only stopping once one of her hands hit the side of the pool. She pushed herself up and rested her arm against it, turning to the center of the pool, or at least where she thought it was.

“Marco!”

Then, after a few seconds,

“Polo!”

Eli’s voice was just as distant. Even with how much she worked to get to where she was, and almost risking a nasty collision in the process, she ended up no closer to her goal. At least she knew where one of the walls was, and even then, it could be lost to her the moment she called out Marco once more. It was a sacrifice worth making, though, as Honoka pushed off the wall and towards Eli’s voice once more, until she was close to where she thought the source came from. She hadn’t hit a wall, but she didn’t want to waste too much energy or give Eli time to swim away.

“Marco!”

“Polo!” Although the voice was behind her this time, it was closer.

Honoka smiled as she turned towards the sound of the voice and swam in that direction, charging headfirst with a forward crawl. On occasion, she would pause, letting her momentum carry her further so she could focus more on the sounds around her. She could hear splashing; Eli was close to her now, closer than where she had been the first few times that she called out Marco, but even with how close she must have been to her now, there wasn’t a point in being quiet with her calls. She could have been near someone who slipped into the pool when she had her eyes closed or was too focused on swimming.

“Marco!”

“Polo!” Eli had made an effort to make her voice softer, but it came from the same area as the splashing that she heard to her right. Honoka turned towards her voice once more, and she started swimming towards her, only stopping once she felt something brush up against her arm. It definitely wasn’t a wall; it felt like an arm. Honoka opened her eyes at the feeling and grinned at what she saw: her fingers had grazed against Eli’s left bicep. She had won; she had found her; she had touched her.

“Not bad,” Eli said. “Whenever I play with Alisa, it takes a bit longer for her to find me.”

Honoka giggled. “Well, what can I say?”

“Polo,” Eli remarked, stifling a giggle of her own. “I’m about to start!” She said as she turned to face away from her. “One, Two, Three...”

Honoka swam away from Eli, rushing away from her as quickly as her backstroke could allow. Now it was Eli’s turn to feel what she had felt; the awkward lostness of being in a pool with her eyes closed, searching through an improbably large area with only the guidance of where her voice was. If only it were that easy to show how it felt going through the hell of emotions that she had gone through throughout their vacation together. As she tucked herself into a corner of the pool, Honoka wondered how quickly it would take for her to be found, and she readied herself to push off once she called out.

“Marco!”

“Polo!” Honoka remarked. As she expected, Eli swam towards her, and Honoka pushed away, swimming towards another corner of the pool. She dipped slightly under water, making sure that her splashes couldn’t be heard while being close enough so she could hear Eli call out for her in the case that she wanted to know where she was at that moment. She kept swimming until she pressed up against the corner, and turned around, looking at how Eli was not even halfway to the corner.

“Marco!”

“Polo!” 

Honoka pushed off one of the walls once more as she saw Eli approach her, continuing to graze the wall until she could push off the other wall. She watched as Eli continued swimming, slowly, patiently, blindly towards where she once was. And then, she called out again.

“Marco!”

“Polo!”

Eli turned towards her and she realized that she was not in a great spot. Eli was not that far away from her, but if she tried swimming back, she’d be backed up into a corner pretty quickly. If she swam to one side or the other, she would have been no further away from Eli, and she’d be trapped quickly if she made one mistake. She watched as Eli swam, veering slightly from where she had called out, and Honoka swam the other way, taking whatever opening she could get. Before she could get that far, though, Eli called out.

“Marco!”

“Polo!”

Eli turned directly towards her, at this point a few meters away from her, and Honoka didn’t have a wall to push off of. As Eli swam towards her, Honoka swam to the side, trying to get as much speed as she could get in desperate hopes to juke her, but Eli hadn’t even made it all the way to where she was before calling out once more; she had once more gotten closer, and if she reached towards her, their fingertips would have almost grazed one another. They had gotten too close for Honoka to delay her loss any further.

“Marco!”

“Polo!” Honoka remarked, treading water and opening her arms wide for Eli to swim into. She didn’t mind losing if it meant that she could be in a warm embrace with her. Once Eli swam into her, she wrapped her arms around her, a move that, when Eli opened her eyes, made her smile grow more.

“Got you!” Eli said, her arms wrapping around Honoka. “Or did you get me first?”

Honoka winked and gave her a small smile. “I don’t know.”

Eli tilted her head. “I’m glad you’re my girlfriend,” she said, words that would have felt absolutely heavenly to hear if they didn’t sound so idle and conversational. It was like she was talking about it like the weather, but it was still enough for her to blush and for her smile to grow. Maybe it was something that should have felt heavenly, and Eli was trying to make herself seem like she was in love. It was worth giving her the benefit of the doubt, especially if she was being so rough with herself about romantic gestures. It was hard to call something performative if the only person who could have been watching was a lifeguard.

“You really think so?” Honoka asked, her voice oddly still. It wasn’t that it wasn’t enthusiastic, but it was flat, almost cutting, in how it was said. It sounded like she was going to cry. She didn’t know if her tears would be those of joy or misery.

“Of course,” Eli replied, her smile growing more and her tone genuine. There was nothing performative about it at all, but Honoka felt something off about it, something that didn’t quite click with her, and she pulled herself into her closer, her lips quivering as they tried to keep that smile that she gave her as strong as it had been.

“Are you sure?”

Her words burned as they came out of her mouth, as if they had some poisonous undertone that she didn’t realize they had until they were already out, without a moment for her to take it back. Those weren’t words that she could simply excuse away in any way she saw fit. They were the first words that let Eli really know what she felt, the pressure of holding up such a relationship, one that felt so fake, so out-of-place compared to her friendships with everyone else; it wasn’t even out-of-place in a way that she could say in her deepest thoughts that she was truly her girlfriend as opposed to just calling her a friend.

Eli was quiet. She let the words linger in the air as if they weren’t directed towards her, but she hugged her tightly. It wasn’t a hug that comforted Honoka. It wasn’t for her. She could tell by the way that Eli squeezed her that it was a hug for herself--she could have been a pillow and it would have been the same. She needed to hold something, and she was in the right place at the right time. It would have felt almost exploitative for her to hug back, but if it would help her relieve whatever she was feeling, she hoped it could work out in some way.

What Honoka didn’t expect was Eli to be the first to cry. Gone was that elegance that she knew her for, and even the goofiness that she used as a way to excuse herself with a wink before going back to whatever she was doing in her day. Honoka could barely pat her back to ease her mind with the water surrounding them; what once embraced them hindered them in their search for comfort. She thought that her struggle to figure out what they were only hurt her, but it wasn’t so; Eli was just a hell of a lot better at hiding it.

“I don’t know…”

Her words were soft at first, barely audible. If it were any louder around them, there was a good chance that she wouldn’t have heard, but the stillness of the pool around them let those words drift as quietly, and painfully, as they were meant to be heard.

“Eli-chan?” Honoka asked, her voice trying to hide back the tears from the misery that she, for the first time, truly shared with Eli.

“I don’t know, Honoka!” Her words were louder this time, as impulsive as they would have been if she unplugged the night light while she was awake. “I really wish I did! I wish I could tell you, but I really don’t know!”

With that, Eli leaned into Honoka’s shoulder, crying heavily into her. As her arms tightened around her, Honoka slowly brought them towards the edge of the pool, towards their stuff. It didn’t matter where they were; she thought the atmosphere would have changed things, but it all came crashing all the same. They stayed in the water, though, their feet rubbing up against the floor as they came closer to the shallow end. She didn’t want to tire out and get the lifeguard involved; they were already seeing enough between Eli’s breakdown and Honoka’s approaching.

And it was hard for Honoka not to break down in front of her. She felt terrible. All of that thought and hoping that Eli would be real with her felt so demanding and pleading now that she knew what she truly thought. She had been fighting herself all the same, trying to figure out where she was, and having her be so demanding, so high-maintenance to a point that her questions made her cry. This was her first relationship, but did that really mean that she had the right to be as bad a girlfriend as she had been acting?

She just wanted to be her girlfriend, but at that moment, it felt like it’d be the last moment that Eli would be in her arms. She wanted to keep them around her until the end of time, fearing that it was the case, and she rubbed whatever parts of her shoulders the water didn’t cover, trying to comfort her, hoping she could find a way to say the words she really wished that she could say.

She didn’t want Eli to feel like shit by letting her know how far she had dragged Honoka. She was already going through enough.

“You need some time to think, Eli-chan?” Honoka asked, her words once more stinging as they came out. She couldn’t help but let out a sob, an aching reminder that she was falling apart all the same. It felt pathetic, like a plea for her not to leave her for her emotional sake, but seeing Eli like this hurt like nothing had hurt her before. It hurt seeing her cry more than it hurt tossing and turning in bed thinking of the things she could have done better. It wasn’t enough, and it possibly never had been.

At least her words quieted Eli’s crying a bit, for better or for worse.

“That’s not it, Honoka,” Eli remarked, “it’s just that, that, fuck, I don’t know, Honoka. I really don’t know. I can’t put it into words, and I really wish I could. I just, I don’t want to hurt you. I really don’t…”

Once more, Eli fell into Honoka’s embrace, leaning into her shoulder in a desperate attempt to silence her sobs, or at least muffle them. They still slipped by, filling the air with her despair. Honoka could do nothing else but comfort her, not only with her arms, but also by being a companion in misery. She didn’t know either. She thought she knew, but she felt much more clear, like she actually thought that she knew what she wanted out of the relationship.

It wasn’t this. It wasn’t putting Eli through all this. This should have been stuff that Honoka could cry into her pillow while Eli was in a deep sleep, not stuff where Eli cried into her chest at the edge of the pool. Not on her hands. She just wanted to make something more, but it felt like she destroyed it, just like how she had destroyed all her friendships by letting them just fade into the nothingness of time going by. At least those were something which progressed so slowly that Honoka hadn’t realized that they were gone until she was reminded that they existed at some point. She watched as it broke down in real time, by her hands actively destroying.

She just wanted to be happy together, but as Honoka buckled against Eli, she, too, was crying. She needed to let it out. If they were at least together in realizing how fucked up it had been to play with each other, to use each other for relationship fantasies without even checking in to make sure that this was even working, that amounted to something. She didn’t want to know how much of a something it amounted to, but it was at least something that it amounted to in the end.

As Honoka’s sobs grew, Eli’s died out, and she pulled away from her. Her arms tightened around her reflexively. She wasn’t going to let go, not yet. Even if Eli had just pulled away so she could cry on her shoulder instead of how it once was, just the thought that she could have pulled away in that moment completely terrified her.

“I’m sorry, Honoka,” Eli whimpered as Honoka grew comfortable against her shoulder and cried. “I’m really, really sorry. I wish I knew how I felt,” she said. Her words comforted her, but in a way that encouraged her to cry more. She could feel that she was so close to being with her, that she was at least entertaining the idea in her mind. It was so much further than what she had been expecting of her (and what a thought that was to have of her fake-girlfriend), but it still fell short. It wasn’t that she wanted her feelings to be completely mutual, but her uncertainty made things difficult for her to know. Once she let out the wave of cries she needed to, she quieted herself, looking up at her.

“It’s okay, Eli-chan,” Honoka sniffled. “It wasn’t like I was any good at this fake dating at all…”

“What do you mean, Honoka?” Eli asked, her words too sudden for her to dig into her shoulder and cry some more. That was what she ended up doing, though, trying to hide from the grim reality that she was in love. In any other case, it would have been lovely and welcomed, but here, where the first time she could say that all the times she expressed her love were genuine were with tears in her eyes, it felt almost sickening, all for thoughts that she had and things that Eli didn’t need to hear.

“I don’t know, Eli-chan!” She said, hoping her words would be comforting in some capacity. “I don’t know how love’s supposed to go! I’m not sure what we are! It all feels so fake! I hate this, Eli-chan! I can’t believe people actually thought we were together!”

“I’m not sure either, Honoka. Even Nozomi seemed like she thought things were good.” Eli huffed. “Even when I say that she’s just saying that to make me feel better, I never really believed her when she said it wasn’t true. I just, fuck, I just don’t know, Honoka. Forgive me.”

It was easy to forgive her, even if it meant that a repeat of this was what could come out of it. There was something oddly comforting about being able to hold her in her arms when she was being as true as she could be, her sobs showing that she was feeling something and that she put some thought into their relationship. It wasn’t like this was something to break up about.

In Eli’s arms, Honoka smiled, knowing that there was true comfort to be felt in her embrace. Even if it was guiltily so, Honoka felt happy in such a weird way, a happiness that felt more happy than the other smiles that she flashed at Eli before now.

She only hoped that Eli felt, in some ways, the same way. Even if she didn’t, she didn’t want to have it any other way.

* * *

“How was everyone’s afternoon?”

Nico’s voice filled the silence that had carried throughout the dinner table as everyone ate. It was a perfect time for her to ask that question, given how most people were finishing their food; Hanayo still had a bowl of rice to the side that hadn’t been touched, and Nozomi had taken a bit more than her fair share of grilled pig and was busying herself with her food.

Honoka, too, had some food, but all she could do was prod at it with her chopsticks as if it were alive. It was hard for her not to think about what happened at the pool, especially with how Eli had sat there right next to her. Whenever she glanced at her, Eli glanced away. Their hands hadn’t touched since they sat down. Even if she was supposed to keep this act up in front of her friends, she wasn’t sure how it would feel to try.

“Nico-chan and Rin-chan had a lot of fun playing football, right, Nico-chan?” Rin asked, a smile wide on her face as she leaned in and grabbed her girlfriend’s shoulders. Nico’s grimace was evident to all but her.

“Indeed, we had fun,” Nico huffed. “Four straight hours of kicking a ball around a field. I really hope that I didn’t get sunburnt from it.”

“What do you mean, Nico-chan?” Rin asked, “you kept putting on that 80 SPF sunscreen like every half hour--”

“My agent will kill me if I come home with a tan, Rin! My pale skin is my charm point, and I can’t ruin that!”

“I’m sure if you’re going for a complete change in image,” Tsubasa piped up, “your agent will be fine with you being a bit more tan. It looks more mature.”

“More mature with that body type,” Maki added sarcastically.

“Watch it, Maki!”

“What did you two do, nya?” Rin asked, diverting the conversation.

“So, I didn’t know that there was a practice room a short walk away from the stage, so Maki and I decided to work on a song together.”

“You two came to a vacation just to work?” Kotori asked.

“Ehh…” Maki squirmed in her seat as she spoke, a hand instinctively finding its way to her hair. At least it seemed like everyone else was having fun. Honoka brought a bite to her lips and savored the taste as it landed on her tongue. If she was eating, she didn’t have to deal with this question, right?

“What about you two?” Nozomi asked. “How was your afternoon?”

Eli gave the best fake smile she could give, not even giving Honoka a chance to realize what was going on. “We went swimming in the pool. It was really nice. There actually aren’t a lot of people who go to the pool, which I didn’t expect.”

“I guess they were all at the beach,” Nico replied.

Honoka wanted to let out a sigh of relief which wouldn’t obviously give it away, but that wasn’t possible. She didn’t want to go further into what really happened. Not now. Maybe she could talk with someone at a later time, but to bring it up now?

“Probably,” Umi commented. “When Nozomi and I were going to the archery range, we crossed the beach, and it was completely packed. I would have expected the pool to be more crowded.”

“That might happen tomorrow, Umicchi. It’s only Sunday.”

Honoka felt her heart sink as she heard Nozomi’s comment. All of what happened took place in only a day. At this rate, Honoka felt like she’d be here forever, melting underneath the agony of a relationship that never seemed to get any better or worse. She wanted to go to the shrine to pray that today would be the most eventful. This was just too much.

“That means we have five more days until we leave, right?” Kotori asked.

“That’s right, Kotori,” Maki commented. “Plenty of time to explore the resort. There’s so much to do here, and I’m not even sure what I want to do tomorrow.”

“Me neither,” Rin said. “Maybe I’ll get Nico-chan to play more sports with me, nya!”

A groan came from Nico. “Maybe we can find something else to do, like arts and crafts, maybe?”

“Ooh!” Kotori cooed. “You’ll be joining me and Hanayo-chan if you go to arts and crafts! I’ve been designing outfits all afternoon.”

“Hey,” Maki said, “you were complaining about _me_ doing my work when I should be vacationing!”

“If you love something so much, it’s not work,” Kotori remarked.

If only that philosophy worked with relationships.

“I was thinking about going to arts and crafts tomorrow, too, to work on some jewelry,” Eli said. “Maybe we’ll see you there, too.”

Honoka nodded. “I’d love to see everyone there!”

“Maybe we’ll join you guys, then,” Nozomi added. “I’m not sure, though. Umi’s really been enjoying herself with her archery.”

“Nozomi,” Umi remarked, leaning into her. “You don’t have to be at the range if you don’t want to be there. I don’t want to hold you somewhere just because I’m enjoying myself.”

“But what if I like seeing you enjoy yourself, Umicchi?” Nozomi cooed, taking delight in the way that Umi flinched and flushed a slight red.

“Nozomi…” she whined.

“I’ll make sure to check up on you every so often, then,” Nozomi remarked. “Sounds like a deal?”

“I mean, if you want to…”

As the conversation continued, Honoka couldn’t help but feel like she had dodged a bullet. It could have gone so ugly, and she could have revealed all the dirty laundry of the afternoon. Eli could have slipped up and made a fool out of herself as well. It was almost a miracle that neither of them thought too hard about hiding things that they accidentally slipped out.

Yet again, Honoka couldn’t help but scan the group, thinking of who would be best to talk to this about. Eli was out of the question for something like this. When she tried, well, things went completely awry, but who would be worth talking to? As much as she wanted to talk to Umi or Kotori, she knew that neither of them knew Eli that well. Nozomi might have been a better choice, but she seemed like she’d be floating from place to place. Rin, Hanayo, and Tsubasa were all out of the question, and Maki didn’t seem like someone who’d take talking about romance that easily. She’d probably flush and get all embarrassed.

So, when the group stood up to put their dishes away, Honoka told Eli to wait for her for a moment as she headed to talk to Nico.

“Hey, Nico-chan!” Honoka said.

“What do you want?”

“Hey, tomorrow, during arts and crafts, can I talk to you about something?”

“Well, that depends on what you want to talk about.”

Honoka paused for a second and looked around, making sure that Eli wasn’t too close to her. Instead, she was walking with Nozomi and Umi, very much distracted.

“It’s about Eli.”

Nico’s lips curled into a smirk. “You’ve found just the person to talk to. Nico-nii is not only the #1 idol in the world, but a top resource on school idol gossip! As much as I’d like to talk to Kotori about her outfits, maybe I can squeeze a bit of time to talk to you about her. Is everything okay between you and her, by the way?”

Honoka sighed. “If they were, Nico-chan, I wouldn’t be asking.”

Nico nodded. “Good point. Well, if you have any questions, I’ll make sure to have them all answered for you as well as I can! I’ve been in touch with them basically since we’ve graduated and I’d like to say we’re pretty close.”

Honoka smiled. “And you’ll help me out?”

“I wouldn’t call it help, but if you--”

“Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Honoka reached forward and wrapped her arms tightly around Nico, drowning out her groans and complaints to be let go with her thanks and squeezing. Eventually, though, Nico was able to break free, a small, slightly judgmental smile on her lips.

“Yeah, I’ll talk to you tomorrow about it. I think we should put our dishes away soon.” Nico said, motioning over to the rest of the group who had been waiting at the entrance with their hands bereft of plates.

“Thank you,” Honoka said once more as she headed to the dish return station.

* * *

Sleep was not easy for Honoka that night.

She couldn’t help but think of the way that they entered their room with their hands apart, and how Eli didn’t even look at her as she told her that she wanted to warm up the bath, and how bathing together was completely out of the question, or the way that Eli slipped into bed, only looking at Honoka because she was in her direction when she was heading to her bed, with the only words she said being that the bath was ready.

The bath felt warm, but being in the water, the same water that Eli was in, pained her in such a weird way. It reminded her of the way that they were in the pool, in each other’s arms, holding tightly with no intent of letting go as they expressed how fucked up everything was. She still felt that dirt even as she dipped into the bath and submerged herself completely. She felt it as she lathered her body with soap and shampooed her hair. She felt it as she rinsed, and she felt it as she got out and dried herself off with a towel. It was a mental grime that wouldn’t go away, and even with how much she felt like she had relaxed, a cursory glance at her phone would show that she was in the bath for at most three minutes.

With a towel over her hair and her body in pajamas, she entered the bedroom once more, with the only light radiating from the night light between them as she closed the door behind her. Taking a few tentative steps, she saw that Eli wasn’t asleep, something which caught her by surprise. She would have thought she’d take the escape of slumber the first moment she got. She could even see in the dim light her expression, one of deep contemplation, and once she sat in her bed, Eli rolled over to face her.

“Honoka…”

Her words were pained, and she could see her biting into her lower lip as if she was using it as a buffer. She didn’t want to cry again, but Honoka could see the tears threatening to come out and show just how she truly felt.

“Yes, Eli-chan?” Her words were as soft and comforting as she could make them, her smile trying to show that same welcoming warmth. It wasn’t enough to welcome Eli, though, as her gaze darted from place to place, trying to find every interesting feature of the room so she didn’t have to focus on Honoka directly. It would hurt too much for her to do.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Eli-chan. I’m sorry, too.”

“It’s really not,” Eli huffed. “I guess I really should have known better before I asked you to do something like this. It’s not really fair for me to do this to you.”

“I’ve been enjoying myself, Eli-chan. I promise!”

“But what about the pool, Honoka? What about what happened there, where I held you in my arms trying to comfort you while I was falling apart? How can you be _enjoying_ that?”

“Maybe I wasn’t enjoying myself then, Eli-chan,” Honoka said, “but I’ve been loving all the time I’ve spent with you. You’re really sweet and fun to be around. I promise!”

“And I’ve loved spending time with you too, Honoka,” Eli remarked, facing towards the ceiling. “I’ve really enjoyed all the time we’ve spent together, and yet, here I am, laying here, contemplating what I should even be doing. I wish I knew.”

Honoka smiled. “The answer will come in time, won’t it, Eli-chan?”

Eli sighed a breathy sigh. “I hope it does.”

“That’s what I want to hear. Maybe you’ll figure out what you want to say at the end of the week.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Maybe I’ll say something that’ll make you think,” Honoka said. “It could be a slight nudge to the answer you’re looking for.”

“That’d be nice, Honoka,” Eli remarked, twiddling her thumbs together. “I really wish I knew what to say.”

“Maybe a goodnight would be in order?” Honoka said, bringing a hand to her mouth so she could stifle a yawn. “I know I’m getting tired myself.”

Eli chuckled. “Sounds like a good idea. You know, I admire your optimism and good humor. It’s so pleasant and relaxing.”

If only Eli could see the smile on Honoka’s face. It hurt to wear, but the pain she wore with pride. “Thank you, Eli-chan.” Honoka said as she grabbed the pillow. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Honoka,” Eli remarked. Even if it was performative, her words were warm enough in their tone to help Honoka get the sleep she wanted so badly.

At least now, she couldn’t fuck up their relationship any further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's hoping that i finally delivered on the angst tag this time around :p
> 
> also hbd honoka enjoy your suffering :p


	7. chapter 6: nothing scares me anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honoka and Nico talk about Eli and why she's been acting so weirdly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After all my work on other stuff earlier this month, I'm surprised I got another update of this fic out in August!

“Hey Maki-chan! What’cha making?” Rin asked as she watched Maki fill bubbles between lines on a piece of paper.

“I’m working on a song,” she remarked.

“Oh, wow! That looks,” Rin said, looking over Maki’s shoulder, trying her best to decode whatever was on the paper with mounting confusion. It could have been Greek or English and Rin wouldn’t have been the wiser. “That doesn’t make any sense, Maki-chan.”

“Yes it does!” She said, giving the paper to Tsubasa, who sang the melody that Maki wrote down. Rin watched with wide eyes as Tsubasa sang; there was no wonder why Tsubasa wanted to continue working with idols. She could have been one--in the professional sphere--herself. Once she finished, she gave the paper back to Maki.

“How did you do that?” Rin asked Tsubasa.

“We used sheet music in A-Rise to learn our songs. Learning harmonies by rote I feel is a lot more difficult, and Erena and Anju both have extensive musical backgrounds--”

Rin brought both of her hands to the table, startling her.

“How do I know you’re not just singing something that Maki told you to sing?”

Tsubasa’s eyebrows flattened in disbelief. “That’s the point of sheet music, Rin.”

“You didn’t rehearse this beforehand?” Rin asked, pointing a finger at the two of them.

“Eh?” Maki whined.

“Of course we didn’t,” Tsubasa remarked.

Honoka turned her head towards the group that formed at the other side of the paint-coated table. Eli was closest to her, not even really part of that group, fiddling with the shells she got from the beach. Beyond her, the rest of µ’s had huddled around Kotori, looking over her shoulders in surprise; in Hanayo’s case, her arms were wrapped loosely around Kotori’s neck, leaning against her with a soft smile on her face.

“That’s amazing, Kotori-chan!” Hanayo marveled.

“This looks better than your stuff from high school,” Umi said, looking over the paper with a smile. Honoka peered her gaze towards the paper as Umi put it down, letting her take a glimpse of Kotori’s sketch of an idol outfit. She had to agree with Umi there.

“Thank you,” Kotori giggled softly.

“Hey, Kotori, don’t’cha think the skirt’s a bit long?” Nozomi teased.

“Wah?” Kotori asked, admonishment for Nozomi’s tease continued by Umi, who grabbed her sleeve.

“Nozomi,” she said, pulling her closer, “don’t you think that idols should wear decently-lengthed skirts? That one’s short enough as is. You wouldn’t see me wearing that!”

“Awh,” Nozomi teasingly whined, “but Umi--”

“Maybe you’d be fine wearing a shorter skirt, Nozomi, but Kotori has to think about who’s wearing it.”

Kotori nodded. “I’ve been commissioned by an idol group that sells itself on its modesty, so the skirts have to be pretty long to avoid being ‘scandalous,’” Kotori said, putting air-quotes around the description. She shook her head, almost in disappointment, but she couldn’t do anything about a commission.

Honoka stared towards the wall in front of her, white with smears of paint lit up by a few light bulbs and a window she could see only in her peripheral vision. The commotions around her started to fade into one another, not really interested in listening to either of them. She wasn’t even looking at the piece of paper that her pencil lingered upon, idly scrawling the motions of her hand as she found herself deep in thought. 

It could have been a time for her to work on a love letter to Eli, but part of her panged that she wouldn’t like being compared to a loaf of bread or a basket of strawberries. It could have been time for her to look over Eli’s shoulder and see what she was doing, but as she looked back at her, it looked like any small slip-up would ruin what she was working on. Maybe it was just worth it to stand up and talk around, like what Rin was doing. There had to be _something_ she could do.

“Honoka!” Nico said, jabbing something blunt into her side.

Nico’s words broke Honoka from her silent stupor.

“Gah! That tickles!”

She straightened up and looked at her, seeing the pencil whose eraser she had been poking into her. She batted a hand to her side, knocking the pencil out of Nico’s hands. A slight smile was on her face, a hand wiping one of the tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

“You said that you wanted to talk to me about something, right?”

It didn’t take a second for Honoka to realize what she was talking about. She gave her a nod and stood up from her seat, making sure to scoot it into the table. “Yeah, I did,” she added, almost redundantly.

Nico walked up to Eli, and Honoka followed her. 

“Hey, Eli,” Nico said, immediately enough for her to stop what she was doing and turn around. She tilted her head.

“What’s up, Nico?”

“I’m gonna take your _girlfriend_ for a bit.” Honoka could taste the salt that lingered from Nico saying that she was her girlfriend, like it was some sort of sick joke. “Is that okay?”

“Go right ahead,” Eli remarked, almost uncaring about how offensively Nico called Honoka her girlfriend. Before Honoka could say anything, Nico grabbed her by the wrist and tugged her out of the room and through the hall of the arts and crafts building until they were outside.

The sun beat down on the resort, an agonized groan leaving Honoka as she stepped outside of the building; she had not realized how much she was used to the air-conditioning until that moment. Nico stayed silent, even as she let go of Honoka’s arm and brought hers to her side. She looked out, towards the beach, her twintails stirred slightly by the breeze that grazed through the air. She could see in her eyes how much she was trying to figure out what she wanted to say, but she didn’t have the words for it.

“What did you want to tell me, Nico-chan?”

“I don’t know. You said you wanted to tell me something.”

Honoka sighed, sitting on the step right in front of her. “You said that you knew everything about idol drama,” she said, “and I was wondering about Eli. She’s been acting kind of weird lately, and I don’t know what to think of it.”

Nico continued looking out towards the sea, her expression unchanging. She tapped her foot against the patio and squinted. The silence, only broken by the wind whirring around them, felt deafening. Nico’s lips pursed before she spoke, her tone equally judgmental and careful.

“You’re not really Eli’s girlfriend, are you?” Her gaze shared that same judgmental undercurrent as she turned to look at her. Her gaze was weirdly piercing, the kind of thing she’d expect to see when she found someone in the audience to dedicate a song to, except bereft of the joy she’d expect from her.

“Eh? What do you mean?” Honoka asked, trying her best to deflect the question.

“Honoka, you know what I mean. I might not be good with math, but I’m not stupid. Nico-nii can do no wrong, you know.” Between her voice and her words, Nico felt much more like Umi, and it was enough to disarm her. Honoka slunk her shoulders and let out a soft sigh. “Now, tell me, Honoka, are you and Eli really going out, or is it true that it’s all fake.”

Honoka nodded. “Yes.”

“Yes as in?”

“Yes, Nico-chan,” Honoka admitted, her words both crushing her and relieving a weight off her chest. “Eli-chan and I aren’t really going out. Is it that obvious?”

“If you’re not an idol super-sleuth like me, you’d be easy to mistake as a real couple. But for me, I know things. When people say they hear it through the grapevine, I _am_ the grapevine. I’m sure you even had Nozomi fooled, though.”

It was weird hearing Nico say that. Whether she was trying to one-up her friends or not, hearing that she fooled who she perceived to be the most perceptive of them was a testament to her acting. If she could even call it that.

“What was I doing wrong?” Honoka asked.

Nico laughed. “You weren’t doing anything wrong, Honoka. Eli, though…” she said, looking back to the beach. “She’s got some stuff. Like, some dirt. Dirt I’m only telling you because you like her. You like her, right, Honoka?”

“I mean, as a friend, absolutely.”

“It was enough for you to act like her wife. You even had _me_ fooled with how much you like her. Even if you were just acting, I can’t help but be suspicious, you know?”

Honoka huffed. “Yeah, I guess there’s plenty to be suspicious about. It’s been really stressful.”

“What’s been so stressful about going and giving her a PDA every so often?” Nico asked. “There were times back in college where I’d have to hold Nozomi’s hand and it never bothered me because it was all platonic and we both knew it.” Nico looked down and squinted at Honoka. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s on your mind. Spit it out, Honoka. You like Eli, don’t you?”

Honoka nodded. “I swear, it’s not too bad!”

“What’s so bad about being in love, Honoka? Doesn’t it feel great having someone to love?”

“Not when it feels like everything I do feels fake from her end,” Honoka huffed. “I swear if I told her I actually liked her like that, it would make everything weird. That’s why I’m asking you if you know anything about Eli-chan that I should know. Is she taken? Is she straight?”

Nico laughed again. “I can assure you that Eli’s not straight at all, and from what I know about her, she’s not taken. I don’t think she’d be. It’d surprise me if she was, actually.”

“What do you mean?”

Nico hummed for a moment before heading over to the step. Honoka scooted, giving Nico a bit more room, before she sat down. Nico was once more deep in thought, trying to figure out the best way that she could say what was on her mind.

“You know how Nozomi and Eli were back in high school?”

“Of course I do.” There wasn’t any way for Honoka to forget how they were. Had it not been for Nozomi, there would have been absolutely no chance for them to have gotten near Eli. She had always been by her side and knew all of her secrets.

“Well, you didn’t hear this from me, but…” Nico began.

“So you remember how close they were way back then? How Nozomi and Eli always seemed to be by each other’s sides? I’m not gonna cut corners with this, but Eli definitely had the hots for Nozomi. I’m not sure if it was mutual or what have you, but it was pretty clear that Eli liked Nozomi. She didn’t really have a lot of friends back then. She had the members of the student council, but outside of classes, nobody really talked with her. I think everyone was scared or jealous.

“Like, she got a _lot_ of valentines every year. You could tell which locker was hers around that time because it always struggled to hold everyone’s letters in it. I think the entire school wanted her, but they never had the courage to speak up.” Nico took a breath, as if to let Honoka catch up with her thoughts. “Nozomi did, though. She had nothing to lose, and so she became one of Eli’s only friends. Maybe it’s because Nozomi transferred in her first year and had nobody else to talk to, but I feel like they found solace in being alone together, if you really want my opinion of it (I know you do, nico)."

Another pause. Nico stretched her legs, pointing her toes towards the ground.

“Anyway, they joined the student council my second year. I remember this because I gave Nozomi the idol club’s membership form. I tried and tried to get that afloat, but that’s not really important; it didn’t even work out for me.” Nico frowned, the slight dramatism of her expression a stark contrast to her story’s tone. “I also remember that Eli was standing right behind her and she was really intimidating. It was honestly weird seeing her talk with Nozomi back then because she was incredibly bitter towards me but the moment she started talking with her, she was all buddy-buddy and kind and friendly!”

Nico’s voice grew louder, throwing her arms into the air. Her feet returned to the step below, as if she was ready to stand up. “Like jeez, Eli, maybe if you wanted more friends, you could talk to people like you talk to Nozomi. You had the entire school wanting to be with you and you couldn’t get the time of day from anyone besides her. I thought you had to know how to _talk_ to people if you wanted to be the student council president!”

Nico stopped herself mid-rant, turned to Honoka, and gave an apologetic nod before bringing her hands back to her lap. She sighed.

“That’s besides the point though. Apparently she was really well-loved among the council and the vote for her as president was unanimous. It was absolutely natural that Nozomi would be her vice president. She was probably the only third year she knew by full name.” Nico huffed, throwing her arm over her side and turning to face Honoka directly. “I’m telling you, Honoka, Eli _clung_ to Nozomi. She was a lifeline. She had Nozomi pretty much do all the socialization for her because she knew how to do it. You probably knew that when you tried expanding the idol club, though.”

“I could have guessed most of this,” Honoka interrupted.

Nico’s eyebrows furrowed, her hands resting at her hips. “Hey! I’m talking here and I’m just about to get to the juicy bits!” She loosened up a bit. “Now, where was I? Oh yeah! Graduation. Eli and Nozomi ended up going to different schools because of their career paths. I remember Eli getting a scholarship to a prestigious ballet studio while Nozomi wanted to stay home and go to school in Tokyo. I remember that after graduation, Eli asked Nozomi to meet her in the back of the school and she asked her to be her girlfriend.” Another pause, for dramatic effect. “She said no, because how were they going to communicate? They were going their own separate paths, for crying out loud! I’m sure Eli said what she said just to get it off her chest, and I’m not sure if Nozomi liked her back, but she said no because she wasn’t comfortable doing something so long-distance.

“Then I think it was a year or two later when Umi entered the picture. I think what happened was that they ended up going to the same university or something.” Nico pointed at Honoka. “You know where Umi went?”

“She went to the University of Tokyo,” Honoka said.

“Yeah, that’s what happened. Nozomi also went to Tokyo for their theology program and apparently she was a T.A. for one of Umi’s gen-ed classes or they shared one together. I don’t know. I still find it kind of weird, to be honest. Like, Nozomi and Umi? That’s some definite opposites attracting. Maybe it has to do with Lily White. However what I do know is that they ended up getting together at the end of Umi’s freshman year of college. So three years, has it been?”

Honoka nodded.

“I think what’s happening with you and Eli is that Eli is upset that Nozomi got together with Umi and not her, so she’s using you to look like a couple.”

Despite the accusations, Honoka didn’t feel too shocked with this knowledge. It was an idea that festered in her mind, and she was glad to have someone tell her that it was true. It brought relief to know that she wasn’t the only one.

“I’m not sure what she’d think of you actually liking her, though,” Nico said. “I’m pretty sure she thought you two would just pretend to date and never speak of it again once this week is over. I wish I could help you there, Honoka. Maybe Eli likes you, maybe she doesn’t. It’s hard to tell with her, though. She’s not good at showing what she really thinks. Always a façade.” Nico focused on her flip-flop-clad feet, wiggling her toes around. “But that’s pretty much all I know about Eli and Nozomi. I know there were a lot of rumors about them back then and that a _lot_ of people wanted to see Eli and Nozomi get together back in our idol days, even though that totally goes against the date ban.”

“Aren’t you and Rin-chan g--”

“Life partners, Honoka.” Nico interrupted. “They’re completely and totally different. Rin is my life partner. Gosh, Honoka, why do you think I’d have a _girlfriend_? Nico-nii’s love is for everyone!”

“Uh, if you say so,” Honoka mumbled. They were basically the same thing to her, but whatever Nico wanted to call whatever she had with Rin, as long as they were both okay with it, she had no place to intervene.

Nico stood up and dusted her skirt off. “Did that help any?”

Honoka tilted her head. Although most of that was stuff that she could have guessed, there was something comforting in Nico telling her that it was all true. She wasn’t going insane. That was enough to relieve her. Honoka gave Nico a smile. “It did. Thank you, Nico! You’re the best!”

“Aren’t I?” Nico said, giving her a playful wink. “Anyway, if you really want to get close to her, I’d say your best bet would be seeing what she’s doing in here. Or,” Nico paused to get close to Honoka, a smirk on her lips, “have you visited the onsen with her yet?”

Honoka flushed. The cheeky expression on Nico’s face did not help make it feel any less scandalous. “I have not.”

“I think Eli likes onsens,” she said, “because she’s all tense and busy and whatnot. I’d say it might be a smart idea to go there.”

“I’ll consider it,” Honoka said, struggling to look Nico in the eye. If only she could see what was going on in her mind, and the image of a naked Eli dancing around. As tempting as it was, Honoka felt awkward thinking about it nonetheless.

“You can’t just ask her first-thing when you enter the studio again, though. You need to find the perfect moment! Preferably alone! It has to be romantic, you know?”

Honoka giggled. “Am I that obvious, Nico-chan?”

Nico nodded. “Don’t do anything stupid. Anyway, I think I’m gonna go back inside,” Nico said as she grabbed for the door. “Can’t leave Rin alone by herself for too long. Care to join me?”

Honoka stood up and gave a nod, the smile on her face growing. With the new information and Nico’s support, she felt invincible. She could finally do this. “Thank you, Nico!” She stepped inside, kicked the sand and dirt off her socks, and headed back towards the room. Nico followed suit, and once they entered, Rin pounced, missing Honoka entirely and sending all of her energy Nico’s way. She fell down, bringing Rin with her as she let out a grunt when she hit the floor.

“Nico-chan! Hello!”

“Hey, Rin,” Nico said, softly, but with a warm smile on her face.

Honoka sidestepped them to check in with the rest of the crew, who were now all crowded around Kotori (and Hanayo, who sat right next to her working on some origami shape) with the exception of Eli. Eli was right where she was, her hands still meticulously crafting things out of shells.

On the table, right in front of Honoka’s seat, were two earrings. At the sound of Honoka pulling her seat back, Eli turned towards her, a smile on her face.

“Welcome back!”

“Thank you,” Honoka said. As much as her previous times talking with Eli filled her with a dread, it surprised her when the weight of her shoulders didn’t come crashing down on her. She felt lighter. She grabbed the shells and jingled them in her hand delicately.

Eli’s smile grew. “Those are yours. I’m working on my pair right now,” she said, motioning to the one completed earring and the shell with a hole poked into it. “Aren’t they cute?”

“I love them!” Honoka said. She put the shells down and ran her fingers along her earlobe, feeling the metal flowers that were already in her ears. She didn’t remember when she got them; they were probably a gift from someone in college. “I’ll wear them tomorrow!”

Eli giggled. “Once I get these finished, I’ll wear them, too.” She turned back to her shells, hoping to expedite that process by working on them once more. Eli hummed to herself, breaking the silence with a pleasant melody that Honoka didn’t quite remember. She could tell it was a song they sang back in high school, though.

As she watched her work on her earrings, Honoka couldn’t help but feel an urge from deep inside of her to tell her about the Nico-inspired date plan she had. As much as Nico told her about timing, the thought of going to an onsen raced through her mind now that she was close to her and had time to think. Her melody didn’t help things at all; its simplicity and beauty was like a siren’s song. It brought her close, a hand resting against Eli’s shoulder as she watched her work.

She’d have no problem finding a time to ask her.

* * *

It was hard finding the right time to ask her.

It wasn’t that Honoka couldn’t find the words that she wanted to use to ask her out. If she lingered her pencil against her paper back when she was in the arts and crafts room, she would have written a whole poem about different ways to ask her to the onsen. It wasn’t that Honoka didn’t feel weight when she was around Eli, either; no words described the feeling of having an arm around her like _comfortable_ did.

The problem was everyone else around her. She wasn’t going to ask her out on an onsen date in front of the rest of the group. She didn’t want to hear Rin or Hanayo trying to convince their girlfriends to come along and make it a double date or even a triple date. Nor did she want to confront Nozomi about it at all; it would have made things a bit too awkward for Eli, she thought.

What didn’t help her was that today was a day spent with the entire group, whether it was listening to their conversations as she watched Eli make shell necklaces, or their standard dinner protocol where they talked about what they did in the arts and crafts room. There was barely any time for her to do anything with her plans.

Honoka idly prodded at her plate of berkshire pig katsu, stirring the curry into her rice. She looked up towards the conversations going on; it was hard to focus on just one. Rin was talking with Hanayo and Nico about sports, while Kotori talked with Umi and Nozomi about outfits, she assumed. Through the midst of the commotion between everyone, Honoka excused herself from the table to go to the bathroom, making sure to push her chair in before heading over.

Once in the bathroom, she headed towards one of the sinks, her sandals smacking the tile floor with every step she made. She reached for the sink and put her hands underneath it, the automatic sensor picking up her motions. She cupped her hands as the sink wetted them, water collecting between her fingers which she splashed against her face. She needed to get ahold of herself; her impatience was getting the best of her.

“Seems like someone’s stressing themselves out.”

Honoka turned to face the door, her gaze immediately meeting Nico, standing upright with her hands crossed over her chest. “You know you’re doing nothing to help yourself when you do that, right?”

Honoka sighed. “I’m just giving myself a pep talk, I promise!”

Water she splashed on her face that was caught by her hair landed on her shoulders. Nico squinted.

“You look like you always did before performances back then whenever you weren’t comforting Umi,” Nico remarked, taking a few steps forward, tilting her head.

“Whenever I comfort people, I forget about my own nervousness,” Honoka giggled.

“Honoka,” Nico huffed as she closed the distance between them, just enough for her to see a mirror in the corner of her eye. Turning to face it, Nico gave a smirk to it, looking at Honoka’s reflection. That pensive look on Honoka’s face lingered, and Nico’s gaze softened a bit.

“You haven’t been smiling a lot on this trip.”

Honoka’s eyebrows rose, a questioning look on her face. “What?”

“You haven’t been smiling, Honoka. It’s weird seeing you like this. A smile looks so much better on you.”

“Yeah,” Honoka sighed. “I don’t really know when I stopped.”

“About the time you fell off the planet?”

Honoka froze in place, like she was a deer in headlights. She looked at herself in the mirror, the images of time spent away from her friends flashing through her mind. She promised them she’d message back, but her classes kept getting in the way, she kept having new friends taking up her time, she found internships that ate up more of her time, her charger broke. She succumbed to her daily life of college and it never really let her do anything outside of changing her major to something she wanted to do. Maybe that was when the melancholy kicked in.

“Honoka,” Nico interrupted Honoka’s thoughts, “look at my reflection.”

Honoka wearily tilted her gaze towards her, wondering what she could do.

Nico balled her hands into fists, and turned away from the mirror. Then, she turned around.

“Nico Nico Nii! Your heart belongs to Nico-Nico~ I’m the number #1 idol in the universe, Nico-Nii!”

She was used to Nico’s theatrics, the routine she performed completely unchanged from the first time she saw it in high school. All the time before, she found it to be self-aggrandizing and pointless. Yet, in that moment, she couldn’t help but smile. It was silly, it was goofy, it was cute. Nico had found a way to her heart, even if it didn’t last for very long. Once Nico was done, she looked at Honoka’s reflection, smirking to herself at the small smile she had on her face.

“Your turn.”

Honoka nervously turned to Nico. “My turn?”

Nico nodded. “A smile looks better on your face, you know. I’m sure Eli would like to see a bit of stability out of you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I _mean_ you were the center of µ’s, Honoka. And as the center, people expect you to have a lot of things. Just because Eli’s going through a cloudy patch doesn’t mean you have to, too! Be her sun! Smile, turn around, and blow me away with the energy I know you have!”

Honoka nervously pivoted on her heel, turning away to face the stalls. She curled her balls into fists, and uncurled. Curled them again, and then uncurled them. She breathed in the rhythm of her fists curling and uncurling, the nervousness that filled her releasing through every uncurl of her fingers. The tension inside of her faded away, and a warm smile formed on the corners of her lips.

It was time.

“Hey, Nico-chan, what should I say?”

“Whatever you want,” Nico said. “As long as it’s positive and puts a smile on your face. I used the Nico Nico Nii because I know it cheers up my siblings.”

“Ah, okay,” Honoka said, looking back at the stalls. Now it was time to focus. She turned around and let it out.

“Eli-chan!” Honoka said to her reflection. “You wanna go to the onsen with me?”

“That’s the spirit!” Nico said, giving Honoka a pat on the back. Honoka jumped slightly as Nico patted her, wondering what she was even talking about. She looked at her reflection again, noting the brightness in her eyes, the way that her lips were in a wide smile. She looked bright. Her shoulders were back.

She was the sun.

“Thank you, Nico-chan!” Honoka said, turning to face her and wrapping her arms tightly around her. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! I won’t let you down, I promise!”

“This isn’t for me, you know,” Nico said, “I already have a--”

“Life partner?”

Nico tilted her head. “Yeah, sure, a life partner. But you go ahead now, and show Eli exactly what you--”

The door behind her closed, and the last thing Honoka heard from the bathroom was a faint “want.”

Honoka breathed a sigh of relief as she sat down next to Eli, the smile holding over. Eli’s arm wrapped around her.

“Welcome back, dear.”

“Thank you,” Honoka said as she slipped her chopsticks in her hand and began eating her curry. She hummed at the taste of the broth, her smile growing even more as she ate. She leaned slightly into Eli as she ate her food, making sure to eat slowly enough that she didn’t choke on anything.

“Delicious!” Honoka cried out.

She could see the gazes being traded between everyone and their smiles. They were infectious, warm smiles that seemed to reflect how she felt about feeling better. The table smiled with her, and the conversations, from what she could hear, were merry. Maybe it was just the clouds she had over her head all along. Maybe it just felt good to smile again, even if she didn’t have a reason.

And Honoka kept eating, catching up with the rest of the group with their empty plates. She loved the flavor, the heat, the texture, the warmth of the curry with every bite she took, juxtaposed against a juicy, crisp cutlet. It was heavenly. Maybe this was what it was meant to be like.

She turned to face Eli, her chopsticks scraping against the plate as they struggled to get the last pieces of rice off. As much as there was merriment going around the rest of the table, Eli looked on with a pensive gaze towards the opposite wall. It took a few nudges for her to get Eli out of her daydreaming, but once she was, she turned to face Honoka, a small, questioned smile on her face.

“Can we go for a bit, you and me?”

Honoka took Eli’s hand in hers and stood up, tugging her aside without even pushing their chairs in. She could hear Umi trying to tell her to wait up, but it fell on deaf ears. She turned around and gave a quick apology before leaving the building entirely. They faced the setting sun, the cool summer evening air fresh and tasting of the sea as Honoka slowed down, walking down the side of the pool with her.

“What did you want to talk about?” Eli asked.

“Well,” Honoka said, “I was wondering if maybe you would…”

The words grew more difficult, as if her tongue was drowning in molasses. She swore she had practiced this in her head, but now that she was outside, with Eli, it felt difficult. She continued ambling, though, taking a turn at a fork in the road that she hoped would be helpful for her to get her point across. They ended up at a sign which pointed towards the direction of the onsen, the exact place where she cried in Eli’s arms for the first time.

“I was wondering if you’d want to go to the onsen with me.” Her words were low, lacking the enthusiasm she wished she could underpin them with. She flushed slightly, her gaze locked against Eli’s. There was no point in backing out now.

Eli smiled. “Why wouldn’t I?” She said, pulling her hand away from Honoka’s before bringing them to above her head. Leaning back, her back cracked several times. “I need some time to relax. I’m not quite as young as I used to be.”

Honoka giggled. “Me too, Eli-chan, me too.”

Eli tilted her head. “It might do you a world of good too, Honoka. You look really stressed out.”

Honoka tilted her head, feeling a decent amount of pressure as she did. Continuing to tilt, her neck cracked several times. Her eyes widened at the sounds, but the feeling of soothing that accompanied the cracks comforted her. Maybe Eli was right about that.

“Is everything okay, Honoka?” Eli added.

Honoka turned to face her. ‘What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Eli said, “you haven’t been smiling much. You look incredibly stressed out. You’ve been crying more this week than I’ve seen you cry my last year of high school. I know this is supposed to be fake,” Eli huffed, “but I’m concerned either way, Honoka. I promise I didn’t do this to hurt you.”

Honoka’s gaze became more neutral. “Yeah, I guess you can say that. At least back in high school, I had a direction I could take. I just haven’t been able to find that in college. There’s so much I can do, but it’s like there’s too much. I told you about how many times I’ve changed majors, right?”

Eli nodded. “I think so.”

Eli’s arm wrapped around Honoka again, pulling her closer to her by the shoulder. “It’s just weird not seeing you like the bright and happy person I knew you as in high school.”

“Yeah,” Honoka huffed. “Nico was talking to me about that, and how a smile would look better on me.”

Eli nodded. “It really does, Honoka. The world smiles with you.”

Honoka nervously leaned into her. “That’s really cute,” Honoka said.

Eli hummed. “It’s true, though, Honoka. I was hoping for a sunbeam when I asked you to be my fake girlfriend.”

Honoka chuckled. “Sorry I haven’t been that good at that.”

“It’s okay,” Eli reassured her. “Anything would have been better than being stuck here alone though, right?”

“I guess.”

“Hmm?”

Honoka gave her a coy smile. “I guess, but that doesn’t really matter now, right? We’re still fake girlfriends?”

Eli nodded. “I think so.”

Honoka nodded in kind. “I think so, too.”

Eli chuckled, turning her attention back to the sign in front of her. “So, Honoka, when do you want to go on this onsen date?”

“Whenever you’re free,” Honoka said, wrapping her arm around Eli and letting her hand rest at her waist. Eli retorted by grabbing her waist in kind. Honoka’s eyes widened for a moment, but as Eli turned to face her, that playful smile disarmed her suspicions. She gave her a wide smile in return, her gaze slowly getting lost in her own.

Eli’s hand found itself resting on Honoka’s further shoulder, pulling her closely against her, their bodies finally flush. Honoka flushed further as she rested against Eli’s form, feeling the warmth radiating from her. Looking up, she could see the slight flush in Eli’s cheeks, her gaze almost lost itself. She leaned in, tilted her head, and her eyelids fluttered shut as her lips met hers.

Honoka’s eyes widened as Eli kissed her, but after the initial shock, she closed her eyes, letting their lips press against one another. There had been no chocolate taste on Eli’s lips but that didn’t stop Honoka from wanting to kiss her. She savored every moment, every sound of their lips pulling away for air, every moment that Eli wanted to lead and every moment she led herself. She could feel herself growing warmer, burning, aching.

Honoka smiled as she pulled away from the kiss, and when her eyes fluttered open, she saw Eli. Her lips were parted, curled slightly upward, almost intoxicated. Her gaze was elsewhere, slowly focusing on Honoka as she realized that the kiss between them ended. Eli smiled afterwards, as if trying to mirror Honoka’s expression.

If only Honoka could ask how much of it was Eli playing along and humoring her.

Eli gave Honoka a slight tug. “We should probably head back to the table, no?” She said, giving her a smile. Eli let her go, only catching her hand once more. Their fingers didn’t twine into one another’s, but Honoka didn’t mind. It was just as effective either way. They strolled back, the low sunset extending their shadows far into the restaurant as they walked along the edge of the pool, their sunlit silhouettes growing closer to the rest of the group who seemed to be waiting for them at the entrance.

Umi tapped her foot. “Honoka, please remember to clean up after yourself.”

Honoka tilted her head. “Sorry, sorry. I wanted to ask Eli-chan a question.”

“But couldn’t you wait for that until you put your dishes away?”

Nozomi rested a hand on Umi’s shoulder. “Umicchi,” she said, “give her an exception.”

Umi turned to face her. “What do you mean by that?”

“Don’cha think it’s nice seein’ Honoka be so gung-ho again?”

Her comment was enough for the frown on Umi’s face to soften a bit, her lips trying not to curl into a smile. She was supposed to be the one making sure Honoka didn’t go overboard. She always did.

Yet, maybe it wasn’t something she needed to do.

“I guess,” Umi said, admitting defeat by reciprocating her lover’s embrace. She turned to look at Honoka for one last comment. “Just make sure not to do it again, okay?”

Honoka nodded. “Don’t worry, Umi-chan! This will never happen again.”

“Hey,” Rin said, stepping between them. “What do you guys think we should do with our evening? I don’t want to be bored, nya!”

The group hummed amongst themselves as they tried to figure out what they wanted to do.

“Arts and crafts?” Hanayo asked.

“We did that earlier today!” Nico whined. “We should go to the beach!”

“Right now?” Kotori asked.

“Yes, right now!”

Honoka’s hand found Eli’s, her fingers softly grazing against her palm before she took her hand in hers. She merely watched as the rest of the group threw ideas around, listening intently to what they all had in mind, and maybe, just maybe, she could find something for them to do all together.

“Everyone!” Honoka called out, listening to the group’s noise dissipation. “I think we should go to the beach and watch the sunset. What do you all think?”

A few moments of silence answered Honoka’s question. Tsubasa nodded.

“I agree with Honoka,” she said. Anyone else in favor of going to the beach?

Most of the group raised their hands; some of the others were too busy embracing one another and not paying attention to the question at hand. With that, Tsubasa turned towards Honoka with a smile.

“I’m glad you’re feeling yourself again, Honoka,” she said before nudging Maki. “I think we should get going.”

And once more, Tsubasa and Maki led the group towards their next destination, the group converging into a blob of bodies behind them that idly chattered amongst themselves about what they should do when they were at the beach, along with dealing with a Nico lamenting about how she wasn’t wearing her bikini.

“Are you sure you want to go swimming now, Nico?” Eli asked. “Won’t the water be cold?”

“But it’s the beach, Eli!” Nico whined. “You can’t go to the beach without a bikini!”

“NIco-chan,” Rin whined, “you can stay at the beach without one. We’ll just look at the sunset, remember?”

Through their walk, Honoka kept her hand in Eli’s. If Eli wasn’t planning on letting go, she saw no reason to let go, either.

Not even when they reached the beach and watched how the water refracted the sun, lighting the sky up in shades of radiant oranges and dim purples, did Honoka see a reason to let go of Eli’s hand. She squeezed it slightly as she took in the sight of the colors dancing along the waves. The sun hid just barely under the horizon, leaving them to see the entire splendor completely uninhibited, and Honoka drank in the sight, the nebula of orange that filled the sky, surrounded by a cold purplish abyss. She wished she could come up with the right words to describe it.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Eli asked, turning towards Honoka.

“It really is,” Honoka remarked, sighing as she leaned against her. The sounds of the waves filled her ears, soothing her just as much as Eli’s embrace. The cool sea breeze brought herself closer to her, wrapping her arms around her as if she were Eli’s coat. Eli reciprocated, sharing their body heat as the cool breeze embraced them. Slowly, Eli lowered herself to the ground to sit, and Honoka followed, trying her best to stay at her pace so they could sit down together.

Honoka looked around the beach. The rest of the group had busied themselves with finding the best place that they could to look at the sunset. Nozomi and Umi were already sitting down a few meters away from them, with Umi’s head resting against Nozomi’s shoulder. Nico and Rin were pointing everywhere, fighting amongst themselves for what Honoka could only assume to be the perfect spot. Kotori and Hanayo held hands as the waves lapped at their toes. Maki and Tsubasa sat at the very edge of the beach, with Tsubasa’s head resting in a flushed Maki’s lap.

Even if there was a slight undercurrent of unease running through Honoka, she felt like she could shake it off. Things felt right, and there was no reason for her to be acting anything outside of content. Honoka rested her head against Eli’s shoulder, sighing softly. It was the most comfortable she ever felt with her.

“Say, Honoka,” Eli said, out of the blue, “do you want to go to the onsen tomorrow?”

Honoka nodded, wanting to be loud enough to be overheard. “Can it be just the two of us?”

Eli chuckled. “Of course, Honoka,” she said, resting her head against Honoka’s. “We’ll go alone tomorrow evening, our own little spa day.”

Honoka liked that idea. She couldn’t wait for it to actually happen. She just hoped that everything could go just as right as it did today.

Eli turned and idly pecked Honoka’s forehead. Her smile grew. There really wasn’t anything more she needed to read out of it, right? She hoped, she thought, but ignorance, in that moment, was bliss, a bliss that she hoped that the rest of the group shared, one that Eli shared with her.

As long as Eli felt that bliss, Honoka wore her smile with a smile, Eli deserved no less to behold from her.

After all, Eli had been her fake girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutouts to Nico, the #1 infodump in the universe! :p


	8. chapter 7: she wears her tie tight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honoka talks with Kotori about how she should prepare for her date, only for her to make a realization about Eli.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's back by some degree of demand! I'm finally continuing this fic, and I know the direction I want to take with it.

Honoka’s greatest treasure in high school was the tie she wore her senior year.

The one she bought was just as much a tie as the others were to her. She went with Kotori and Umi and found the correct green ties at the same uniform store that they always went to. In their senior year, it was a routine established by their years prior: go to the store, buy ties, walk around the streets of Tokyo, maybe even find a cafe to spend time in and talk about their senior year and the student council and all that.

The one she bought wasn’t the one that she wore. She just did it so Kotori and Umi didn’t question her about where she actually got it from. They wouldn’t need to ask anything; they were there when she bought it.

The tie Honoka wore she got at her seniors’ graduation. She couldn’t remember the ritual involved with buying the tie she didn’t even use, but she remembered well the way that the cherry blossoms petals twirled around her, almost like a dreamlike trance; the memory faded in, _vivid, bright, the weight of her blazer on her shoulders like it was the day of Eli’s graduation again and she had just finished singing Aishiteru Banzai to send them off_.

_Honoka smiled as she walked around the courtyard of their school, wistfully talking away about how exciting their next year was going to be. She wished she could remember exactly what they were talking about, but the more she focused on that, the more Kotori and Umi faded away from the picture, their words mumbling into a cloud of noise._

_The next thing Honoka knew was that Eli was standing right in front of her. It had been the first time in a long time she had seen her away from Nozomi. Her smile was glowing, radiant, as it always had been when she was around._

_“Honoka,” Eli said, “Can I see you for a second?”_

_Honoka nodded; through it all, she was still Eli’s successor. She looked back and waved off Kotori and Umi, promising that she’d be back soon after she finished whatever Eli wanted her to do. They nodded, as if it were some student council affair she needed to coach her about--a last-second warning about the stresses of her post-idol path._

_Honoka walked with Eli around the school, their shoes hitting the ground the sole noise filling the air between them. Even through all the work they did together, it was difficult to take glimpses of Eli’s beauty the way she did in that moment, even if she was walking, not facing her. During the day, she was Nozomi’s. During the afternoon, her attention was on µ’s._

_After a bit of distance was between them and the rest of the school, Eli turned around, her hands slipping towards her collar as she undid her tie, slipped it off her neck, and folded it._

_Honoka could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She admired Eli and loved her as a friend, and she knew that this was merely tradition, something that all seniors did. Yet, it hit her as she finished folding it that, with a bow, Eli’s tie was now hers._

_“Thank you, Honoka,” she said, “for teaching me so much about who I am. I didn’t think µ’s would be so important to me at the beginning of the year, but thank you so much for showing me otherwise.”_

_Honoka’s smile grew, her body warming slightly. From afar had been the only place where she could appreciate Eli for all she did; her leadership, her standards, her choreography, her presence. She couldn’t have considered any of it to be reciprocated, but there she was, standing there, with her ribbon in her hands, ready for Honoka to take it._

_Honoka bowed and grabbed it with both her hands. “Thank you so much, Eli-chan.” She brought the ribbon close to her body when she stood up, nuzzling it against the tie she wore. “This means so much to me.”_

_“From student council president to student council president,” Eli reassured before leaning in coyly. “If you wear it, you’ll have my guidance by your side.”_

_The way Eli smiled made it clear that she was joking, but the words felt much more like an invitation. She’d have Eli looking over her, even if it was just in spirit, as she managed a club she never thought she’d manage on top of the rest of her school life._

_Although, to whomever she said something like that to about the ribbon she gave to her kouhai--the one she bought from the store--she’d lie through her teeth. It was an innocent lie; like she’d ever let go of Eli’s._

_It was too special to her. She couldn’t let go of a gift. She squeezed at her ribbon tightly as the sky grew brighter, brighter, brighter…_

_...and from blue to_ the color of the ceiling above her, a bright white dimmed by curtain-covered windows and accentuated by a dying night light. There was no blazer, just her pajamas. There was no ribbon, just the blankets she squeezed.

But there was Eli, in the bed besides her, alone, without Nozomi. She had been without her for years, a memory faded.

Honoka squeezed her blankets. If only it were that simple.

Honoka laid in her bed, fingers idly running up and down her blanket as if it were Eli’s ribbon the day she received it. Rolling onto her side, she opened up the drawer the nightstand between them had, revealing her earrings. More trinkets from Eli, more treasures. She wished she could make her chocolate mochi to thank her.

She closed the drawer and reached her hands towards Eli’s bed, a stretch trying to bring her across the gulf between them. Eli rolled onto her side, facing Honoka as her body dared to fall off the edge of the bed. Honoka brought herself closer, hoping it’d help remove the space between.

Honoka brought her arm down only when Eli’s eyelids fluttered open.

“Good morning, Honoka.”

“Good morning, Eli-chan,” Honoka replied, bringing a hand to stifle a yawn.

“Sleep well?” Eli chuckled.

Honoka nodded before rolling onto her back and pushing herself off of it, sitting up with an energized smile on her face. “I’m ready for today!”

Eli pulled herself out of bed and brought her hands above her head. She yawned as she stretched. “Do you still want to go to the onsen today?”

Honoka’s smile quivered. Caught up in her dream, she hadn’t even realized that she asked about that yesterday. She forgot she set up a date. “Of course!” Honoka said, turning to face her with her faltering smile.

Eli looked back at her and gave a smile of her own. “I can’t wait,” she said, giving Honoka a wink.

Honoka stood her ground. As much as she wanted to be taken aback by her wink, she wanted to push forth, forget what Nico said. Surely, Nozomi wasn’t a part of the issue anymore, but that didn’t matter. Eli was acting flirtatious about a date, alone, together.

“Me neither,” Honoka replied, watching as Eli grabbed a change of clothes from her suitcase and headed towards the bathroom.

The door closed. Honoka gulped.

She threw her blanket aside and stepped out of bed before immediately darting towards her suitcase. Pulling it from under her bed and opening it, she looked through her clothes; below the disorganized heap of her worn clothes were her fresh clothes, neatly rolled. She brushed the heap aside, covering the compartment which hid her flower-print yutakas. Her fingers crawled along each shirt, each pair of shorts and each skirt, each piece of underwear and each pair of socks. She grabbed haphazardly at an orange shirt, black skirt, and made sure the rest of her outfit matched.

Normally, it didn’t matter what underwear she wore, but in a changing room with Eli, it was inevitable that a peek would happen. They _were_ supposed to be girlfriends, right? Swallowing those thoughts along with her pride, she stripped down, ready to change into her outfit.

The door rattled behind her.

“Hold on a second!” Honoka yelled as she slipped her underwear on.

“Okay,” Eli remarked, “tell me when you’re ready!”

After a few seconds of slipping her clothes on, Honoka pulled a curtain aside, the sun’s light immediately flooding the room. Honoka winced at the sudden shock, her body recoiling as she grew adjusted to the light, but once she was ready, she looked at herself in the mirror of her window. Everything fit well and looked good. Her fingers ran across her skirt for good measure, making sure all the pleats were orderly.

The one thing she was missing were some earrings to complete the look, and Honoka knew exactly where to look: the drawer of their nightstand, containing the seashell earrings Eli made her yesterday.

In retrospect, they clashed with the look, but that didn’t matter. They looked cute because they were Eli’s gifts. They were cute, and she was happy to wear them.

“Okay, Eli-chan, I’m ready!”

* * *

“I’m so not ready, Kotori-chan!”

Honoka paced around Kotori’s room, her fingers fidgeting against her palms as they curled and uncurled. Kotori laid upon her bed, chewing on the penultimate bite of a pastry she snuck out from the restaurant; the final bite, a piece of chocolate danish, was pinched between her fingers.

“Ready for what, Honoka-chan?”

Honoka turned to face Kotori, her eyes wide with the realization that she dragged her out of the restaurant, declaring it an “absolute emergency,” without telling Kotori what she was even talking about at all. She took a deep breath, giving herself enough time and air to take a few steps back and start from the beginning of her story.

At least, the stuff that mattered.

“I’m going on a date with Eli-chan tonight, Kotori-chan!”

Kotori tilted her head, lips curling slightly into a smile. “That’s so cute! Where are you two going?”

Honoka took another deep breath, trying her best to fight back the flush that fought to race into her cheeks. “The onsen.”

Kotori’s smile grew wider, as did her eyes. “Ooh! Are you going to one of the private ones?”

“They have private onsens here!?” Honoka spat out her words as if they were a sip of tea.

“Of course they do! So many young couples come here that it’s surprising they even have public ones, you know?”

“Do I need to reserve one in advance?” Honoka asked, her hands shaking slightly. All the drama and conflict and crying to get to where she was, and there was the chance that their date had to be delayed due to something as simple as not reserving the onsen. Even if she could convince whoever was in charge of the onsens to give them a private one for a few hours, it didn’t ease the wave of dread that crashed through her body. Instinctively, Honoka reached for her purse.

“Excuse me for a second, Kotori-chan,” she said, trying her best not to let her nerves be too apparent. She turned it on and opened her messages with Eli, pausing a moment to read their previous conversation, a reminder of their somewhat-unsuccessful second “practice” date. Before she could dwell too much on it, though, she started typing.

_eli-chan do we need to reserve one of the private onsens?_

She sent it and slipped her phone back into her purse, returning her attention back onto Kotori, who just tilted her head and gave her a smile and passive giggle.

“I’m sorry,” Kotori said, “but it’s just so you to forget to reserve an onsen before an onsen date, Honoka-chan.”

Honoka smiled nervously. “You think so?”

Kotori smiled. “It’s really cute. You’ve always been so forward about what you want. I’m sure Eli-chan loves that about you.”

Honoka nodded. She felt like any response she could have given her would have been sarcastic or would be taken the wrong way. “Thank you,” was the best she could give, but it was enough for Kotori to keep smiling.

“But what’s troubling you about this, Honoka-chan?”

Honoka’s purse buzzed. She pulled her phone out from it, vibrating against her hand. She turned it on, seeing a message from Eli.

_Don’t worry! I was able to reserve one once you left to talk with Kotori. We have it for an hour and a half at 21:00._

_Don’t be late! ;)_

If that wink wasn’t in some way a playful taunt, then Honoka had no idea what it was. With a sigh of relief, she slipped her phone back into her purse. Then, she returned her attention to Kotori.

“I don’t know what to wear for this, Kotori-chan! I’m not sure if I need to dress up more because it’s a date, or if I should stick to wearing street clothes, or if I should put on a robe!” She collapsed on the bed beside Kotori’s. “I was hoping you’d have some advice. You’re good with fashion and stuff.”

Kotori looked at Honoka for a second with a slightly judgmental look. “I’m more a costume designer. I’m not really the best with how clothes would look.” However, with a once-over, Kotori was able to reassure Honoka. “Your clothes do look cute together, Honoka-chan. I’m not sure why you’d want my input on it.”

“I just want to look my best for tonight, Kotori-chan!” Honoka said, sitting up in bed as if waking up from a terrible nightmare. “This is my first time going on an onsen date with Eli-chan, and I’m not sure what I should be wearing!” Honoka’s lips fell into a frown as she spoke, her gaze softening slightly. “I’m just nervous that I won’t look good in front of Eli-chan,” she mumbled. “What if she knows what to wear?”

Kotori squinted at Honoka, as if she were observing her like she was a model. She stood up from her bed and walked around Honoka’s bed, her fingers resting at her chin like she was stroking an imaginary beard. After she reached the furthest end of the bed Honoka sat on, Kotori sat down, right next to her, her eyes wide like a lightbulb went off in her head.

“A smile.”

Honoka tilted her head and gave Kotori a questioning look. “A smile?”

“You look your cutest when you smile, Honoka-chan. I’m sure Eli-chan wouldn’t mind you wearing clothes that don’t fit the mood if you’re smiling.” It sounded stereotypical. It was the same advice that Nico gave her in the bathroom.

She thought about the night before, when she actually followed that advice. Sure, the smile in the beginning was faked, but at the end, it felt genuine. It was genuine. Nico was right about what she said, and Kotori was right there, the fashionista, giving her opinion. Honoka gave a small smile before turning to face Kotori.

“Like this?”

Kotori’s smile grew wider. “Exactly like that, Honoka-chan! You’ll have the whole world jealous of Eli-chan if you can smile like that when you’re with her.”

Honoka’s next words she choked on. She couldn’t let them out. _But what if I’m faking it_? She tried again.

“What if I’m too nervous to smile?”

Kotori tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

Honoka brought her knees towards her chest. “You know when you’re walking down the sidewalks with Hanayo-chan and you wonder if you should be holding her hand because you’re nervous?”

Kotori pursed her lips for a moment. “Back when I was falling in love with her, yes. Our first few dates were kind of awkward, thinking about it.” Kotori flushed, letting out a slightly nervous giggle. “We were so young back then. So nervous about making the first move. How long have you two been going out?”

“A month.”

Kotori smiled, without any doubt she once had. “That would explain it. Do you want some advice for that, Honoka-chan?”

“Yes, please!” Honoka brought her hands to Kotori’s shoulder, pushing herself a bit too close to her. Not that she cared; nerves were taking over and she was ready to hear some advice. Kotori and Hanayo seemed like the sturdiest relationship--or at least the one most comfortable with being around each other in public--so she hoped she could take this advice to heart.

After a lengthy pause, Kotori began. “If you’re feeling nervous about something, just follow your heart. If you want to hold hands, grab her hand. I promise you it’ll leave you both smiling. Eli-chan would love it. I’m just surprised she’s also love-shy.”

“Eli-chan’s totally love shy.” Honoka remarked. “It’s honestly really cute. Eli-chan is incredibly mature at first blush, but the more you get to know her, the more you see just how cute she is. She’s pretty clumsy, she stumbles with her words sometimes, we have a night light because of her. It’s really cute. She tries to make up for it with a lot of cute names and being affectionate, too.”

Kotori smiled. “She’d totally reach for your hand then!”

Honoka nodded. “She probably would, especially if I brushed my fingers against the back of her hand. She’s incredibly trustworthy, too. Like, even through everything, she’s been right at my side, and when she’s not, I can feel her looking over me, like a guardian angel. It’s really precious.”

As those words left her lips, it all hit her, all at once.

_“If you wear it, you’ll have my guidance by your side.”_

She had been there all this time, in her most prized possession. Through grueling university admission exams, the stress of the student council, their bittersweet graduation; Eli was there, in spirit, in her tie, and her spirit was there as a memento on her desk in her dorm in college.

_“Oh, Honoka, some things really don’t change, do they?”_

It never changed for her. She always wanted this. She was always ready to be there, even through the worst of it. She was there, as reliably as she could be, even if she couldn’t be there in person. At her side.

_“It’ll be awkward. Everyone’s going to be there, and they all have µ’s girlfriends, right?”_

Was she scared that Honoka didn’t know how she’d fit in after five years of not being with µ’s, and welcomed her with warm arms even if nobody else did? Was she really so wonderful to think of that and make it about herself so she didn’t realize until now? 

How could she be so blind to see it?

“Honoka-chan? Are you okay?”

She snapped back to reality, her vision hazy with her tears. She brought a hand to her cheek, wiping off the trails of tears that had landed on her skirt. Eli really would have done that for her in exchange for kisses and hugs. Maybe she didn’t even need those.

“I’m okay,” Honoka remarked, the weight of Kotori’s body wrapping around her causing her to sob a bit more loudly. “I promise. I’m just realizing how much Eli cares about me. She’s really special, Kotori-chan.”

Kotori smiled. “Of course she does, Honoka-chan. Even if you two have been going out for a month, you two are still a couple.”

Her kind words of reassurance weren’t enough to stop Honoka from crying. Yet, as she cried, she felt the weight on her shoulders finally breaking off of her, each shard of torment scraped off by Kotori’s gentle fingertips grazing her back. There was nothing stopping her now, if she knew that, in her own way, Eli loved her, and she cried, crying out the aches and pains that had lingered since their first phone call, the doubts and divisions in her mind.

They weren’t going to bother her anymore. She had no place to doubt Eli. She was too good to her to do anything bad. She trusted her. She had seen the worst of her and held her through it, pulling her close and telling her that she’d be there. And through it all, she was herself, even if she wore her heart on her sleeve a bit too much for comfort. That was just who she was.

“I love Eli-chan so much…” Honoka sobbed, straightening herself up. She pulled away from Kotori, her breathing deep and controlled. She needed to focus on herself now, to give Eli a reason to love her.

No, to give her a reason to keep loving her.

“Honoka-chan,” Kotori muttered.

“Oh, shoot,” Honoka said as she brought a hand to her face. “I’ll have to reapply my mascara for the onsen date, don’t I?”

Kotori tilted her head. “I don’t know why you’d want to wear makeup at an onsen. Won’t it wash off?”

Honoka paused for a moment, wiping tears from the underside of her eyes. “I guess you’re right,” she giggled.

“You are pretty red in the face, though. You wanna stay here?”

Honoka nodded. There wasn’t a reason for her to leave, not even as the door to the outside world opened.

“I’m home!” Hanayo called out.

“Welcome back,” Honoka said.

“Welcome back, dear!” Kotori remarked.

“Oh, hi, Honoka-chan,” Hanayo said as she approached the bed. “Are you okay?”

Kotori turned to face Hanayo. “She’s been having some trouble with love. She got together with Eli-chan not that long ago, and she’s still learning how to be in love.”

Hanayo smiled. “Aww,” she said. “I didn’t think you’d struggle with love, Honoka-chan!”

Honoka smiled warmly. It was embarrassing hearing Kotori and Hanayo talk amongst themselves about her struggling and being new, but what else could she call it? At least her flush was hidden by her crying-reddened face.

“Actually,” Honoka elaborated, “I was asking Kotori-chan about what I should wear for an onsen date I have later tonight.”

“Awwwwww,” Hanayo cooed, her smile growing. “With Eli-chan?”

Honoka nodded. “Of course it’s with Eli-chan! I didn’t know what to wear for an onsen date, though.”

“Is it a private onsen?” Hanayo asked.

“Mhm!” Honoka nodded, pulling out her phone to show Hanayo the texts that Eli sent her. “Eli-chan reserved it earlier today!”

Kotori smiled. “I’m pretty sure that means you two will be naked in the onsen.”

Hanayo blushed. Honoka stammered.

“Of course we’ll be naked in the onsen!” Honoka said, hoping that she was still red from crying. “I was more wondering about what I should wear when we’re _going_ to the onsen!”

“I don’t think that matters too much!” Hanayo remarked, her words a bit forceful. Kotori stood up and brought a hand to Hanayo’s shoulder, fingers idly digging into her as if giving a lazy massage.

“I agree with Hanayo-chan, Honoka-chan. As long as you’re comfortable with her, it doesn’t matter too much! After all,” she paused, but the smirk she shot Honoka told the rest of the sentence for her. She wanted to reach for the neckline of her shirt and pull it aside, as if signaling to Kotori that she was going too far.

Yet, if they were going to an onsen, they would be naked together, right? They had done it before, but it was with the rest of µ’s. It was different this time around, though; they were _alone_. Honoka didn’t know why, but it seemed more awkward the more she thought about it.

“Can we change the subject, Kotori-chan?”

Honoka’s request came not from her own lips, but from a nervous Hanayo, who had turned to face her girlfriend to make her plea. Said plea was met by Kotori kissing Hanayo on the forehead, a warm smile on her lips and gaze in her eyes. She nuzzled against her for a few moments, her arms wrapping idly around her, as if in apology for discomforting her. The sight of it made Honoka smile.

It also filled her with determination to mirror what she saw in front of her, not precisely, but enough to show that she was ready for tonight.

“Actually,” Honoka said as she stood up from the bed, “do you know if Eli-chan’s around?”

“She might be in your room,” Kotori said. “I wouldn’t know.”

Hanayo looked at Honoka and gave a shrug in response.

“I’m gonna check, then. Thank you so much, you two! I promise we’ll talk later! And it doesn’t have to be about this date! Promise!” Honoka walked over to the door and slipped her flip-flops on.

“Bye, Honoka-chan!”

“Talk soon, Honoka-chan!”

“Bye-bye!” Honoka called out as she opened the door and stepped outside, only for her to head over a few doors down to her place. Pulling out her card key from her purse, she put it in the lock and opened the door. Nonchalantly, she entered the room.

“I’m home!”

No response. It wasn’t completely unexpected, but the silence that filled the room disappointed her slightly. There she was, ready to make a huge declaration of love, one that transcended the stupid relationship barriers they arbitrarily made for themselves, all without realizing that Eli could have been anywhere. Honoka let out a sigh as she kicked her flip-flops off her feet and headed towards her bed to lay down on it.

She made sure to pull her phone out of her bag beforehand so it was with her as she collapsed onto the bed, letting out a groan in the process. She really set herself up for disappointment this time around. It wasn’t going to let her be stopped, though: she could just send Eli another message.

_hey eli-chan where are you? im in the hotel and i need to tell you something_

Honoka put her phone besides herself after sending it, looking up towards the ceiling. She dug her heel into the bed behind her, feeling the anticipation coursing through her body. All she could do was wait, linger, hope that her phone will buzz and Eli would have sent a text right back to her, but the longer she laid there, the longer she spent waiting, hoping for it to happen like some sort of miracle.

Honoka didn’t fault Eli for not messaging her. She was the one who initially decided to split up for the morning so she could talk with Kotori. If anything, Honoka was just a bit too impatient, for when she picked up her phone to check out if Eli had messaged her, the screen lit up and her phone buzzed in her hand.

_Sorry, Honoka! I’m in Nozomi’s room. I’ll be in our room in a few minutes._

Honoka smiled. At least she wasn’t completely ignored. As much as she wanted to bother Eli with her questions, she knew that it would be rude. It wasn’t like she left the restaurant with Kotori in tow for tangible reasons. How would she be able to tell Rin and Nico that she was going on a date and wanted help from Kotori? Whatever could have been thought, she looked up to the ceiling again, waiting out the few minutes before she heard the door opening.

Eli looked presentable. She stood tall with her shoulders back and her clothes weren’t ruffled in the slightest. Her purse rested against her side, its contents not daring to peek out. She didn’t look exhausted at all, enough for Honoka’s fears to be completely extinguished. She sat up on her bed.

“I’m home!”

“Welcome back! How’s Nozomi-chan?”

“Nozomi’s Nozomi.” Eli said as she kicked her sandals off and stepped into the room. “You know how it is with her.”

“I guess so,” Honoka remarked, her gaze nervously following Eli as she sat down on the bed beside her. “What were you talking about with her?”

“Nothing important,” Eli said. “What about you and Kotori?”

Honoka stood up from her bed and sat down next to Eli on hers. She shrugged. “Nothing that important.”

Eli’s hand objected to her answer, finding comfort on Honoka’s knee. Her fingers were cold. “Nothing important enough for you to miss breakfast bread?”

Eli unzipped her purse and reached into it, before showing Honoka a small loaf of bread she had in a plastic bag. She pulled it out and tossed it into Honoka’s lap.

She really did care.

“I guess,” Honoka said as her gaze darted down to the bread in front of her. She reached for it and extracted it out of the bag before returning her attention to Eli. “Were you able to get the onsen for tonight?”

“I already messaged you that, silly!” Eli said, gently nudging Honoka. “We have it at 21:00 until it closes. I’m not sure how long we’ll be in there, mind you, but we’ll have at most three hours.”

Honoka bit into her bread. “Thank you, Eli-chan! You’re really reliable!”

Eli chuckled, leaning slightly into Honoka’s frame. “I try to be, Honoka.”

Honoka took another bite of the bread and hummed with delight. “This is amazing, Eli-chan!”

Eli smiled. “I just saw that you were in a rush during breakfast, and I was surprised you didn’t grab some bread on your way out.”

Honoka took another bite. It was filled with strawberry jam. Her eyes widened at the tastes of her two favorite foods, the sweetness of the jam, the light and buttery bread, the symphony of taste they made. It was too much. It was simply too much.

“Strawberry bread?” Honoka asked. “Eli-chan, you’re amazing!”

She put her bread aside to pull her into a tight embrace, one that Eli was quick to reciprocate. Her smile grew wider and wider as she indulged in her warmth, the comfort of her hands as they idly drew shapes on her back, the chuckles she held back in her breathing.

“Thank you, thank you,” Eli remarked before giving Honoka’s temple an idle kiss.

“No, no!” Honoka remarked. “I should be thanking you, Eli-chan! You’ve been so amazing to me, and I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done! You’re such an amazing g--”

Honoka’s words were interrupted by Eli’s lips against her own. Honoka’s eyes widened for a moment before they fell shut, humming sweetly into the warmth of their kiss. She could be lost in this forever, following the slow motions of Eli’s lips as they kissed, dancing together. Being together. It felt unrestrained, teasing; Eli’s tongue ran itself along Honoka’s lips for a few moments before dipping back into her mouth. It was a different kind of kiss entirely.

This was the kind of kiss Eli had been practicing for, and it was the kind of kiss that left Honoka huffing as she pulled away, her pants soon to be accompanied by Eli’s silence. Honoka opened her eyes, her gaze captured in Eli’s, as comforting as it was cold.

“Does it matter what we call ourselves, Honoka?”

The coldness in her eyes melted, and her hand took Honoka’s, fingers slowly intertwining between one another. The words captured her off-guard, a stark contrast to her actions. Honoka huffed. As much as she wanted to, in that moment, break it all and use the right words, Eli made clear her thoughts.

“I guess not,” Honoka said, her smile growing slightly uncomfortable. “As long as we can be together, I don’t mind if we call ourselves whatever, _life partner_.”

“Life partner?” Eli asked, pulling herself in to give the corner of Honoka’s lips an idle kiss. “Where’d you come up with that one?”

“Nico-chan,” she remarked.

“Oh, Nico,” Eli giggled. “She’s really something, isn’t she?”

Honoka nodded. “She really is.”

Eli nodded. “Well, if she came up with it, I’m fine using it for myself, partner.”

“Week partner?” Honoka murmured.

Eli shook her head as she leaned in and closed her eyes, capturing another kiss from Honoka. With a hum, she pulled away.

“It doesn’t matter what we call each other, Honoka. You’re caring too much about it.”

Honoka nodded, her free hand idly coming through Eli’s hair, admiring its softness.

“Do you want to do anything before we go to the onsen, _girlfriend_?”

Eli giggled. “Is there anything you want to do, dear?”

Honoka hummed for a few seconds. “Can’t we stay here, like this, for a bit? You’re really warm.”

Eli nodded. “I don’t see why not.”

And so they laid against each other, enjoying the way that they breathed against one another, the way their hands ran through each other’s hair, their company, their presence. It was like they were finally together.

Practice was over. It was finally over. In the comfort of their room, without any eyes glancing upon them, they were finally together, finally free to be with one another, in the warm grasp they shared between them. It didn’t matter that it was merely momentary; this moment would be like her earrings, her tie, the messages they shared; the things that Honoka could remember about her and hold as keepsakes and have for her scrapbook. Even if a hug was impossible to chronicle like a necktie, she at least knew that for the moment, she was with Eli.

“Thank you, Eli-chan,” Honoka murmured against her. “Thank you so much.”

Eli shushed her. 

“I love you.”

A pause. Then, from Eli.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ADVANCE WARNING: the next chapter is going to change the rating of this fic from a T to an M. Even the rating's going to reflect the relationship "upgrade."


	9. chapter 8: ascension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honoka and Eli go on their onsen date, and they finally reveal how they feel to one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, everyone! This has just been an incredibly long and difficult chapter for me to write. I can't really describe how it feels to actually have reached this part of the fic, and given the length of this chapter and how it covers basically only one scene, and how much happens here, I'm honestly surprised that I've been able to do this chapter as quickly as I have.
> 
> Without further ado, though, chapter 9: chapter 8 is here!

“Are you ready, Honoka?”

She was not ready, and Eli yelling at her through the bathroom door did not help. She looked herself over in the mirror again, and once more, tucking the bangs that fell loose behind her ear. She checked her top once more; there weren’t any stains or creases that would bring Eli’s attention anywhere suspicious--not that it would matter when they reached the onsen. It didn’t make her any less nervous, though. The butterflies in her stomach would stop for nothing.

Even if she wasn’t ready, she didn’t have any excuses left to make. If she made herself clear that she was nervous--it was a _date_ , the one part of college she had skimped in her pursuit of grades--Eli would whisk her away to the onsen, their walk filled with reaffirmations that the heat would make her feel better. She could only style her hair for so long, especially with her hair down, as naturally as she could make it.

Eli knocked on the door, and Honoka withheld a gasp. “We don’t have much time to get to the onsen, Honoka!”

Honoka looked at herself in the mirror once more, squinting at herself. Honoka was not a quitter. Not when she was sick, and definitely not now. This was just another leap of faith she’d have to make. She turned on the faucet and cupped her hands under the water flow, tossing the fool water onto her face for one last pick-me-up. No more games. This was what she got herself into.

This was what she wanted. Eli wasn’t playing with her anymore. This was what she wanted, too.

“Give me a second!” Honoka yelled through the door before flushing the toilet. That was a perfect excuse to use. She kept the sink on and washed her hands; if she didn’t, she wouldn’t be sure if she was spending too long of a time washing them or not. It had to be somewhat believable, after all.

She grabbed the doorknob and opened the door. Eli stood there, her gaze slightly exasperated, in her street clothes. Once she focused on Honoka, Eli’s gaze grew focused, and the concern shaping her lips faded into a smile.

“Thank goodness, Honoka,” Eli said, taking Honoka’s hand in hers. “I was getting worried for a second.”

Honoka nervously giggled. ‘“Sorry, Eli-chan. I’m not really used to dating…”

Eli paused, her thumb nervously grazing across the back of Honoka’s hand. “Neither am I,” she said. Not that Honoka cared whether she had dated anyone in the past or not. “It’s okay though,” she continued. “It’s something we can work on together.”

Honoka tilted her head, stepping closer to Eli and pulling the bathroom door shut behind her. “I think so too, Eli-chan.”

Eli squeezed Honoka’s hand, bringing it to her side. “You really think so, Honoka?”

Honoka smiled, tugging their hands to her side. “Of course, Eli-chan! Why would I have a reason not to?”

Eli looked down at the ground for a few seconds. When Honoka tried to gaze into her eyes, she glanced away. She squeezed at Honoka’s hand for a second, and then released it. Honoka’s hand felt lonely even if she was just reaching for the doorknob, and once the door was opened, her hand returned to Honoka’s, which she squeezed sentimentally. She wasn’t going to be letting go for any reason.

“Eli-chan, look!”

Eli brought her gaze upward, and her eyes widened at the sight before her. Even from their hotel, they were able to see the sun as it dipped into the ocean, scattering its brilliant orange hue in beams that pierced the dark purple sky. Fuschias dominated the horizon, shimmering across the waves and dimming the closer they got to the golden shore. It was a scene almost out of a movie, one which led to Eli squeezing tightly at Honoka’s hand.

“We’ve been here for half a week,” Eli said, “and the sunsets never cease to amaze me.”

“I know!” Honoka said. “They’re always so pretty! I think I’d be fine just standing out here all night long and call that a date.” Honoka nervously turned to Eli, closing her eyes as she giggled. “Right, Eli-chan? Does that sound good to you?”

Eli cupped Honoka’s chin, her thumb grazing across her cheek. Honoka’s eyes opened and her gaze was wide, her warm thumb reddening her skin with every graze she made. She looked into Eli’s eyes; there was nowhere else for her to look except for the brilliant expanse of blue. Her lips curled into a slight smile, one that enticed Honoka as much as it unnerved her. Eli was so pretty.

“We can do that,” Eli said as she leaned in, fluttering her eyes closed. Honoka drew a nervous half-gasp, frozen by Eli’s advance. Never had Eli been so bold with her, so eager to take one of Honoka’s ideas and run with it like she did there. Honoka’s heart beat heavily in her chest as Eli’s nose grazed against hers, her head tilting slightly to invite Eli further in. She fluttered her eyes shut, pursing her lips for her to press her own upon.

When Eli’s lips were flush with Honoka’s, though, she stopped moving, chuckling heavy and hot breaths against her.

“Tomorrow.”

Honoka lazily opened her eyes. “Huh?”

Eli pulled away. “You don’t want to know how many hoops I had to go through to rent a private onsen. I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely going to be using it all I can!” Eli seemed almost giddy, as if the onsen gave away free chocolate bars. With a tug to her arm, Eli even seemed hellbent on leading the way.

“Oh, of course!” Honoka said as she was spirited away, immediately matching the pace of Eli’s power walking. She didn’t want to follow, to feel like Eli was dragging her along. This was their date, and this was her idea, not Eli’s. She was going to deal with the consequences.

Eli slowed down after they descended the stairs, their sandals smacking the paved walkways. Honoka enjoyed where she was as they walked, being able to look at both Eli and the equally-beautiful sun-drenched seashore that acted as a backdrop in one glance. She was the main reason why she was so worried about the date; Eli was simply beautiful, almost intimidatingly so. Even if they had a less rocky start to their relationship, she would have felt nervous about going on an onsen with her, alone.

She was caught staring. Eli tilted her gaze so it met with Honoka’s, and she gave her a warm smile. “The sunset’s really beautiful, isn’t it?”

Honoka nodded. “Mhm.” She could have easily taken that moment to compliment her, and after a slight bit of deliberating, enough to be a pregnant pause to Eli’s ears, she continued. “It suits you.”

Eli cocked an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Honoka stammered, Eli’s curious question disarming her slightly. Regardless, she pushed forth. “I-i-it’s just that you’re really pretty, Eli-chan! You’ve always been!”

Eli flushed slightly, her smile fading slightly as she brought her other hand to her cheek. “Oh, you…”

Eli slowed to almost a stop. Honoka tugged on her hand. “Come on, Eli-chan! Don’t you wanna get to the onsen on time?”

That was enough for her to pick up the pace to something Honoka was comfortable with. Honoka continued to lead the way, idle chatter filling the air between them as they reached the pool. Then, it was Eli’s turn to tug on Honoka’s arm.

Honoka paused. “What’s up, Eli-chan?”

Eli pointed towards the bar. “Do you want to get anything before we go to the onsen?”

Honoka thought about what Eli said. She was obviously asking if she wanted to get a drink. Honoka wasn’t one to drink often, usually to celebrate big life events. The more she mulled it over, though, the more she looked at Eli, and the slight deviousness that was in her smile. Maybe it was for the best, something to help ease the tension when they’d be alone, naked, trying to figure out exactly what to say and how to say it.

On the other hand, maybe those tensions were for the better, and the shortcuts that booze could provide had a chance of failing to work out in the best way. Maybe it was best for her to gauge what was on Eli’s mind. 

“I don’t know,” Honoka said. “What do you think?”

Eli tapped her toes against the sole of her sandal for a few seconds before continuing down the path they took, deciding to skip the bar entirely. “We should definitely get a drink together sometime,” Eli said, almost as a consolation, as they left the bar behind, deciding on going to the onsen instead.

Eventually, they made it past the sign where they had first cried in each other’s arms, to the large, wooden building that had stood in front of that intersection, one that loomed over them whenever they talked about the onsen: it was the onsen itself. A stately, sturdy building, Honoka felt intimidated by its presence, but maybe it was just because she knew it was the one thing that was left between her and this date.

Not that Eli had anything to say about it; she grabbed the door’s handle and pulled it open with a slight huff. Honoka slipped into the building, giving Eli an appreciative “thank you” for opening the door. Eli laughed as she closed the door behind her and kicked her sandals off. Honoka did the same, kicking her sandals off and slipping them into the sandal racks that flanked the sides of the small foyer area. Each of the racks had white slippers, ones that Honoka and Eli both curiously took for themselves and slipped on before they entered the lobby.

The lobby was spacious, rows of empty folding chairs filling an otherwise empty space floored by bamboo planks. Several rows away was the counter, with a receptionist standing behind it. The receptionist’s red hair, loose and flowing, was the only splash of color between the white walls and the bland decor.

Eli let go of Honoka’s hand and walked forward. Honoka trailed, her hands at her sides, as they approached the receptionist.

“Good evening!” The receptionist said. “Do you have a reservation?”

“We do. It’s under Ayase. We have a private onsen starting at 21:00.”

The receptionist’s purplish gaze fell from Eli and Honoka to the paperwork below. She hummed to herself, a melody that Honoka swore she could recognize from her high school days, as she looked through her schedules. After a bit, she looked up with a smile. “Ayase Eli, of µ’s?”

Eli nodded. “That’s right.”

The receptionist turned towards Honoka. “And you’re Kousaka Honoka, right?”

“That’s me!” Honoka smiled.

The receptionist’s smile grew. “I knew I recognized that name, and your faces. Have either of you kept in touch with Tsubasa?”

Honoka squinted. “Wait a second,” she said before glancing at the receptionist’s name tag. “Anju?”

“That’s me,” Anju replied. “Erena and I decided it would be fun to work here for the summer.”

“Small world,” Honoka said. “Maki-chan and Tsubasa-san invited us to come here for a week!”

Anju giggled. “You’re welcome.”

Eli tilted her head. “Are you and Erena doing well? I’m surprised that you two are working here instead of, well, being idols.”

“Don’t worry, Eli, we’re still idols,” Anju reassured. “We just wanted to take a vacation and see what it was like doing jobs like this. It’s honestly more fun that I thought it would be.”

Eli nodded. “As long as you’re doing alright.”

“Erena’s working at the special restaurant. You should go there sometime.”

“We were gonna do that at the end of the week!” Honoka blurted out.

“Reserve a table in advance,” Anju giggled. “You won’t get in on a Friday night any other way.”

“Thank you, Anju-san!” Honoka cheered.

“I think your onsen is ready, by the way,” Anju said, grabbing a key from under her desk and sliding it across the desktop. “Here’s your key for your locker. It’ll be locker 27 in the women’s room. Your onsen will be the third one on the left after turning left after the changing rooms.”

“Thank you!”

Eli took the key and Honoka bowed. Now it was time for them to enjoy the onsen, just the two of them. Taking Honoka’s hand in hers, she led the way down the sole hall that jutted out and led her through the maze of corridors that led to the women’s changing room. This time, it was Honoka’s turn to hold the door for Eli, who thanked her with a kiss on the forehead before entering the room herself.

The changing room reminded her of the bathroom at the pool, except that it was much smaller and the walls were lined with grey lockers, leaving a gridlike pattern for anyone to walk through, if there were anyone else inside. A bit of walking made clear that Honoka and Eli were alone in the room.

“Honoka!” Eli called out from the entrance, grabbing two towels from a rack that she had not even noticed. Eli lobbed one at her, which she let land in her arms. “You might want this.”

“Thank you, Eli-chan!”

“Have you found our locker yet?”

Honoka looked at the locker in front of her. Whether she was searching or not, she didn’t know, but she was right in front of a locker which bore the number 27 on it. “I’m right in front of it, Eli-chan!”

Eli walked over to where Honoka was and looked at the locker in front of her. Eli pulled the key out and slipped it into the lock, which immediately opened for her with a slight twist of her wrist. She opened the door as widely as she could, and Honoka peeked into it, seeing that it was empty--what else was she expecting?

When Honoka pulled away from the locker, she turned to face Eli, who was busy pulling her shirt off her body. Honoka stepped back in shock, watching as Eli threw her shirt over her head. She couldn’t help herself but look; as much as she hated to admit it, light blue was a nice color on her, and it looked very cute on her as a sports bra. It was hard to express; she knew that she had seen Eli like this before, but that was Eli the friend, Eli the teammate, Eli the idol, Eli the not-her-girlfriend. Would it be too wrong to appreciate how she looked?

Eli turned her head to face Honoka. Maybe it’d be in her best interest to strip out of her clothes, too. She grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled up, revealing herself to her girlfriend. She reassured her that it was like they were swimming together and she was showing her bikini, but there was still that feeling that made her stomach drop, exposing herself to her girlfriend.

_Why does it feel so awkward?_

Honoka paused with her hands grabbing onto the hem of her shirt, watching as Eli peeled her clothes off without a hitch, with either unspeakable confidence or without noticing Honoka’s glances. She was beautiful, every inch of her was flawless. Smooth, muscular, composed, standing as tall as she could. Honoka pushed her shoulders back, throwing her arms upward, trying her best to catch up with her without making a scene.

By the time she was done with her shirt and skirt, Eli was completely naked. Honoka didn’t know whether to stare or look away. She had never seen Eli so naked, so exposed; she was just as beautiful as she had ever been. Even as her girlfriend, though, her gazes felt wrong, like they fondled her too much. Honoka looked at the locker as she finished stripping, picking up her clothes and throwing them in the locker as a ball on top of Eli’s folded garments.

Eli looked at Honoka, her arms outstretched and with a towel in her hands. Honoka quickly took the towel and wrapped it around herself, making sure to cover herself as much as possible. Once she was done, she waited on Eli, who was busy, slow, methodical. Perfection really didn’t come with rushing.

“Come on, Eli!” Honoka said, “I’m so excited!” She wanted to reach out and tug on Eli’s sleeve, only for her to realize moments before reaching forward that her shirt was gone, in the locker that Eli had just closed with a resounding slam. The words felt rushed coming out, almost disgustingly so.

Honoka saw Eli’s hand, outstretched, and then she looked down towards the ground. She felt like she shouldn’t look anymore; she felt guilty for her voyeurism, even if that wasn’t what Eli would call it.

“Come on, Honoka,” Eli echoed, “if we get to the onsen, you can see more.” Her wink made clear her joke was friendly, but even as Honoka grabbed her hand, she couldn’t shake the thoughts that plagued her mind. Was this really okay?

It should have been. Was it okay to ask if it wasn’t?

Honoka walked. She led Eli, even. Anything to prevent her from gazing at Eli, her body, her perfection. It felt so weird to hold her hand, to touch her with her hands. It was almost like a symbol of trust. She squeezed at her hand as she grabbed the door and pulled it open, flashing her a smile as she held it open for her, a smile that stayed there when Eli gave her thanks.

After all, a smile was supposed to make her more like Honoka, right?

“You’re welcome!” Honoka cooed as she once more took the lead, leading them through the maze of corridors and down the halls that Anju had told her to take, and before they knew it, they were greeted by a door with a small, fogged-up window. Eli opened it, and they beheld their onsen, a small, square pool of water surrounded on all ends by concrete, lit by paper lanterns at each corner. As they kicked off their sandals and left them by the door, Honoka could feel the steam across her face. At least, that’s why she thought she was sweating.

“It’s so pretty!” Honoka marveled at the sight before her, looking as far as she could and seeing the snug wooden fence. It was small, secluded, private, the perfect place for them to be alone. It was all she’d hope to see.

“Anju wasn’t kidding about how pretty it is,” Eli remarked, taking Honoka by the hand.

Eli pulled them past the threshold and shut the door behind them. After a few seconds of standing there, hand in hand, Eli let go and headed towards the onsen, slowly walking at a pace that Honoka could easily catch up to. Honoka stood there, marvelling, watching as Eli grew hazy in the steam, watching as she yanked her towel off and threw it off her body like she was at a burlesque show.

Honoka’s eyes grew wide, her heart thumping as Eli’s naked form continued towards the onsen, stopping only as she made it to the edge. Looking over her shoulder, Eli gave her a nod, as if to tell her to stop marvelling and to be where she should be, besides her. Honoka shook her head, clearing her thoughts from her head, and bounded over until she was at the edge of the onsen, right next to Eli.

Eli looked at her, gave her a once-over, and gave a smirk. “You should probably take your towel off, Honoka,” she chided.

How could she forget? With a gulp, Honoka did so, exposing herself once more to her before tossing the towel aside. She stood as tall as she could, trying her best to look the part of a girlfriend, whatever the fuck that meant. She wanted to look cute, hear a compliment from Eli, just anything to let her know that what she was doing was right enough.

“That’s better,” Eli said, making sure to steal a kiss from Honoka’s cheek. Her lips lingered on her, as if she was being savored. Honoka held her breath, feeling the drumming of her heart against her ribs. Once Eli pulled away, Honoka giggled, nervously.

“Thank you, Eli-chan!” Honoka smiled. It was easier to smile now; at her most exposed, Eli kissed her like it was nothing. 

That was enough for her to dip her toes into the warmth of the onsen, followed by her other foot. She submerged herself, her body disappearing into the water below. The warmth held her, caressing her, letting her know the stress that permeated through her body, a reminder that she should have come here even if she didn’t have Eli behind her. It was heavenly, her body warming up in the water. She could feel the toxins leaving her body, the stresses that once held her captive disappearing.

She dipped her head into the water, holding her breath. She could hear her heart beating fast, its tempo reminding her of who was behind her. Yet, she held herself down, letting even those thoughts dissipate in the womb-like warmth of the water. It was perfect. It was pure comfort. It was time for her to resurface, and as she did, she let out a groan of pleasure, one that wanted to leave before she even dipped her head into the water. It was all so good.

“Come on in, Eli-chan!” Honoka said, her voice loud but slow. “The water’s fine!” She kicked her legs out and sat down on the onsen, her neck and head peeking out of the water. She brought a hand up to the surface of the water for her to pat, as if to tell Eli to sit down right there. She only moved her hand as Eli dipped her toes into the water, resting it against her side.

Honoka watched in the corner of her eye as Eli descended, her body almost disappearing underneath the water. Once she was situated, sitting down right next to Honoka, she stretched her arms upward, letting out a groan of relief as well. As her arms descended, one wrapped around Honoka, resting against her further shoulder, as if it were an invitation to cuddle. As Eli leaned into her, Honoka accepted the invitation, albeit with a bit of hesitation.

Honoka could feel the lump in her throat growing more. Eli felt too comfortable with this, something she realized as Eli pulled her close enough for their sides to be pressed against one another. Her fingers clasped onto Honoka’s shoulder with no intention of letting go. This was their date, and Eli was going to make sure it lasted all the time it could. Honoka nervously wrapped an arm around Eli’s torso.

Still, Honoka felt weird.

Was it wrong to feel weird about this, though? Was it wrong for her to feel concern when Eli and the water both embraced her, as if trying to tell her that everything was fine? Even after all the time she spent away, and even when all of this might as well have been an accident? Through moments where she felt her heart growing heavier and all she could think of saying was “sorry,” even when it’d lead to more questions than answers?

It wasn’t weirdness Honoka was feeling. It was guilt, the same kind of guilt she felt when she looked at Eli stripping. Even if Eli was trying to make it comfortable, Honoka couldn’t reciprocate that comfort. Eli smiled with barely an issue, even without the reassurances that Honoka felt like she needed. Not that the water wasn’t comfortable and soothing, nor was it that Eli’s embrace wasn’t warm and inviting. It felt like it was for the wrong person, not for someone like her.

“You were right, Honoka!” Eli broke the silence. “The water’s really wonderful! This onsen date was such a good idea!”

It wasn’t even on her mind. It was the closest they had been, and yet the furthest. Maybe there was a bit of luck to Eli paying more attention to the water, and that she didn’t have to think about those thoughts, the ones that had made this whole vacation so much worse for her, the ones that made getting so close to Eli so difficult.

The ones that happened between Eli giving her that ribbon and now, and not the ones she wished she could have had.

“Yeah, isn’t it?” Honoka asked, trying her best not to think of all of what was on her mind. As long as Eli didn’t care, she could pretend that she, too, didn’t care. Even if it didn’t feel right to keep it bottled in.

“We really should have come here earlier. I’m already starting to feel like I’m in high school again!”

Honoka smiled and nodded, letting out a slightly-nervous giggle. “I agree. Nothing beats an onsen to get all those bad feelings out, huh?”

Eli nodded, looking up to the sky. Honoka looked up as well, a few dark, wispy clouds covering a strangely-starless sky. “Totally. The only thing that could make this better is if we could see the stars.” Eli hummed to herself, looking back down to the pool, at the paper lanterns that made the perimeter of their spring, “but I guess that these lanterns are just as pretty.”

“They’re really pretty!” Honoka protested.

“They definitely give this onsen some character,” Eli said, pulling Honoka closer into her. “It’s a beautiful place for a beautiful date with a beautiful girlfriend, don’t you think, Honoka?”

“Eli-chan?” Honoka asked, pushing herself a bit more into Eli’s body. She was warm, and her gaze was inviting as it met hers.

“What’s up, Honoka?” Eli asked, tilting her head slightly. “Is something on your mind?”

“Aren’t we a bit close?”

Not that she minded the distance between them, nor did she feel weird having their bodies pressed against one another. It was comforting, in a weird way. She wasn’t sure why she didn’t like being so close, but there was something off about it to her. Even as Eli eased her grip on her and Honoka was able to float away a bit, she couldn’t help but feel awkward.

Bad. Bad was the right word. Even as she drifted towards and away from her, there never was a place where she felt truly comfortable. It was always too close or too far. She wished she could be subtle, trying her best to figure things out without Eli noticing, but before she could even finish her wish, Eli spoke once more.

“Honoka?”

_Why does this feel wrong?_

Honoka bit at her tongue, trying to keep the words from flowing out. This wasn’t going to end up well if she even tried to bring it up. That wasn’t what they were in the onsen for. This was for relaxation, time together, to liberate herself, not to taste the seduction of her downward spiral, not to lay her pains clear for her to pick through.

All that she could do was apologize.

“I’m…” Honoka huffed, her breath hitching, “really sorry, Eli-chan.”

Eli tilted her head. “Sorry?”

Honoka winced at Eli’s question. Even her apologies opened that gate, the one she didn’t want to think about. If she were going to be digging into this, she might as well make herself comfortable. Honoka grabbed Eli’s shoulder, pulling her so that they were facing each other more. Honoka sat on Eli’s thighs, getting comfortable on top of her. She closed her eyes and nodded, knowing that she was about to be thrown off.

Honoka grabbed Eli’s shoulders in preparation, squeezing tightly, not wanting to let go.

“I’m sorry, Eli-chan, I really am.” Honoka repeated herself, her words more resigned.

“What do you have to be sorry about?” Eli asked.

Eli’s face was slightly blurred as she opened her eyes, but through her tears she could see the concern in her face. She told herself she wasn’t going to do this again. This wasn’t supposed to be like this, with her waterworks at the fore. This wasn’t Honoka, and everyone knew it. She was supposed to be smiling and enjoying herself and happy. Honoka always looked best with a smile, back in high school and now. 

It had been five years since then, though, since high school. In those five years, so much happened, all leading to where they were now, with those fermented regrets finally starting to reach the surface, each one a reason why she bottled herself up. She couldn’t do it anymore, though. They were in love; Eli could trust her, right?

“I’m sorry you had to fake our relationship with me, Eli-chan.”

Eli shook her slightly, and her brow furrowed. “What do you mean, fake our relationship?”

“You know,” Honoka said, pulling a hand away so she could gesture to the onsen. “This.” Her words failed her, and her gestures did no better. She could see Eli’s gaze narrowing, growing more piercing. Gone was the warmth and invitation that she was so used to. She needed to continue, lest this be the final moment they spent together. “I didn’t want to hurt you doing something you weren’t comfortable doing, for my sake.”

Eli’s narrowed gaze softened, the weight that was forming in Honoka’s shoulders easing slightly, just enough for her stomach not to feel like it was bloating up inside of her. “Hurt me?”

Honoka nodded. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m not used to this love thing at all. I mean, I know that a lot of the songs we sang back in high school had to do with love, but I never, like, experienced it. Not even in college.” Honoka swallowed the lump in her throat, digging her fingers into Eli’s shoulders. “I just know that playing with love can be dangerous, and I didn’t want to hurt you.”

A pause lingered between them, and Honoka watched Eli’s face carefully, her lips twisting slightly from a smile to a much faker smile, to one more genuine. As she struggled for words, Honoka found more.

“Eli-chan,” Honoka asked, “why did you want to do this?”

Eli smiled. “I did it because I thought it could be fun, Honoka.” Eli pulled Honoka in slightly, letting her hands graze her shoulder blades. It was relaxing, slightly, not really; her tension wouldn’t go away with massages. Her words simply didn’t make any sense, not after what she had done?

“Even after all this time?” Honoka leaned forward, trying her best to pull herself into Eli’s shoulder to hide herself. Eli’s arms proved stronger than hers, though, and she sat upright in Eli’s lap, with their gazes connected, blue against blue.

“Honoka,” Eli’s voice was oddly reassuring. “I know that you’re the kind of person who would help people in a pinch, even if they didn’t know they wanted it. Take me and joining µ’s. I sincerely thought you would reject me, but you didn’t…” Eli’s voice tapered off, trying her best to hold her own composure. “I can’t thank you enough for that, Honoka, and so I thought this would be the best way to return the favor. I hate seeing you sad, Honoka, I really do.”

If only it were possible for her not to be sad, to show that smile that everyone wanted her to show off. It was hard, especially as her thoughts bubbled up to the surface, the forgotten text messages, the birthday well-wishes she didn’t thank, and the others that she didn’t even send. Why did her friends hurt so much?

“I hate being sad too, Eli-chan. It must be so weird looking at me now compared to high school when I was all smiles and without a care in the world, back when I wanted to work at the bakery and all that. Now I’m out of college with a degree and I’m not as happy.” Honoka shrugged. “I lost so much when I went to college. It was such a shock to me.”

Eli tilted her head slightly, leaning in as she finished speaking. “I’m here, Honoka. I want to help you.”

“Then can you promise me one thing, Eli-chan?” Honoka asked, taking a deep breath to regain herself. “Can you promise that even when I’m crying, that you’ll be here for me?”

Eli’s lips trembled slightly, pulling Honoka as tightly into her as she could. The nudity didn’t even bother Honoka, nor did it seem to bother Eli. This was as close as they were going to be, and even as their bodies were flush against each other, Eli pulled her in closer, tighter, trying her best to make sure that there was absolutely no space for water to be between them.

“I promise you, Honoka, that I will,” Eli said. Her grasp weakened around Honoka slightly. “I’ll hold you for as long as you let me hold you.” Even through the sobs she fought, Honoka could hear the biting in her words. It was like Eli letting go of her was a test, one that Honoka didn’t care to fight against. She held her tight. She liked Eli’s warmth and her embrace.

“I mean, we’re girlfriends, right?” Honoka asked, trying her best to smile. “I love you enough for me to let all that out.” Honoka nuzzled against Eli’s shoulder for a few seconds before leaning up and kissing Eli’s cheek. She tasted salty and bitter, bereft of the musk of sweat. Pulling away, she could see Eli’s face, eyes closed, struggling to hold the tears back.

Eli hugged her again, just as tightly as before. “I hope we are.”

“Hope?” Honoka asked, her eyes widening slightly, “What do you mean by that?”

Eli opened her eyes, her brows immediately furrowed and her gaze pointed. “I think you know what I mean, Honoka.”

Honoka could feel the lump in her throat. Eli’s words held the same kind of warmth that they had the day they first met, as if she were actively trying to hurt her.

“You mean?”

Eli nodded. “You should know, Honoka.”

“I really don’t…” Honoka said, tilting her head. She didn’t know what the heck Eli was talking about, and she certainly didn’t know what led to her being so hostile towards her. It was so weird, so painful.

Eli took a deep breath, one that did nothing to change the dagger-shooting gaze Eli kept on her. “You know, Honoka, I’m going to tell you something because I love you, okay?”

“Go ahead, Eli-chan.”

Eli took a few more deep breaths, and her gaze softened. She looked at the surface of the water, her lips in almost a resigned frown. Her fingers dug into Honoka’s back, fingernails piercing her skin. An awkward silence filled the air, one only dulled by the hum of what was probably a generator nearby.

“I didn’t think this would happen.”

Honoka dipped low so that her gaze could meet Eli’s. “What do you mean?”

Eli looked far into the distance, and Honoka sat back up, looking where she was looking: towards a wooden fence; it was like she was gesturing to the world around her. She was gesturing to _this_.

“What I mean is that I didn’t think that this would go so well. I didn’t think that you’d really want to do this, and that you’d only do it to humor me. I mean, pretending to be girlfriends so that we could fit in with our friends? It’s pretty weird when you really put some thought into it.”

“I guess,” Honoka said. “You sounded like you were in a panic when you called, though, and I really wanted to help you out, Eli-chan.”

“And I thank you a lot for it, Honoka. I knew you’d do this only because I was in a panic. Pretty shitty move of me, huh?”

Honoka’s eyes widened, her entire body straightening as Eli swore. Of all people to do it, she’d expect Eli to do it the least. Well, behind Umi and maybe Hanayo, but that wasn’t the point. “I mean…”

Eli gave no chance for Honoka to continue. “I just thought that it’d be fun, a good way to make sure that you felt comfortable with everyone after you learned that everyone else is dating each other. But I really didn’t think that you’d take it so seriously, put all your effort into making it look like you’ve fallen in love with me, Honoka.”

“Eli-chan,” Honoka tried to butt in, to set things straight, to tell her how she actually felt and that she truly loved her. “I--”

“You made me feel warm and welcome,” Eli continued. “You made this stupid idea seem so amazing. You were willing to do it, to make it seem so real that I couldn’t even tell. You took this dumb idea I had and made it into so much more. You make whoever’s dreams you want to come true, Honoka. You’re really special like that. I just…”

Eli shushed herself, trying her best to hold back her tears. She pulled Honoka into her tightly again, desperate for her warmth, the feeling of her as tightly in her arms as she could possibly manage.

“It made me remember how much I was going to miss you when I went to college, and how we’d be so far away. It made me remember how much I admired you back then. You haven’t changed at all, Honoka. Even if you’ve mellowed out on the surface, you’re still Honoka the dream-maker, hellbent on making things special for everyone you’re around.”

Honoka nervously giggled. “I’m glad I could make you happy, Eli-chan, I really do--”

“That’s why I gave you that ribbon back in high school, and why I wanted you as student council president.”

Honoka smiled, not sure how much of her blush she could justify to how hot the onsen was around them. “Thank you for that, by the way. I wore it every day.”

Eli held her tighter. “I’m glad you didn’t throw it into your closet.”

“I could never, Eli-chan. I couldn’t disrespect such a gift. It was really _special_ to me.”

Eli froze when she said the word _special_ , her teeth grinding against one another through closed lips trying their best to give as genuine a smile as she could feel. Eli’s arms grew warmer against her hands as they shook, the pain Eli felt starting to reverberate through her body as well.

“Special…” Eli said. “You really think that was _special_?” Eli’s words grew harsher in tone, like they had the intent of piercing through Honoka. Honoka could feel it; her lowered guard left her lower lip to quiver as she withheld tears.

“I’m not special at all, Honoka. I’m just a regular woman who wanted to dance, and someone who gave up their passion when it was clear that I wasn’t good enough to be the best. That’s not special at all, Honoka. I’m just another quitter.” Eli squeezed Honoka’s shoulders tightly, and Honoka could see how much Eli was biting her tongue, trying her best to soothe her vitriolic self-image. “It’s nothing compared to you, Honoka. I cannot compare to how special you are. You’re still just as special as you were back then, and, fuck, I don’t know how to say this, but I’m scared, Honoka.”

“Scared?” Honoka asked.

“I’m scared you’ll leave me and the rest of µ’s again!”

“I promise I won’t, Eli-chan. College was full of regret, and I--”

“Promise me!” Eli practically screamed her demand. Honoka could feel her stomach turning, and she didn’t know what she could do. She could promise all she could, and still, it felt like it wouldn’t be enough for her. She didn’t know what could work, what would work.

“I promise.” Honoka said.

Eli let go, and Honoka stayed on her lap, with her arms around her for a few moments, before she herself let go. Only when she felt Eli’s palms against her shoulders did she let go and roll herself off her lap and besides her.

The onsen fell quiet, once more yielding to the sound of generators and the occasional sniffle from Eli, trying her best to hold her composure in some way. Honoka bit her tongue, trying her best to clear her head and parse what exactly went on in the conversation between them. What mattered most, she realized was twofold:

Eli was scared.

Eli was hurt.

And she followed it with another:

She hurt Eli.

It was the last thing she wanted to do. She wanted to be a good girlfriend, one that would make sure that Eli was happy, not in pain, and yet, it was like her existence denied Eli her happiness. She made her remember a better past, and she made her envy that past that could have been.

This was not the awkwardness Honoka wanted. This was too far from the awkwardness of seeing Eli naked and being naked and being together naked. That was the awkwardness Honoka wanted, the kind where she’d flush red when Eli’s fingers dragged along the back of her hand in pleading to hold it, not the kind where she felt relief from it. She looked at Eli, at her reddened, tear-stained eyes and her lip bitten in a desperate attempt to hold her sobs in; she could see the mental strain of all the conflict that she was going through, more pressure building in her wanting to force those sobs and her thoughts out all in one explosion of emotion.

She could see her breathing, breathing in, holding, breathing out, holding. The kind of breathing Umi told her about so long ago that she said helped her out with her stage fright. Eli let go of her lip, but it still quivered. She let out a huff of air.

“I just…” Eli whimpered.

Honoka nervously brought her hand to Eli’s and cradled it, wanting to tell her once again that she was there and she wanted to be there and she did it all for her. Eli didn’t fight back; whether she got the message or she just didn’t want to fight, she didn’t know.

“You just what?” Honoka asked.

“I just…!” Eli forced herself back, leaning forward; the words wanted to come out so much, and she couldn’t fight herself for much longer. It was like if she just kept repeating those words, “I just,” that she would be able to get through the moment without letting it all out. With how she contorted into a ball, bringing her legs to her chest and wrapping one of her arms around her legs for comfort, it only seemed to make things worse.

“I just didn’t think it’d be like this, Honoka.”

Honoka leaned in, pulling herself closer to Eli by her hand. “Like what, Eli-chan?”

Eli kicked her legs out and looked away from her, her visage filled with shame. She squeezed at Honoka’s hand until it hurt and then some. She only eased her grasp to thread her fingers between Honoka’s before squeezing again, even harder, like she was trying to suffocate her digits. She slowly turned towards Honoka until their gazes met, and then she turned away again.

Honoka breathed in and held it in. This was hurting her just as much as it was Eli, conflicted with how she should even address her own thoughts. With every time she turned towards her, she hoped that Eli would get the courage to finally let out her thoughts, but every time she turned away once again.

“Eli-chan,” Honoka said, “please tell me.”

Eli’s back straightened, and she slowly turned to face Honoka, like all the times she had before; once their gazes met, though, she sped up, finishing her turn until she was directly facing her. Her eyes were blurred from her tears, her smile one of accepting defeat with her emotions.

Then, she opened her mouth.

“I didn’t think that I’d actually fall in love with you!”

Eli’s words were less spoken and more yelled, ripped from her lungs and burning her vocal cords. They echoed throughout the onsen, bouncing across the walls and into the void above until all there was to hear was the generators. Honoka’s eyes were wide, her heart thumping against her chest, as she realized what she had just said. There was no way that it was real, that she actually said those words, that she really wanted to take that next step further and that it wasn’t all for show and practice.

Eli said it again, but differently.

“I thought that when we decided to pretend that it’d be a fun way to get back in touch after all that time away from each other, and that we’d be able to leave here as friends. I loved pretending so much with you, and it was so fun being close and having our practice dates. I really thought we’d just stay friends.” Eli paused for a moment, biting at her tongue. “This is probably sounding really selfish of me, but I really don’t know when it stopped being a game of pretend for me. I know I’ve said it so many times before and that it probably doesn’t have the same weight because of all the times I’ve said it when I didn’t mean it, but I _love_ you, Honoka!”

Eli paused again, collecting her thoughts with slow breaths which she held in. With a deep breath, she said it once more. “I really love you, Honoka!”

Eli’s hand felt cold in Honoka’s, her grasp on her still as painfully tight as it once was. She wanted to say that she felt the same way, that it was impossible for her to know how to say how she actually loved her, but while Honoka was busy trying to collect her words, Eli found more.

“I love you, Honoka, but I’m scared. I’m scared that you’ll leave me behind once this is all over, just like what happened after high school.”

Honoka brought her other hand on top of Eli’s, slowly caressing it. “Eli-chan…” She mumbled, trying her best to figure out the best words she could say. “I’m really sorry about that…” She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. “It’s a long story and I don’t even know how to begin telling it…”

“I don’t care!” Eli yelled. “I don’t want to hear apologies and excuses for what you’ve done! They don’t mean anything if you don’t follow through on them. Whatever you want to say, I’ll listen, but if you’re just going to apologize, you don’t have to. Just stay with me, please!”

Honoka’s hands shook against Eli’s, clasping her hand tightly. “Eli-chan…” Honoka said. It made no sense; Eli struggled and fought herself in order to let herself be known and be her most vulnerable. Why was it so hard for her to do the same?

“I promise you, Eli-chan, that this isn’t something that’ll end once we reach the airport and go home to Tokyo.”

“Don’t promise me, Honoka! You promised us that we’d be together as friends, and the only reason why we are is because of Maki and Tsubasa!”

“Then what can I do?” Honoka cried.

“Just love me! Be by my side and love me the same way I love y--”

Honoka leaned in and closed her eyes. This wasn’t going to go anywhere if she didn’t show how she felt. As much as she hated Eli in that moment, for all the calling out that she did and all the painful memories she brought to the forefront, she knew that she did it all for one reason.

If she kept trying to hide things that withhold how she felt, would Eli have really loved her?

Honoka kissed Eli.

Eli’s grasp eased against Honoka’s hand, and Honoka lifted the hand that wasn’t intertwined, bringing it to Eli’s shoulder so she could pull her in. She could feel the warmth returning to Eli’s hand, but whether it be anger or forgiveness, Honoka didn’t know and frankly she didn’t care. If Eli was acting how she was in her declaration of love, it was fair for her to do the exact same.

Eli grabbed Honoka by the shoulder and pulled her in, indulging in their kiss, letting her lead the way that their lips meshed against one another. Honoka squinched with her eyes closed, surprised that it had worked. The way Eli’s fingers softly raked against her shoulder blades, the desperate hums that they shared together as their lips pulled away for slight breaths of air between kisses: it was all true, and so different from all the kisses they had shared before. Honoka pushed herself up against Eli, not caring that their chests pressed together or that they were naked or anything like that. All she wanted was to be against Eli, to tell her that it was all okay and that she was a better person now.

Eli’s hand pulled away from Honoka’s, looping around her neck with her other hand, and Eli was the first to pull away from the kiss proper. As Honoka’s eyes opened, she saw the smile that she wanted to see from Eli since the beginning of this date, one where she was happy, comfortable, _knowing_ that she was in the arms of someone who loved her.

Then, the revelation hit Eli. She had said all that she had said. “I’m so sorry, Honoka. I don’t know what happened there.”

Honoka smiled. “It’s okay, Eli-chan. I didn’t realize how much I hurt you by not talking with you until we learned about this. I’m really sorry about that. But would it be okay if we kept that all behind us and we became better people together?”

Eli’s smile grew. “Honoka, you don’t mean…”

Honoka pulled back, the back of her neck cradled by Eli’s hands. She twiddled her pointer fingers against one another. “I mean it, Eli-chan.”

Eli sniffled. “God, I’m…” Her sniffles once more gave way to cries, and Honoka embraced her, tightly wrapping her up in her warmth.

“It’s okay.” Honoka repeated herself, her words softer. “It’s okay.” Her hands softly pat Eli’s back, trying her best to soothe her in some way. It didn’t matter what way; she just hated seeing Eli like this. She wanted to see her happy.

“It’s not okay! I was so scared that I put everything into being your fake girlfriend so you’d open up to us again, and I fucked up and actually fell in love. How are you okay with this, Honoka?”

Honoka paused, taking in Eli’s words. She bit her tongue, distracting herself from the impact of her words. Her grip loosened, her hands slowly moving down her arms as she searched for an answer, one that would come out of her almost naturally.

She found one completely naturally.

“It’s okay, Eli-chan.” She took a deep breath; she didn’t think she’d be saying that word to anyone except towards Yukiho out of pure exasperation. “We can fuck up together. Nico-chan and Rin-chan, Nozomi-chan and Umi-chan, Kotori-chan and Hanayo-chan, Maki-chan and Tsubasa-san; their relationships are all different, but I bet they’ve all definitely fucked up together. As long as we can accept each other, no matter what we do, I think things will end up alright.”

Eli sniffled. “Are you sure, Honoka?”

Honoka smiled. “I’m sure of it, Eli-chan. Please, have faith in me, and yourself.” Honoka trembled slightly. More wanted to come out. More should come out. More came out. “I trust you, and I have faith in you, Eli-chan. I know you think that falling in love out of this was a mistake, but I’ve made mistakes too…”

“Honoka,” Eli smiled, “are you saying?”

“Yes, Eli-chan,” Honoka’s hands found Eli’s. “I love you too. I’ve really wanted to tell you this, and I’ve been scared you’d brush it off as keeping the fake relationship looking legitimate. Please, Eli-chan, trust me.”

Eli’s smile grew more, and she intertwined her fingers between Honoka’s. Tears streamed down her face, but they glimmered slightly differently; they were no longer bitter. They were the kind of tears that made Honoka’s smile grow more, even more than how Eli pulled her in as tightly as she could without wrapping her arms around her. Honoka nuzzled into her and hummed affectionately, resting her head against the crook of Eli’s shoulder.

“I--” she said, before a pause took her thoughts over, one that Honoka could audibly hear the fighting behind. Eli choked up again, and Honoka pressed herself against her even more, leaving no space for water between their bodies. “I trust you, Honoka. Please, don’t break my heart.”

There was never any reason for her to do that. Even if she had before, it had been a total accident, one that Honoka knew not to repeat again. It was too obvious for her to say that she wouldn’t. Yet, she needed to say something. Eli leaned forward, as if anticipating her reply.

“You know, Eli-chan,” Honoka said. “I was talking with Nico-chan and Kotori-chan about this date, and how nervous I was about it, and they both said that I’d look better if I was smiling.” She squeezed at Eli’s hand before pulling her fingers away, dancing her fingertips against the back of Eli’s hand.

“But it’s hard for me to smile when I don’t have anyone to share it with. That’s what made µ’s so special to me: I had people all around me, supporting each other, all united. Whenever I was around you guys, it was hard for me not to smile. I loved being in µ’s.” Honoka sniffled, holding back tears once more. She felt melodramatic, but what she needed more was to get it off her chest. “But I also love you all the same, and nothing would make me happier than to see you smile, too.”

It was cheesy, but it was enough for Eli to smile. “Really?”

Honoka smiled back, and nodded. “Really.”

Eli tilted her head slightly, the teary gaze she had clearing up. It was nice to see those beautifully blue eyes, no matter how red from crying they were, without the blur from her tears. They soothed her, and soothed her more as Eli leaned in and closed her eyes. Honoka’s eyes fluttered shut, her hand slipping into Eli’s, her friend’s.

Her girlfriend’s.

Her actual girlfriend’s.

Eli’s.

Their kiss was short-lived, but the length didn’t matter to Honoka. They had their share of kisses as fake girlfriends of various lengths, each one with questionable levels of intent and performativity. Maybe the length of it was soothing to her, in that it wasn’t an act or performance, that it wasn’t them trying to practice. There was only one thing that Eli wanted to tell her with that kiss, and it was something she wanted to tell Honoka and only Honoka.

Her girlfriend.

Her actual girlfriend.

Honoka: Eli loved her.

When they broke from their kiss, Eli looked around the onsen. Honoka’s gaze followed, trying to figure out exactly what she was looking for.

“Do you know what time it is, Honoka?”

Honoka shrugged. “I really don’t. Isn’t there a clock around here somewhere to tell what time it is?”

Honoka looked over Eli’s shoulder, towards the wooden building, where a fogged-up analog clock struck 22:25.

“It’s almost time to go,” Honoka said. “Sorry that I spent all of our time with, well, this…”

“Aren’t onsens good for getting the toxins out of you?” Eli asked, her smile growing playful. It was nice seeing her like that for once.

Honoka looked down at the water between them, their bodies pressed tightly against one another, Eli’s collarbones. She couldn’t say that she didn’t feel the poisons leaving her. Even if her skin wasn’t cleared up as much as she wanted, or that she didn’t like she was sixteen and back in high school at her prime and still a college student looking to graduate in a year, she knew that the water had purified her.

The poisons in her mind were all gone, and for the first time in a long time, she could feel herself thinking clearly. That was enough to put a smile on her face that wasn’t going to leave any time soon.

Honoka slipped out from Eli’s lap and stood up, searching around the onsen for where she had thrown her towel. With a quick glance to the left, she found it, and she immediately ran to it so she could pick it up. She shook the few leaves that clung to it off, and she looked at Eli, who was right next to the door with a stack of towels besides her in a rack she had missed on their way in.

Even if Eli had been nude this entire time, it was the first time that Honoka was able to admire how she looked. Yet, those moments were fleeting, as Eli wrapped a towel around herself. Realizing she was the only one between them who was naked, Honoka ran over to grab a towel from the rack so she could cover herself with it. She had the towel that she wore on the way there underneath her arm, not wanting to dirty herself after all that time she spent in the onsen.

Honoka grabbed the door and opened it, letting Eli in.

* * *

“Eli! Honoka! Did you have a good time?”

As they left the changing rooms and entered the lobby, Anju turned to them and gave them a greeting and a wave.

“I feel better, for sure,” Eli said before stretching her arms as high as she could. “I feel a few years younger, in fact.”

Anju giggled. “That’s what they do for you. They make you feel like you can walk on air. It’s simply divine, isn’t it?”

Honoka nodded. “It’s really something else! I feel so much better!” She said as she snuggled into Eli, something which caught Anju off-guard.

“My my, you two certainly look better.”

“What do you mean?” Honoka asked.

Anju giggled, withholding what she meant by her statement. “I think you know what I mean. At least, I’m sure Eli does.”

Honoka looked up at Eli, her cheeks pink. “Eli-chan? What does she mean?”

Eli leaned in and pecked Honoka’s forehead as the simplest answer she could give. “Does that help you out?” She asked before giving her a wink.

“Oh…” Honoka looked towards the ground, a blush filling her cheeks.

Anju laughed aloud. “You two are really cute together. I’m glad the onsen was able to help you out!”

“Thank you, Anju.” Eli said, giving Honoka’s sleeve a slight tug. “It’s been a long night, though, and I think I’m ready for some sleep.”

“Have a good night!” Anju said as she bowed to them. Honoka and Eli bowed back, giving their thanks before turning around and heading towards their hotel. “Don’t forget to tell Tsubasa I say hello!”

Eli nodded, looking over her shoulder. “We will, Anju.”

* * *

“Thank you, Honoka,” Eli said as she stepped into their room and kicked off her sandals. Honoka stepped into the room and kicked hers off as well.

She flicked the lightswitch, seeing that the room had been cleaned and the beds made. Honoka walked towards the beds and sat down beside hers, grabbing her suitcase and pulling it out from under the bed. Eli followed her and sat down on her bed.

“I don’t know about you,” Honoka said, “but I’m pretty tired.”

Eli nodded. “Same here. I’m probably going to get my pajamas on and then head to bed.”

“Same here,” Honoka said as she grabbed her pajamas from her suitcase. With them in tow, she headed towards the bathroom so she could change out of her street clothes.

Honoka looked at herself in the mirror as she changed. Nothing looked different about her, but something did look different. Not the shape of her cheeks, nor the color of her hair, nor her nose, nor her hairstyle; something else entirely. The more she looked at herself, the more curious she was in trying to figure out what it was.

As she threw her shirt aside, she noticed that her collarbones looked higher than they had been before. Her eyes widened; _that_ was what changed; she stood taller, prouder, more confident of who she was, as a girlfriend with no fakeness behind it. She looked into her eyes, the worry that filled them the last time she looked at herself instead a flame of confidence; the uncertainty that once plagued her was gone. She smiled as she looked at herself, sharing that smile with herself. It had been a long night, but it was one that she felt happy about.

Honoka rushed to finish changing in her pajamas, and she stepped outside the bathroom. When she came out, the bedroom was dark, with only the night light flickering to guide her towards her bed. She sat down on the edge of her bed, only for her to put all of her clothes into her suitcase before slipping it underneath the bed.

“Honoka…” Eli mumbled, facing her. She was under the covers, bar her arms, which were pointed out in front of her with fingers curling, beckoning her. Her smile was faint under the dim light, but she could see it, and the amount of need that she had in her gaze. She wanted this more than anything in the world.

And Honoka wanted it all the same. She stood up, took the few steps so that she was besides Eli’s bed, and she laid down on it, slipping underneath the covers and wrapping her arms around Eli’s body. She was warm, and the pajamas she wore were comfortable.

“Comfy?” Eli asked as she pressed an idle kiss against Honoka’s jawline. Honoka whined in protest to her teasing, but the smile never left her face.

“I’m very comfortable, Eli-chan,” she said before giving Eli’s cheek a kiss of her own, one to pay her back for what she had done to her.

“Goodnight, Honoka,” Eli murmured, trying her best to fight a yawn from leaving her. That was enough for Honoka to yawn, and from there, Eli unleashed the yawn she had been suppressing. After her yawn, Eli leaned in and pecked Honoka’s lips, letting them linger against one another as a final memory to cap off the date they shared.

“Goodnight, Eli-chan,” Honoka whispered against Eli’s lips when she pulled away, falling asleep in her addictive warmth.

This was so much better than sleeping in that other bed, and she was ready to sleep here for the rest of their vacation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to say once again that I'm really glad that all of you have stuck around to this point in the story! Although most of the conflict regarding their relationship has come to an end in this chapter, there's still a lot more for them to go through in the next few days of their vacation, and I'd recommend that you all stay tuned for what I have in store.
> 
> Here, I would give a shoutout to an artist who drew some fanart for me, but antis drove her away from the fandom. Thanks, guys, for making the fandom so inviting and inclusive for everyone! /s
> 
> That all being said, I hope that you guys all enjoyed this chapter! It's been a difficult and dense one, and I'm really glad that I've gotten it out.


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